General Tips on maintaining clear perspective

[Sighs]

if he lights fires he can justify anger.

Oh! Penny drop! That's why my veteran picks, pokes and provokes until he gets a cranky response from me! The more I try to stay calm the more he ups the ante until he gets the response. Ohhhh!

And then he can blame me for his angry reaction. Ohhh!

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75

Veterans and First Responders are used to operating and thinking un...

Thank you very much for your reply. It's a lot to think about, but does make sense. I guess what seems odd to me is that most of the time he avoids conflict, almost to an extreme until he leaves. Then he lashes out and what not. Most of the time, he is very passive aggressive. Even the way he leaves is to avoid facing me. He always leaves when I'm not around...this time he left almost ALL of their stuff here.
Any ideas on where that would fit in?
He has a tendency to not share how he really feels with the person he's upset with. Instead he "has the conversation" in his head...and mind-reads the results. Then he brings it up later, full of resentment for things that didn't change because he never brought them up. Then he blames me for not being able to have the conversation because I'll be upset about whatever, or it will cause a fight. When I bring something up, he says absolutely nothing either. So apparently, a fight is way worse to him than leaving us once a year or more. I just don't understand that.
I also don't understand someone that wants to do something for someone so that they can play the martyr. That sort of behavior makes zero sense to me. It makes me want to never ask him, or at this point anyone to do anything for me again. I give of myself because that alone makes me happy. I've given to him and his son with no strings ever. I don't think it's good to keep score.
This sounds so bad....but really he's generally so considerate and sweet...I hate this side...it makes me question everything.

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75 I feel your pain, confusion, and exasperation because I’ve been there...

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm sorry for what you've had to endure, but happy to hear things are going better for you. Things were better when we were all seeing our T . I've already been going back, and doing meditation, and joined a women's group...and it's all helping. Little steps, everyday.
I'm willing to do what my T said, but I need a little time to wrap my mind around everything first. I know I don't deserve to keep going through this cycle, but I don't want to jeopardize everything just yet by someone I just met. An opinion after one session, even if in the best intentions, leaves me a little anxious without real consideration. If it were my old T, I wouldn't have any doubt, but it's hard to put that much faith into someone I just met...even if I see the reasoning behind it.
I'm just not strong enough yet.
Did your wife also leave often? Or something else? I'm sorry to pry, you obviously don't have to tell me, I'm just wondering. The whole thing is so confusing right now...pretty overwhelming. I guess time will tell soon enough what is going to become of my broken little family.

 

[FragileGlass]

The passive aggressive still creates conflict, he has set the stage for you to react in some way in order for him to turn back at you for being unreasonable. No matter which way you choose to react, you're still going to fail. You act in anger, he sees you as irrational, you react in silence, he sees that you don't care. He's absolutely dependent on friction and conflict. In some way the fear / protective adrenaline is kicking in for him this way.

The avoidance altogether still provides a challenge for him because now he's got to figure out 'survival' tactics for him and his son because he has left while leaving the storm to build up within you.

Since I don't know what his role in military conflict entailed, it appears that he feels guilty for something, it comes out as he is trying to do something for you, somehow your reaction didn't match what he planned out in his head. He's not getting a sense of redemption for something he is in turmoil over. He is springboarding that redemption to you. Like you're going to have some overwhelming gasp of 'my hero' thank you for saving me again and this moment is going make him feel good again.

My partner and I go through this often. There are points in time of my job where I beat myself over not being able to do better, I failed someone, or I could have done more. It's even more destructive when it involves the death of someone. I know that it puts strain on our relationship when these things happen. Some times as an appreciative gesture I try to do something nice, it comes with the terrible expectation that this 'thing' is going to fix everything. I've done something nice and thoughtful therefore I'm not the horrible person I feel I am for failing the relationship and my patient. The expected result is so damn high that my partner would never hit the mark I am expecting because I'm trying to fix far more than just the relationship. When it fails I fall into the same trap as your partner, the reminder that I did something for you and you just didn't appreciate me enough. Reality is that it didn't fix how I still feel about me.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that he is sincere in his desire to do these things as I am too. It's just that somewhere inside of us we feel horrible for something far darker.

