Lying and ptsd

[Upside Down Eagle]

I found a thread with the exact same title (it asked if you lie about your trauma). My question is a different one.

Being currently unemployed (I´m on disability), I find that lots of people are judgmental. People who are unfamiliar with PTSD (or don´t understand why I have it) often think that I should be perfectly able to get a job, because I come across as a normal person.

Because of this I´ve started telling "white" lies. They are white in the sense that I don´t lie to people with bad intent. I lie to people who I feel might discriminate against me for having no job. I am looking for a new place to live, I always tell them I have a job.

Recently I met somebody online who was also looking for a place. We met up and we have a really good connection. When we met in person I told him the partial truth. I said that I was on disability but that I was doing volunteer work (I do it sometimes, but at this moment is not true).

If I tell him the truth now, he will find out I have been lying, and maybe think of me as deceitful. However I´m tired of being treated like crap because of PTSD, and I don´t want people judging me or discriminating against me based on those things.

I don´t feel good about continuing to lie to this person though. It´s kind of spiraling out of control. Can anyone relate? Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks :)

 

[Deleted member 541]

In my opinion, lying is still lying. I think it causes more shit than it’s worth, it causes hurt to the person that you’re lying to, and it creates an atmosphere where the other person can’t trust you. How do you build a realationship on lies????

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

There is no world in which people don´t lie at all.

Are you always a hundred percent truthful during a job interview or when you meet someone you have a crush on? I don´t think so.
If you do, that´s great. But white lies don´t necessarily hurt other people. Discrimination hurts far worse, and not finding a new place to live because people have pre-set thoughts about those on disability, would screw up my situation.

I´m not here to defend the fact that I lied. I am here because I´m in a complicated situation. I´m being completely honest with you guys.
You can say that lying is evil and that I should just quit altogether - that´s just not how my world works.

I want to be sincere towards people who have good intentions towards me, and this person does. I just don´t know how to get myself out of it because I´m afraid that people judge too rapidly or too harshly. He probably won´t because he´s got a great personality.

But it still scares me.

 

[A concerned spouse]

First off, we all have our insecurities and we all do stupid stuff because of them. So don't beat yourself up over it. Second, stop caring about what others think of you. If they don't understand disability and PTSD just forgive them for their lack of knowledge and move on. Don't feel you have to defend your position. It's none of their business anyway. Third, just be honest with your room mate. Explain to them why you lied in the first place. They seem like a person you like and respect and good people tend to understand. Not one of us are perfect. Everyone has lied sometime in their life to protect themselves or others. It shows me what at awesome person you are because it bothers you so much. Most people don't give a damn if they lie and have no remorse. Just be honest with them and you'll be okay. If they react horribly, they probably aren't the person you thought they were. Goid luck! Believe in yourself. It's okay, we all make mistakes!

 

[Deleted member 541]

All I’m saying @Rad is that lying gets you into Shit, and it’s always best to just tell the truth. So now you find yourself wondering how you’re going to come clean with this new roommate! See the point I’m trying to make???

Why are you so concerned with what others think? Basically it’s none of your business what others think of you, it’s their opinion, and we all have opinions. If someone didn’t believe me, well, that’s on them, not on me and I could give a rats ass if they believe me or not. And I could care less what others think of me, it’s their opinion and I can’t change it, so why care about it!!!!!

 

[Freida]

oh please. I lie my ass off. Why do you think I'm on an anonymous site for people with ptsd? It's the only place I can be honest. And I'm still cautious about what I say here.

I'm from an environment that does not tolerate weakness and PTSD is the ultimate "why can't you get your shit together you loser?" Then I went out on disability - even worse. Disability is considered completely disgraceful and even if they knew the reasons it wouldn't be an "acceptable" answer. Plus lying about my original trauma was the only way to not get a bullet in my head. and yes- I mean that literally.

I do have friends I trust - but only one of them knows the entire story. The rest know bits and pieces. Would they like me to tell them the rest? Probably. But I'm not ready to deal with THEIR reaction to my story. The parts I have told have made them cry and gotten them all wound up. Then I end up taking care of them and I simply don't have that energy. So with them it's lies of omission.

Do I feel bad about it? Nope. I either trust you or I don't. If I don't know you or trust you I have a very short story that will answer all you need to know and ends with disability just being a temporary thing to give me a chance to "follow my doctors orders and get some rest". If I decide later to trust you with the truth you will have known me long enough to understand why I lied in the first place. I'm not about to defend or explain myself or my situation to someone simply to assuage their curiosity. It's none of their business. I have enough issues of my own without having to deal with explaining my life history. So they get a nice pretty lie and I get to keep my sanity.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

But I'm not ready to deal with THEIR reaction to my story. The parts I have told have made them cry and gotten them all wound up. Then I end up taking care of them and I simply don't have that energy. So with them it's lies of omission.

