Abuse trigger phrase

[WhiteHatGirl]

Anyway i have ADD, so he would miscommunicate and then if I asked for clairification he would say, "that I do not listen. " I felt he was blaming me for not reading his mind. Is this just me?

i am in a road trip and am stuck in a semi and the jerk driver said it again to me.

 

[James McGregor]

sorry not following the question, and it doesnt seem to match the post title?

 

[Friday]

I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused, am I understanding correctly:

You're on a road trip (hitch hiking?) and the truck driver you're with just said the same thing to you (that you don't listen) that your abuser used to say to you?

 

[WhiteHatGirl]

yes, I'm now past the trip. Thank god the person didn't say anything really bad, but he was a little demeaning once again once. I forgot the exact phrasing. But I'm talking about that phrase....
Isn't it BLAMING the other person for not being able to clearly get your message across by telling them, "They don't listen!" They actively defied you in some way by TUNING them out when they were supposed to hang on your every word? (yes dad was a massive toxic N)

 

[Cannottakethis]

My N would constantly tell me I wasn’t listening, that I wasn’t on the same wavelength, that I should be able to guess what he wanted.. and yes, read his mind. When I got hearing aids, at least I could prove I really couldn’t hear him.

 

[WhiteHatGirl]

Yes that was good old N dad and N x spouse!

 

[WhiteHatGirl]

Reanalyzing what I say is going on, it's not welcome.
It's just not an approach I can cope with when I put up threads.
People saying the phrase "You are not listening" as a trigger is what I'm asking about. Blaming the other person when they whisper, or forget that they didn't tell you something is GASLIGHTING in Narcisstic terms.

 

[joeylittle]

People saying the phrase "You are not listening" as a trigger is what I'm asking about.

Are you asking if other people experience it as a trigger?

And do you want it to stop being a trigger? Most people here would tend to assume, yes, it would be good to downgrade that trigger to a stressor.

But to do the validation piece of this - I do understand, I get panicky when I'm told that I'm not listening. It's specifically because I connect it to an assumption that the other person is not understanding me - or, that I've done something wrong.

 

[Suzetig]

Blaming the other person when they whisper, or forget that they didn't tell you something is GASLIGHTING in Narcisstic terms

Or it can be a human failing - I can have the "did you not listen to me" conversation 10 times a day with my husband - and then remember that I actually didn't tell him, or he didn't hear me talking to him or didn't pick up what I said or the importance of it.

"You are not listening" is just a phrase, a set of words in a particular order, the thing that makes it a trigger is the meaning you attach to those words based on your previous experience. That's the process @joeylittle describes in explaining what that phrase brings up for her. The only person who can challenge or change that bit is you - your trigger, your interpretation, your reaction, yours to manage.

My sense of you is that you'd like the world to work around you, to avoid doing things you find difficult, to know what your triggers are and not press your buttons in any way and if - inevitably - something does happen that you consider a trigger, it's the other persons fault for triggering you. I know you'll say that's part of your APD diagnosis, and that may be the case, but while your diagnosis might make it harder to challenge your thinking, you still need to do it or you'll forever be in this loop.

One of the most valuable things for me about this site is the explicit understanding that we are all responsible for our own triggers and how we react to them. It's helped me take that understanding into my daily life and stop hoping that people would just not trigger stuff in me and has helped me find ways to cope with shame, blame, anger, fear, vulnerability and sense of exposure that arise when I feel triggered.

 

[Muttly]

I know I have said this phrase before. when called on it, I've realized it's not the best way to phrase things and it's me making an assumption. I don't know if it was something that was said to me as a kid. If it it was, I don't remember that. I don't know if if I picked it up somewhere else. I do know it's something that people say very often so it would be good to work having it not be a trigger. I'm not saying it's a great thing to say, and I have consciously been trying to say change that phrase.

I know when I say it, when I mean is I *feel* not listened to. I feel like I am not being heard (valued). I can even feel like I am the one being gas lighted. I can be triggered.

Isn't it BLAMING the other person for not being able to clearly get your message across by telling them, "They don't listen!" They actively defied you in some way by TUNING them out when they were supposed to hang on your every word? (

Or it's someone feeling unheard. Or it's someone trying to say, "hey, I'm telling you something and you don't seem to have the message". Or it is someone who did say something and for whatever reason the other person didn't listen. Or... who knows, not everyone who says that phrase is going to be a narcissist. The reason I am aware I say that particular phrase is I said it to be my boyfriend a couple times before he pointed out what I was saying. He dissociates a lot. He also has poor hearing. He doesn't always hear what I say. He doesn't always remember what I say. On good days it can be no big deal or a bit frustrating. On bad days it can be downright triggering for me.