By the way! I'm really enjoying this dialogue with you, for as much as I hope I'm helping you, it is also truly helping me in analyzing the effects of my actions and understanding what's missing for me.

 

[NaeNae75]

The passive aggressive still creates conflict, he has set the stage for you to react in some way i...

It really is cathartic for me as well...as I'm sure some of the other readers like @Sighs with Ah Hah moments. Honestly a lot of what you're saying makes perfect sense.
Of course there are things other than just his military service that are at play here. His three deployments have caused much of this response, but he also suffered spousal abuse from his son's mother (they were together about a year) He has also alluded to some childhood stuff involving a childhood friend. He also feels such guilt for his son being neglected by his mother. He tried for years to get custody, but it took until he was 9 to get him away through the courts.
Needless to say, his shame vault is overflowing.You really are helping me put some of the puzzle pieces into place. Thank you so much for that. I know it won't change anything he's doing right now, but it helps my own sanity...knowing that this complicated monster lives in him too.
My PTSD seems to rear it's ugly head in such a different manor. He really doesn't have much of a grasp on his, so thank you for helping me to see another side of it, outside of my own experiences. For my father...violence, fear, intimidation were always what he brought to the party.
I even think that my PTSD makes him feel guilty in a way. Every once in awhile he will mention that he feels bad because my life/childhood were "worse" than his, but he still has PTSD too. I always try to tell him that it isn't a competition.
Thank you for giving me something to think about!

 

[FragileGlass]

Now that I know your PTSD element it makes perfect sense in how it clashes with his putting you in a negative light as he has. Unfortunately I now seem to grasp his terrible use of co-dependency claims now. This is reflected in his guilt for your past. I'll elaborate once I understand the dynamic of his behaviours and your responses to it.

Does he have a specific pattern for his when he behaves like this? Like around anniversary dates, birth dates, time of year or season when these things happen or do they just spike up randomly?

Do you have specific pattern or reaction to your traumas at certain times and also does his behaviour send you into any triggered reaction and how long does the reaction seem to take hold of you.

This isn't a blame thing. I'm not trying to spin fault, especially not towards you. Im just trying to find his rationality for co-dependency claim.

 

[Snowflakes]

@NaeNae75 Youre not prying, I’ll tell you and anyone one else here anything asked of me. It’s the least I can do for all of you who saved my emotional life.

Yes, my wife has left and returned. Physically and emotionally, I’ve always left the welcome mat out.

Also, while I’m happy to share my story with you, I think the others in this thread give better advice to you tan I do. My wife sufferers from C-PTSD from childhood sexual trauma and young adult torture. The triggers are different than combat veterans. I learned much from the supporters living with combat veterans and I also learned the difference. I also have the benefit of walking in their vet’s boots but that was a long, long time ago and time does tend to soften the pain. Time and a lot of good therapy.

Take care

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75 Youre not prying, I’ll tell you and anyone one else here anything ask...

I realize that there is a definite difference. I was diagnosed with PTSD just shy of 20 years ago. I was physically, mentally, and sexually abused by different people starting from early childhood.
We do react differently than each other, and he is quite different than my father with combat PTSD.
I promise you that it doesn't make anything you say less valid or of less worth. It's all so very complex, so it all brings tidbits of knowing forward.
Plus, even though I'm the OP, I also realize threads like this aren't just for the OP, but for everyone here now and in the future...so there's that too.
I also find a lot of comfort in your words. Thank you for being so open and sharing.

 

[NaeNae75]

Now that I know your PTSD element it makes perfect sense in how it clashes with his putting you in...

I don't take anything you've asked as looking for blame, for either of us really. I'm not looking to blame him either... but there is clearly some sort of cycle our interactions is facilitating, so the better grasp I have, the better the chance of breaking the cycle without breaking my family apart or enabling.

