General Tips on maintaining clear perspective

[NaeNae75]

Hey all! Sorry for being overbearing with my anxiety the last few days. What I'm curious about is do other supporters (with or without PTSD themselves) also have trouble not falling into the distorted perspective of their "sufferer" when cycling? I think a lot of my anxiety comes from wondering if he's right when he is well, gaslighting (for lack of a better term).

When he takes his "break" he always begins with telling me how bad everything is, and how horrible I am...then changes to how horrible he is, but says either way EVERYTHING is bad, bad, bad! That's why he HAS to leave because everything is bad and he's unhappy. I tell him, that he can't run away from the unhappy....but it takes forever for him to realize that.

Well, during all of this - I start wondering if maybe I'm wrong and he's right. I start wondering if I really am horrible. (I have trouble with this sometimes anyway from a lifetime of my parents telling me negative things) I begin to wonder if I only want to see the good things so that I can hold on too tightly. I begin wondering if I'm crazy to think that anyone would want me anyway because I'm overbearing or pick on people or a bully or a monster. This is how this makes me feel when this is happening.

It makes me so mad at myself for not pulling things together. I get mad at myself for the anxiety I let myself have during the process too. I'm really trying hard at self care right now, but besides that...is there anything any of you do to maintain a real perspective? Do any of you even feel this way, or is it just me?

I don't know if this is crazy, but I started going through old emails, text messages, social media, and such and made an excel spreadsheet to outline all written communication to have some sort of baseline of positive/negative/neutral interactions. I know it seems super crazy, but it was the only thing I could think of that was more finite...I'm a math person, so quantitative data is somewhat soothing to me. From this, neutral is the winner with extra positive being present 10 times more than negative. But I don't know what this MEANS....just because positive is more often, does it mean that it's more overall?

Please help....I am open to any ideas or suggestions.

 

[Sighs]

Isn't there a theory that for a relationship to last there have to be 5 positive interactions for every single negative interaction?

My veteran often has me convinced that I am the awful, horrible bitch making his life hell. Which is hard to cope with because I really think I work extremely hard at helping him and supporting him so to have all of that "thrown back in my face" is heartbreaking. Of course, then I think about things and - on a good day - start to laugh because his thinking is so skewed. For example, he says that me rolling my eyes and sighing is just as abusive as him calling me a f*cking c*nt. So, in his mind, I am the abusive one in our relationship and he just reacts to my abuse. :rolleyes: Sigh!

 

[Snowflakes]

That’s a tough one. I could look into my sufferers eyes and see that she believed everything she was accusing me of. I don’t have anxiety issues so I never believed she was right but it got to the point that I was changing my life based on what she was saying to me. So maybe I wasn’t believing her words because I knew they weren’t true but I was acting as if they were true. My therapist and others here taught me to set boundaries and not take her accusations personally. Easier said than done but I’m working on it and my emotional state is much better.

So, no, you’re not crazy and, yes, it happens to us too. I guess it’s just the way it is living with PTSD. Our sufferer must learn to manage their illness and us supporters must learn to manage how we react. Sometimes I think we tend to overthink all this. Lately I’ve been been going out into the woods near the house, putting on my headset, and dancing like no one is watching. Makes my life positive for a while :)

 

[FragileGlass]

I don't know if I can help in this at all. At home I am the sufferer, at work I am both sufferer and supporter.

At home I am often very irritated with my partner, she has been wonderful in so many ways, I do try to remind her that I'm appreciative. She sees my daily struggles when I can make something extraordinarily simple such as turning on a light switch into a failed science experiment.

The struggle inside of my own thoughts is 'how the hell did you screw something so simple up'? It continues on to the coffee maker, or I pick up something that is very light with all the energy of 400 horses tossing some thing across the room. It's irritatingly frustrating inward when I know I am fully capable of doing these simple tasks. My partner only tries to help me in these circumstances. There is a time bomb that goes off in my head towards her because I'm not an infant and don't need help with simple things any much more than I need her to remind me I'm failing at little things.

