Relationship Push/pull - Combat Ptsd Boyfriend New Relationship

[Bigblue]

@Snowflakes great to hear that you guys are taking positive steps. Also great to hear that there is hope.

I really hope we can break the cycle. :)

 

[Bigblue]

Hello it's me again to report back. For the past 2 weeks I have been trying something new. I have been trying to avoid finger pointing and became softer towards our relationship. In most relationships I only act when the other person acts. If they text, I text. If they don't respond, I stop. If they call I call etc. And I mostly let them initiate. so to break the cycle I have been sending simple "good morning" texts or light funny stuff. He has been replying. We also spoke on the phone a few times.

He replies sweetly, but still not like when we first started. Also mentioned he was afraid of getting hurt. I asked him if he didn't want me to text him I would stop, and told him that I genuinely wanted to be close again but would respect his wish if he wanted us to move on. He said he wanted me to text. But last week he started not answering my good morning texts. He usually stops right before the weekend, as he didn't agree to see me yet.

So I gave him space and didn't text him for a few days.

Today is my birthday. Since we are old friends he always texted me especially on my birthday even when I lived abroad. Not skipping one for the past 10 years.

Today I have nothing. He knows well, birthdays are special to me and it will break my heart. I am telling myself not to take it personally but I am also asking myself seriously what I am after. If he doesn't care about me not to text me for my birthday why can't he also tell me to move on?

I know this is mu decision to make and he is doing his best to push me away. I can't feel but sad when I waited almost all day to receive a simple text...

I am almost sure I won't text him again. I can't stop feeling like a fool, chasing a man who obviously gave up on me.

Is any expectation too much with PTSD?

 

[Sweetpea76]

You're allowed to have expectations. You have to make allowances for the reality of his illness, but if he is healthy enough to be in a relationship then he should be putting forth some effort. The level he can achieve may fluctuate, but it's the effort that counts

 

[Snowflakes]

@Bigblue Im sorry you are hurting. @Sweetpea76 is absolutely correct. It took me a while to learn that I had the right to have expectations. What was harder for me was learning the allowances Sweetpea writes about. My sufferer rarely meets my expectations but I truly believe her when she tells me she is trying. It is her continued attempts at trying that keeps us going. You are not getting that now from your friend and for that you are hurting. Take care of you.

 

[Bigblue]

Thank you @Sweetpea76 and @Snowflakes. I am taking care of me, as I am spending time with friends and went to get my hair done etc today. Thanks for reminding me again to take care of myself. I know it is very important and we cannot remind ourselves enough.

It is very hard to understand where PTSD ends and where disinterest begins. I really had a happy but broken hearted day. It made me think again if I can have a relationship with someone who has a hard time showing interest or effort.

So, our cycle begins again. He pushes me to the limit where he knows I will really be hurt and I also get distant... and there will be weeks of no contact.

Obviously he is not at a place to be in a relationship, or at least relationship with me. I am very sad today as I really hoped our love would heal each other.

Thanks for listening to me... I wish there was an easier way to fix this than to respect his wish and move on.

 

[Bigblue]

When I read about other posters I usually wonder what happened if there is no update.

UPDATE: 4-5 days after I posted here, I asked him for a phone call to talk about things. And although he made it clear with actions that he wasn't willing to put the effort, I still asked him if he wanted to give us a fair chance or if I should move on.

I got blamed for almost everything and he told me that we had no chance. And told me "you are not the only woman I fell in love with, I don't see a reason to put more effort into this like others."

That was my breaking point I think. I always thought I was the love of his life, because he told me so. And somehow we would find a common ground. I told him, I understood, and I respect his decision and I would move on. He said, we will keep in touch. I told him that, he could call me anytime but I would not call him again since my efforts didn't seem to change anything.

That was a month ago. I didn't text him, he didn't text me. Since last week he started liking my photos on facebook, something he only did when we started dating. I am upset about the fact that he is still lurking in the background, almost giving me crumbs for me to reach out to him.

I promised myself I won't contact him. I am making the choice for us both to end this unhealthy cycle.

I am doing well. I am exercising, socializing, people say I look better than I look 10 years ago. Still not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I just try to love from a distance.

Thanks for being there for me, and always being a safe place for us to express our feelings...

 

[Buttercup]

Wow. Reading this I had to look at your avatar flag to make sure we weren't seeing the same guy!:O_o:

So many similarities. But the thing is, I read this at exactly the right time. I've been thinking about ending this cycle myself. Taking it into my own hands. It's been so painful, but also enabling the bad behavior. So he has no reason to do anything differently nor to seek help.

Thanks for your update. It has really helped me! And good luck in your journey. And stay strong! :hug:

 

[Bigblue]

Hello @tlc . Thanks for writing.

I also often read other people's posts and wonder if we are talking about the same person or not...

Now that I have been no contact for 6 weeks things are clearer to me. I am sure this was or is also very hard for him. If what he told me about his feelings were true.

Being away from the push-pull dance has been great. Being away from a disfunctional relationship has been good. But being away from him has been hard.

I hope you also find the strength from the love you have for yourself and him to end the unhealthy pattern.

Sending you cyber hugs

 

[Same situation]

Thanks for updating throughout the year! I have such a similar case with my warrior, its painful. It's actually sooooooo interesting that hundreds of stories are similar, when it comes to dating a combat vet w/ PTSD (the whole push-pull aspect) but each have different variations due to it being unique with each couple. It's been almost 3 years with my guy and currently we are in the "isolation" stage i.e. no communication, blocked from his phone, and blocked from all social media; painful is an understatement. But its recycled over and over again.

I was wondering how you were doing currently?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Thanks for updating throughout the year! I have such a similar case with my warrior, its painful. It's actually...

I too am currently in an isolation stage that has been going on for almost two weeks. He emailed this morning with an update on something he’s been working on an he’s finally succeeded. I emailed back with celebration for his achievements. I’m waiting for him to come completely out this cycle, so in the meantime I’m just working on me by educating and becoming a little more self-aware. I wish you the very best. It’s hard!

 

[anon1234]

Roll call - it will be 1 month of isolation for me this weekend.