This may be long, but I'm going to open up about some of my stuff.
My father served 2 tours in Vietnam as a combat engineer. He was brutal to us. When he still drank, he suffered blackouts. He was extremely violent and sometimes didn't even recognize us. It wasn't unusual for us to fear for our lives when he was abusing us or our mother. Once he sobered up for good, he did make amends, and I have forgiven him. We have even worked together for years until he retired.
Now my mother, for her it was emotional abuse. She worked as many hours as possible to keep away from him and us. If he wasn't home when she would get in, she would drag us out of bed and have whoever was watching us drive us to the bar to fetch him and his truck. Then she would cause a big dramatic scene in the bar. It never failed that he would come home and a knockdown dragout would occur.
She would tell us how useless we were and how everything was our fault, because if it weren't for us, she would have left. She even blamed us for an affair because we didnt hang out with her and she was lonely. Well, she's still with him even after we were gone, so there you go.
She was harder to forgive, because there has never been an apology. But I came to realize it hurt me to hold onto it, so I forgave her for not being a perfect mother.
Then because we got left with the neighbor a lot, their teenage son decided I was his plaything. They moved when I was about 8. I also had cousins molesting through that same time period.
Then I was raped in my high school at 14. I felt like I had easy victim here tattooed to my forehead. That's when I started doing everything I could to be ugly. I picked at my skin until I bled, and purposely gained weight. I figured if I was ugly, they'd leave me alone.
I started getting counseling at 19 after I bought my first house and was out in my own. You see, I worked my butt off to do everything I could to "get out". I got straight A's in school, full ride to a private college (that I ended up giving away) and I started working in my union construction job at 18. I worked an immense amount of hours.
That was how I coped..I'm a fighter. I have worked hard over the years on the trauma I've endured. Of course, I still have a long way to go.
I am very good at numbing and dissociating. I can be hypervigilent at times. I have an occasional anxiety attack, but it's pretty rare. I have learned to live with high anxiety. I also cannot remember a time I didn't have insomnia or nightmares.
It's odd, becasuse I struggle with shame over so many things, but I have pretty good self esteem in other ways. I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. Most people like me, and say I am pretty easy to get along with.
A lot of my "peace" came after my illness. I have IH, and have had 2 lp shunts and 1 VP shunt. After the VP was placed, I got sepsis. I did have a near death experience. Since then, I meditate, and have found a lot of of peace.

I'm going too start a different reply to discuss some of the other questions because of the length. Sorry for the length, but I want you to have as clear a picture as possible.

 

[NaeNae75]

Now that I know your PTSD element it makes perfect sense in how it clashes with his putting you in...

He does have some times that seem worse than others, but since we've becime more aware of them, it's helped. This time of year seems to be the roughest the last couple of years, but I'm not completely sure of any specific reason. The ones we've worked out already were from me knowing about his timeline with his ex. He doesn't open up very specifically about his military timeline to me...I just know about some stuff happening, not when.

Oh snap, his last deployment was in October a few days before his son's birthday...it was obviously extremely hard for them both. This lightbulb makes me feel like a total a hole right now. Could this even explain why his son was so unruly the few weeks leading up to this?!
Honestly, just before he left this time, his son was being very disrespectful to us both, and he was letting him...like no correction at all. When I would tell him what was going on while he was at work, he would get upset with me for wanting him to discipline his son. So I told him I was getting tired of being disrespected by both of them. He asked me if I even wanted them around. I told him of course I do, but that doesn't mean I deserve disrespect.
A week later his son was super disrespectful and was talking back so I looked at him and asked him if he was going to discipline him. He said" say you're sorry". Well I lost it. I said sorry doesn't cut it anymore. I told him it was becoming lip service. I told his son we were going somewhere so that he could be included... and that it was rude and inconsiderate to talk to me like that in my house when I was trying to do something for him. I told him it hurt my feelings and it isn't okay for him to keep talking to his father and me so disrespectfully. After I scolded him, I told him to come to me. I held him, kissed the top of his head and told him I loved him and was proud of him for taking his lecture without talking back to me. I asked him if he had anything to say, and he said he was sorry and understood. I said, "okay now let's move past it and have a great time tonight". We left and went to the pumpkin farm and haunted house. We had a great time then went to dinner.
At dinner, his son mentioned the map of Italy on the placemat. That made him say that he had just gotten home from Italy a day before 9-11 and how his parents were worried and how that led to his next deployment. This was back when he was full time military....
The next morning I called him at home to wish the son happy birthday, we talked a little bit everything seemed fine. He dropped him off at school, came back to the house, took a few of their things and left again. Most of their stuff is still here.
We talked again that morning he told me he was leaving for good this time and the same stuff as normal. Then told me not to call that night because he needed to make a pro/ con list. He called me the next night, but it was a fairly heated conversion after he told me I deserved to be disrespected by his son because I pick on him, and the only thing he was guilty for in the relationship was "not telling me to shut the f*@k up sooner"...and told me he matters and his son matters and everyone else can "just get over it" and hung up on me. I called the next day to tell him I was going to try to separate our accounts and he told me he is confused and said those things out of anger, and never should have. He told me what he meant was he wished he was able to tell me when things bothered him sooner instead of letting it all build up.