The real emotion that is underlying is that I do remember when my mind didn't complicate things so much, I remember the times before the trauma events, then I have to acknowledge that trauma yet again to accept the fact that is why i am here today with a failed simple task while throwing flames from my eyes at my partner who is not at fault.

I also go for breaks because I need to fail at things without someone always being present or trying to help or I'm too far on edge emotionally. There's an embarrassment to these simple failures. When you get to that point every thing is bad bad bad and it started because of the damn light switch. You feel so sh*tty about yourself that you take it out on everyone around you.

As a supporter I know when my patient's aren't in good shape, I ask them how they are feeling, is there anything they need, what's the matter. As sufferer I absolutely despise these questions being asked of me.

Because I'm an irritated and easily agitated sufferer, feel free to ask me anything and hopefully I can take away some of that blame you're feeling by associating what my irrational response might be and why from the perspective of the trauma.

 

[NaeNae75]

Isn't there a theory that for a relationship to last there have to be 5 positive interactions for every single negative interaction?

My veteran often has me convinced that I am the awful, horrible bitch making his life hell. Which is hard to cope with because I really think I work extremely hard at helping him and supporting him so to have all of that "thrown back in my face" is heartbreaking. Of course, then I think about things and - on a good day - start to laugh because his thinking is so skewed. For example, he says that me rolling my eyes and sighing is just as abusive as him calling me a f*cking c*nt. So, in his mind, I am the abusive one in our relationship and he just reacts to my abuse. :rolleyes: Sigh!

Well, than my spreadsheet is a total success story! Woo hoo....wait, it didn't help keep him home this time...darn the luck. Maybe next time, lol... Uh, geeze, they aren't totally the same thing? I'm shocked! It does suck, doesn't it? Now if I could only figure out how the hell to help find an antidote to this skewed thinking I'd be a flipping gazillionaire! No worries, I'll share!

But seriously, thank you for your reply. I know it's super hard and you're having a hard time right now too....(hugs) to you if you could use them right about now!

That’s a tough one. I could look into my sufferers eyes and see that she believed everything she was accusing me of. I don’t have anxiety issues so I never believed she was right but it got to the point that I was changing my life based on what she was saying to me. So maybe I wasn’t believing her words because I knew they weren’t true but I was acting as if they were true. My therapist and others here taught me to set boundaries and not take her accusations personally. Easier said than done but I’m working on it and my emotional state is much better.

So, no, you’re not crazy and, yes, it happens to us too. I guess it’s just the way it is living with PTSD. Our sufferer must learn to manage their illness and us supporters must learn to manage how we react. Sometimes I think we tend to overthink all this. Lately I’ve been been going out into the woods near the house, putting on my headset, and dancing like no one is watching. Makes my life positive for a while :)

Your perspective can really be such a breath of fresh air once in a while! Thank you so much for your reply. It's comforting to know that maybe, just maybe I'm not completely crazy. I agree that overthinking is probably one of my biggest downfalls. I try with the boundaries, but it's still a work in progress. I love the idea of dancing like no one is watching. One of my favorite things to do is just go and mess around with my menagerie of animals on my little farm...at least they're honest and simple!

I don't know if I can help in this at all. At home I am the sufferer, at work I am both sufferer and supporter.

At home I am often very irritated with my partner, she has been wonderful in so many ways, I do try to remind her that I'm appreciative. She sees my daily struggles when I can make something extraordinarily simple such as turning on a light switch into a failed science experiment.

The struggle inside of my own thoughts is 'how the hell did you screw something so simple up'? It continues on to the coffee maker, or I pick up something that is very light with all the energy of 400 horses tossing some thing across the room. It's irritatingly frustrating inward when I know I am fully capable of doing these simple tasks. My partner only tries to help me in these circumstances. There is a time bomb that goes off in my head towards her because I'm not an infant and don't need help with simple things any much more than I need her to remind me I'm failing at little things.