Thanks Freida for saying this as it clarified somethings for me. I agree with you and I think it is a very wise precaution to take anyways.:tup:

I'm not about to defend or explain myself or my situation to someone simply to assuage their curiosity. It's none of their business. I have enough issues of my own without having to deal with explaining my life history.

I am with you all of the way on this one too, and was so glad that you comprehended things so well in response to @Rad .

I do not share what is not needed to just everyone. I have learned that not everyone can be trusted with some of my truths either so I kind of take it as a one to one and wait and see what they do with the information I do offer if I have offered anything.

I used to spill my guts to all around me and watched my problems multiply for giving out far too much information.

I have lied in job interviews but nothing that would take me down, later on. I have lies of omission. When put on the spot I can become very tactful and diplomatic but I had to learn how to do these things. I am still a work in progress so everything is subject to change as I grow so just do not be hard on yourself for being human. We are not supposed to be perfect. We need our mistakes to learn from so you are not a failure but simply a fellow human being on your way to a better life.

You do have to learn discernment in order to protect yourself from all of the lunatics out there.

Example and I know this is a bad one, but if an attacker says he is going to rape the victim, some of them come up with lies to protect themselves and by them doing this, some have gotten away unharmed, maybe it is not the same thing, but it came to mind. This is an interesting conversation.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I care about what others think because I´m dependent on certain people when I need certain things- landlords, for example - to give me a chance. And most of these people will not consider giving me a chance once they know my background. Discriminating people on the basis of having an affliction is, unfortunately, a thing.

The issue with the future roommate resolved itself, as he found a place to live (in a city rather far from here, where I cannot live due to the cost of traveling here). We´ve developed a quite good understanding. Next time I see him in person, I´ll tell him that I was not giving him the full truth and also ask him what he thinks.

I'm from an environment that does not tolerate weakness and PTSD is the ultimate "why can't you get your shit together you loser?" Then I went out on disability - even worse. Disability is considered completely disgraceful and even if they knew the reasons it wouldn't be an "acceptable" answer

That´s exactly what I mean. My environment is not all like that, but the business environment is. Their first interest is always "are you functional in society" and second "do you make enough money". In my case, the answers to that are: "no" and "no", but both answers have a catch: since I am on disability, I can receive a rent subsidy. However, most landlords would still prefer choosing anybody else.

I do have friends I trust - but only one of them knows the entire story.

I was where you are, a while ago. I was afraid of telling them, but most of them understand really well. They understand better than most of my family, in fact. However I did build up to this. I did not tell them all at once - and we hardly ever discuss PTSD, unless I´m really in the shitter. Then they´re there for me.

I used to spill my guts to all around me and watched my problems multiply for giving out far too much information.

You hit the nail on the head. You give someone a peek into your life and pretty much they want to know the whole story - and I´m not talking about friends, and people who mean well. I´m talking supervisors, business people. They´d love to know just how screwed up you are, so they can hold you accountable for anything that goes wrong.

I know that sounds cynical, but I´m really just basing this on personal experience. Sometimes you have to be really careful about the stuff you divulge. I suppose flat-out lying can get you in trouble - and it did get me in a bit of trouble, but I think it´s a bit of a learning curve for me. Once I know I can trust someone, I´d never lie to them (I´m aware this sounds contradictory :roflmao:)

 

[A concerned spouse]

I agree. PTSD or no PTSD we have all lied at sometime or another to protect ourselves. It's a defense mechanism. If someone says they have NEVER lied you can be reassured they just did.

 

[Ronin]

I'd just say you weren't comfortable sharing more as it's personal and leave it at that.

Really, people aren't entitled to information about your health state on a first meet, much less about a life story - and one with trauma. Doesn't read as a lie to me as much as personal information that is frankly nobody's business.

Some things are simply sensitive. Personal. To be given, not pried about. That doesn't mean you guarding that information and not being comfortable is a terrible deceitful liar. It makes you someone considering circumstances carefully. A good thing.

 

[Ronin]

All I’m saying @Rad is that lying gets you into Shit

Some places and situations, lying gets you into shit, and not lying gets you - or those around you - or those dear to you - dead.

I'd rather be in shit than dead.
Things aren't black and white. All I'm saying. Out.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ronin I guess lying is a personal thing for everyone. I just choose to not lie. Am I perfect at it, no, but I try extremely hard to not lie. The truth for me is always the best way to go.