Since then we are doing the dance we always do...me telling him we're a family and I'm not giving up yet, and him telling me he loves me and is confused in a dark place, but is never coming back. But is hesitant about telling anyone else...and talks to me every day and we see each other a couple times a week until its almost every day etc.

There's more, obviously, but this is a large chunk of it.

Oh yes, anytime things seem good and I bring up marriage, suddenly things seem to go downhill too. After 8 years, marriage would be nice, but not necessary for me. But it sends him into a tailspin.

 

[Buttercup]

By the way! I'm really enjoying this dialogue with you, for as much as I hope I'm helping you, it is also truly helping me in analyzing the effects of my actions and understanding what's missing for me.

I'm enjoying it too! Finding it all very helpful and I appreciate your "insiders perspective."

 

[FragileGlass]

I have been contemplating your posts and reflecting based on my own past and the scenario of your partners relationship rings eerily close to my ex wife. The spousal abuse plays a critical role here in both his emotions and his career in the military.

I'm speaking hypothetically because i am unsure if the abuse was verbal, physical or both. As well as demeaning, controlling or threatening with regards to his son which obviously weighs very heavily on his conscience.

I am going to attempt to word this carefully because i don't want to come off mysoginistic but trying to convey a possible fracture of Masculinity as you mentioned that you're very independent and a strong female that is able to handle traditionally masculine tasks or roles. (High five for parallel parking semis! Haha!)

It's no secret that males for generations have been raised as 'head of household', 'protector of the family' and we have to be strong at all times. This would absolutely be the case in military training. Only the strong and smart will survive and the emotionally and physicslly weak will fail. I'm sure we've all watched enough movies and documentaries to know that this mentality is true.

If his abusive relationship was able to tear down his self image of strength both physically and emotionally, imagine the absolute validation he would receive if for even a moment he hesitates, doubt or screws up in a training drill or on an actual mission.

Or the reverse would be the suspension of belief in not being able to understand how his relationship can make him feel defenseless, but he's able to perform tactical manoeuvres with precision, without hesitation, knowing every explosive, ammunition deployed may lead to a kill or multiple casualties.

I am sure that every mission has intense review and scrutiny which causes a lot of self reflection. That self reflection reveal personal failings, these failings may be minor, boots weren't tied tightly enough, safety was still on, shot south instead of west, damn it I pissed my pants after the first explosion. If anyone has any sense of self doubt already there, these minor failings feel overwhelming especially in dangerous conditions.

As a male, it would absolutely damage me if my female partner were able to lower my sense of masculinity while employed in a male dominant, dangerous, aggressive, testosterone driven career. I'm fortunate that my partner doesn't seek to deliberately emasculate me in any manner, I too work in a role that has been dominantly male, it's an aggressive and dangerous. When I go to work, I don't hesitate on my role of strength, protector and commanding presence.

Im going to stop there on handling his spousal abuse and possible affects due to his career I'll address the co-dependency aspect that validates your trauma as it is very important too in a separate post.