The real emotion that is underlying is that I do remember when my mind didn't complicate things so much, I remember the times before the trauma events, then I have to acknowledge that trauma yet again to accept the fact that is why i am here today with a failed simple task while throwing flames from my eyes at my partner who is not at fault.

I also go for breaks because I need to fail at things without someone always being present or trying to help or I'm too far on edge emotionally. There's an embarrassment to these simple failures. When you get to that point every thing is bad bad bad and it started because of the damn light switch. You feel so sh*tty about yourself that you take it out on everyone around you.

As a supporter I know when my patient's aren't in good shape, I ask them how they are feeling, is there anything they need, what's the matter. As sufferer I absolutely despise these questions being asked of me.

Because I'm an irritated and easily agitated sufferer, feel free to ask me anything and hopefully I can take away some of that blame you're feeling by associating what my irrational response might be and why from the perspective of the trauma.

WOW, that is a pretty big eye opener for me. I can see this actually being a thing for him....very interesting thought process. I think I very much can be a "helicopter spouse", so to speak....I'm definitely a fixer, and I'm a tad on the OCD side...and it drives him batty.

It doesn't help that I work in construction...I'm good at "fixing" things and relatively quick. That pisses him off too, I think. He's not a big "macho" type of guy and is good with women being equal and all....but to a point, I think. I think he still wants to be my "hero". He's been in the military as SF (police) in the Airforce and his full time job years ago was as an EMT, but for the last 10 years or so he's been working as an officer for CBP.

I know secretly it bothers him that I'm better at building stuff than he is, or can run heavy equipment and drive better. Well....I should hope so, that's pretty much how I've made my living for the last 28 years....I've been on equipment since I could walk, maybe even before I could walk! I'm pretty good working with firearms, but I'm a total slouch compared to him....he's an amazing shot, knows everything, can break down and put stuff back together without even blinking...he knows all sorts of stuff I don't. I don't understand why it should bother him so much that I can back a semi into places people can't parallel park a mini cooper. (not really, lol just a humor break)

I have to really think of what I'd like to ask, but I'm totally taking you up on your offer to ask you stuff....I think you hold a different enough perspective that is thought provoking....that's a pretty good thing.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. It's been helpful!

 

[FragileGlass]

You're welcome! I've been fortunate enough that I am able to discuss and relate my behaviours to my trauma. It probably helps that I work at the hospital / treatment level. Because of the mental health crisis situations i see I am able to articulate my own emotion and responses into thought. I want to help supporters as often I can especially those of military or first responder spouses because I work in the daily grind of high operational stress.

One common thread between myself and colleagues was the simple failures irritating the hell out of us. My partner loves to jump in and rescue me at these moments. However at work, I can clear the grounds and prepare the hospital for an incoming LifeFlight in less than 5 minutes without problem but she only gets to see me drop the bread three times in a row because I'm unsteady. But...... please don't take the bread, peanut butter and knife away from me and make me a sandwich! This among many are battles we tackle.

I'll look forward to your questions :)

 

[grimalkin]

I originally read your post yesterday, @NaeNae75, and just haven't had a chance to respond. This has been my biggest issue as well, wondering if maybe my sufferer is right, and I *am* a monster and all the bad things he said I was. I also have the tendency to WAY overthink, but that seems to be diminishing as my own anxiety and depression are under control.

I, too, would go through old emails and texts and messages, trying to see if I was missing the "signs" of our awfulness together, and my own awfulness. Trying to see if I was losing my mind and remembering things completely differently from how they happened. There were times I wanted to record everything because we would remember things so differently.

Part of my problem is that I try to take responsibility for my own part in conflict, my own actions, and I tend to believe that abuse has to be defined by the abused (and that abusers rarely have any excuse). So when he said I was as abusive has his previous abusers (his parents and step-family, essentially), and as much of a sexist as Donald Trump ("only worse! Because you think you're so enlightened!"), it made me question my whole existence. Abuse is in the eye of the abused so...yeah. I'm an abuser and I have no excuse. It was a serious mind-f*ck for me. And I would (and sometimes still do) get so angry at myself for not being the perfect partner, not being infinitely understanding, for having emotions that sometimes overflowed, for having strong opinions.

