The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[AngelKeeperJ]

I hope you enjoy the movie! My heart born Daughter and I are planning to see that movie soon!

 

[mumstheword]

I am back to being that part who is uncertain about everything. I know I'm not well but I feel like such a fake, a poser, a loser, a hypochondriac. I question everything, I'm certain about nothing except I know I love S. He is my axis mundi.
Yes I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Yes I have my referral to the Trauma&Dissociation inpatients program but aren't I just making a fuss to get out of being more functional? Aren't I just lazy and pathetic?
Haven't people been through properly horrid things like wars and seeing people murdered in front of them? I don't deserve this consideration. I don't believe anything I claim. I just don't believe in me. I think I probably just got what was coming to me. I'm not good. People think I am because they don't know how disgusting a person I actually am. They don't know I'm a faker, a poser, a loser. I'm weaker and way more pathetic than
most. I don't believe all that I love myself bs that other parts might go on about. I'm just a faker who's getting tired because faking is tiring. I disgust myself. I disappoint myself. I am an almost non-person of non-repute. People disregard me and hate me and disrespect me because I am not worthy.

No wonder she has separate parts that have their own personalities, some of them are actually cool, strong or awesome but she is fractured, pathetic, a non-person, a tool, only worth anything by virtue of being useful or providing pleasure for others.

She is probably making it up. She is so full of shit. She should be ashamed of herself. How does she even know she was raped as a baby? Or a toddler? She doesn't. Just because she was frightened and isolated as a child. Slutty from the start. Just because she would lie awake and shake in fear. No one cares. No.one "saw" her. So she might as well not have existed. She wanted to disappear. She tried to starve herself into the ground when she started developing into womanhood. It was too frightening. To disgusting. Her mum stuck stuff up her bum. People threatened to kill her. Her mum never loved her. Her mum was disgusted with her. She was a nuisance. She was a "difficult child" she was "happier when given magic mushrooms" as a small child. Other than that she was an unhappy, frightened, petrified child. Dissociated. Can't remember much of her life. Just lame. This part is disgusted with her. Ashamed of her. I don't want to be her. I don't want to be. Bring Linetta Ray in, or Nyah, bring on a part that isn't lame and broken and doesn't even know.

 

[mumstheword]

Wow, that must be my meanest part. I'm shocked at how horrid that is. I don't feel like that at all. I believe in love. I have compassion for myself and am an honest person that has worked very hard on being a being who demonstrates and lives a life that has integrity. I am complex, highly intelligent and yes, damaged, but not a loser, or a poser. Who is the real person? These voices are all facets of the one being.
I have been highly stressed for so much of my life. I badly want some relief. I am very sensitive. I don't even.know how I've managed to survive it all.
Cast Iron will, I guess.

I'm looking forward to my session with the early sexual trauma T on Wednesday
I saw my long term T on Friday. She is back from holidays. She is good for me. She said I could share the hard and bad stuff with her if I want to. I am starting to get a sense of what it really feels like to be supported, and sometimes what if feels like to feel safe. I am getting somewhere. I am very hopeful :-)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

@mumstheword
I just want to wrap you up in cuddly warm blankets, find a good rocking chair and HUG the little girl that lives inside you until you feel warm, LOVED, and VERY, VERY SAFE!!!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, in EVERY WAY!!! You are STRONGER THAN STRONG, and YOU ARE WORTHY OF ALL THE LOVE THAT PEOPLE HAVE FOR YOU.... INCLUDING ME!!!
:hug: :hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

@mumstheword
I just want to wrap you up in cuddly warm blanket...

I am so so grateful @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ . I am so so struggling at the mo. Lots.
Shaky, collapsing into myself, frightened. My guy is hyperaroused about the neighbor stuff and things are so tense because of this woman's chaotic and negligent abuse she perpetrates through her 4 vicious bull married dogs and her constant baiting and territorial "Silverback" kind of behaviour. We have a shared front area, it's supposed to be communal, for parking cars and playing children. She dominates and blocks car access near "her" fireplace. Today my guy wants to move "her" log, that is stopping cars being able to drive out. She is in hiding but has left her creepy "guy in a van" guarding "her area". The same guy that threatened my guy a couple of weeks ago with a crow bar and "when I see you in the street" after my guy insisted he stop dumping filthy stinking mud on our front, actually our personal front area, on her behalf, of course. I am concerned things will escalate. Shaking, breathing hard, worried.

 

[mumstheword]

married

Mastiff

 

[mumstheword]

I saw my mother the other day. It was not good for me. My Dad told her about me going into therapy for early childhood sexual abuse. I hadn't wanted her involved as I knew she would lie and deny to avoid any notion of culpability. She did. She even want as far as trying to throw blame into my Dad and when questioned about "the guy who gave me magic mushrooms at 3 1/2, the guy who she had said about "oh well, you were happier than usual (on the shrooms)" But instead, this time she said "That didn't happen, I didn't say that" and then "I don't remember that".

I got bailed up by her and my brother, when my guy and I were trying to get a pub lunch. Not fun. She was practically accusing me, and negating me, as usual.

The result? A plunge into guilt, shame, unease, grief, self-doubt, self-hate, self-disgust, and anger from my guy, on my behalf. She is not healthy for me to be around.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug: @mumstheword :hug:
I am sorry that happened!!! You are NOT ALONE, and you ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR, and you are WORTHY OF BEING VERY LOVED!!! You are strong and courageous, no matter who or what comes your way!

You are in the process of healing and one of these days you will be able to walk right past your mother and it won't bother you???

Blessings and HUGS to YOU AND YOUR MAN!!!

 

[mumstheword]

:hug: @mumstheword :hug:
I am sorry that happened!!! You are NOT ALONE, and...

Thank you dear, sweet, loving friend! I admit to being a shaking, hypervigilant mess today, as a result of unresolved neighbor triggers, but your lovely post is helping my breath not be so ragged and my adrenals and cortisol to not cane me so much. I have been hovering over my guy, out the front, with my phone camera at the ready, in case neighbor-from-hell comes out and starts screaming threats and abuse, but I think she's gone out now.

We have a new bed! My guy is modifying a huge pallet for the base :-). The mattress is sooooo awesome and it was a steal from the Salvos (a charity shop, not really a steal, $65, but it feels like a steal). Oh Oh. Neighbor is back, my nervous system ramps up.

I rang the Trauma and Dissociation unit today. I have everything in place for sending in my application for admission. It can't come soon enough. I don't think I'll get in on the school holidays, which is a bummer, as it would be ideal. I don't want to have to worry about my kids school year being affected. I'll see. My daughter already told me she'd help her brother get ready for school and he is pretty responsible already. They are awesome kids and both supportive and caring people. She is 16 1/2 now, and he is 12.
I think I do want to get in as soon as I can. They said probably February.

I have a wonderful new T too.:-)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I am praying that you will have the courage and strength to rise above your pain, healing one trauma after the other! Along with your Sweetie! You don't have to EARN being loved!

The Almighty God who created the rainbow, is walking you THROUGH your struggles! Your neighbors will reap what they have sewn!
(I "caught" this rainbow through one of the prism balls that I have)

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ :) such kind words, an amazing photo! You have a good heart.
We are sorting out our home, our "trauma site". I have so little energy.
We are turning our neighbor triggers into just neighbor stressors.
It's still hard and stressful but we are doing great supporting each other.
We have a good bed, finally.
We have had a good day together, me and my beautiful guy.

 

[mumstheword]

Neighbours... cognitive distortions
Here's is an update on our NFH (neighbor from hell) sitch.
We are doing quite well considering :-)