It was only when we were in a session of couples counseling when he again called me abusive (I was sobbing because I was so hurt and angry and confused. Not screaming. Not yelling. Not threatening. Sobbing.), and our therapist asked him, "Is this what you consider abuse?" and the therapist's realization he was dissociating pretty much any time we were in a counseling session, that she...not absolved me. But made me realize, no. Having emotions is not abuse. Having opinions is not abuse. And, that's when she pretty much stopped our sessions, because she realized that because he was not dealing with his cPTSD and PTSD at all (he first claimed that his cPTSD and PTSD weren't an issue in our relationship because he'd "dealt" with them....yeah no. It became clear pretty quickly to our counselor that was not the case), couples counseling was hurting both of us.

I know secretly it bothers him that I'm better at building stuff than he is, or can run heavy equipment and drive better.

Ooh I wonder if that was part of it for my sufferer. He HATED that I could build furniture, and knew how to do stuff that he didn't. And that I could learn quickly. He also didn't trust my knowledge about a lot of things. I'd have to give citations sometimes. Quite literally. :rolleyes:

@FragileGlass I have to say, your perspective was helpful. One of the most frustrating things for me was that my sufferer would ask for my help with something, I'd give my help, and he'd get angry with me. For helping.:shifty:

 

[FragileGlass]

@grimalkin

I am sorry that emotional power struggle with your sufferer has affected you so greatly.

My stressors are very different from your sufferer, however, the PTSD element is common point we share. I find when I hit low moments, it's hard for me to enjoy life around me.

In my case, I deal with a lot of death, it's hard for me to head off to a family function and giggle and smile after I've dealt with a death at work. I get angry at other people around me for being able to laugh and enjoy themselves. It's not their fault, I'm jealous that I can't enjoy the moment like they are and wish I could. Instead I am defensive and recoil at jokes thrown towards me, stare endlessly with a straight face with what should be an endearing moment. Some times snap at others making them feel like crap. It's all because I'm feeling an irrational sense of guilt for someone who is no longer alive and can't appreciate these things.

Is his personality always deflecting blame towards you or during times when stressors affect him? Does he still have contact with his abusers directly or indirectly?

 

[NaeNae75]

Times like now when he leaves to isolate, he tells me often that I'm critical of him. I never really understood what he meant....I'm wondering if this is related to what he means.

When he's busy blaming me he says I'm too critical and I'm too hard on his son...or that I pick on them. The reality is, I'm actually more lenient with his son than I have been my own children. Part of the problem stems from he thinks I'm too much of a disciplinarian, and I think he's trying too hard to be his son's "friend" and parenting out of guilt or shame. His son has been quite disrespectful lately and talking back pretty regularly. It bother's me to let an 11 year old be that disrespectful of his elders and make a lit if the decisions.

But mostly, he's busy blaming himself. He says he's in a dark place, and he's "really not coming back this time" (just like the last 7 times)...he told my daughter that he started doing things for me to see me be happy, then he started doing things for me so that he could resent me for doing them and play the victim. He then said I deserve to be respected and treated better than that. He also, like I have said somewhere else, said that he feels he's codependent. I'm not sure where he is getting this from, but I'm tired of arguing with him. BTW...I have no addiction issues, and I'm a pretty independent person. I'm not really sure what any of this means...

He will tell me pretty much everyday that he loves me, and that everyone is important, but for what ever reason he HAS to stay "broken up" and "can't come back", but admit he's confused. I asked him if it would be easier for him for me to go away and leave him alone, but he says he doesn't and is okay with us doing stuff with the kids. But I can't do this indefinitely.

I don't know how to react to the oxymoronic reality of it all. I don't know if I'm better of letting him have his cake and eai it, or telling him I love him, I'll try to be here, but let him sleep in his bed. My new T told me to tell him straight up are we a family or not? Then if he says yes, then tell him to get his ass in gear and work on it then. That just seems like it would send him into a tailspin.

So here I am, questioning my sanity, my strength, and my willingness to be truly vulnerable. That Brene Brown has me questioning myself even further...

We're supposed to meet up with the kids at my meditation group tonight because they're sponsoring a Halloween party tonight for them... we shall see...

 

[NaeNae75]

I originally read your post yesterday, @NaeNae75, and just haven't had a chance to...

Thank you for your support and solidarity. It is so hard to navigate this right now because of how fresh it is, and because of the outside influences at play.

He keeps telling me he's confused and talks in circles. I don't even know what I need right now... plus my father is on my rear about other stuff too. I want to sell everything I own, pay my debts, and start over. The whole thing is awful.
I just want some relief from struggle for like an hour at this point...I'm so sorry that you have so much going on too. I'm here for you too... we're all in this together.

 

[FragileGlass]

@NaeNae75

Veterans and First Responders are used to operating and thinking under pressure all the time. When conflict is present it gives them unending challenge and stress but it's what we're used to and thrive on. When we get home it's not the same adrenaline or operation under fire so to speak. It's a shock to the system.

At home, Im not under threat of violence, conflict or dealing with violent dangers and most of all death. My mind doesn't know how to calm down. Fear / Protective based adrenaline is a hard feeling (drug) to withdraw from. It's what we rely on at work.

However, this is where military and I split off drastically, I don't deploy anywhere, while i do face crisis and violence, it's not 24 hours a day for months on end. That sense of fear all the time would be very difficult for a military sufferer to come home and find peace and quiet it's a shock to the system.

So......If the chaos isn't there we create it because then we can think again. Remember when I said simple failures crush me, rarely happens when I'm in conflict. This is why you see spouses and supporters of PTSD suffering military veterans and still working First Responders describe life of confusing hell, Operational Stress is so much different from a single point trauma. We

I don't understand the co-dependency accusation towards you other than possibly he's just creating any conflict he can get his hands on by attempting to lower your emotions to his level which isn't fair to you whatsoever.

Overall it does seem that he can't rationalize the anger in peace, however if he lights fires he can justify anger. If that makes sense at all? Your T is right, he's gotta decide if it's a family and whether he wants to check back in or not.

While his ordeal and my ordeal are terrible, they are not your trauma, you didn't cause any of it, none of these conflicts are your fault. You have absolutely every right to run from our destructive behaviours. Supporting a loved one is one thing, drowning over something that isn't your fault isn't fair.

Hang in there and breathe during the break or his absence :)

 

[Snowflakes]

@NaeNae75 I feel your pain, confusion, and exasperation because I’ve been there. At one time, in the recent past, I literally arrived at the end of my rope. Emotionally, I had been pushed to a point where I was willing to do anything to stop this roller coaster and get off. While I still loved my wife, I didn’t like her for all the verbal innuendo and abuse I was getting. At that instant, I let go. I honestly didn’t care anymore. My therapist said to me exactly what yours said to you. I did what my therapist said. I told her that PTSD is not an excuse to mistreat me, that I’m a good person and been trying my damndest all these years to help her, and that she drove to the end of my rope. I said that I will support her but it’s a two way street. I learned boundaries to what behavior I was unwilling to accept. I told her I would give her time and space when needed but my life was going to continue with or without her.

I will give her credit. She now religiously sees her therapist and works with her psych doctor to adjust her meds. I admit to waiting for the shoe to drop and there is a small part of my heart I’m holding close and dear to myself but I’ll give her the opportunity to learn to manage her illness. Boundaries and learning coping skills from all of you helped me.

I don’t know if doing what your therapist said will send him into a tailspin. It very well may but I share my story so you can see the possibility. Most of all, I think doing what your therapist suggested will help you the most. :hug: