Going no contact with a family member that is a narcissist

[Deleted member 12723]

I have to hold onto hope anyway

I keep hearing people tell me this and it so hard to do. I try to hold onto hope yet it hurts so much to try to do this for me anyways. I guess I will give it a try what can it hurt?

If I don't expect anything I can't be disappointed. I know how hard it is to detach with love from those people we care about who don't seem to care about us in return.

Believe this one totally. I too have tried to reach out to my daughter and have left, leaving the door open to her. I am actually doing so much better once again now that the holiday is behind me. It was the first holiday being cut off from my family that made it so tough to deal with for me and now that it is over for another year I have the time now to really heal.

Thank you for reaching out with the common sense approach to all of this. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am having one really good day and have plans this time for New Years Eve to spend with friends here on the forum and undecorating my home and making a crock pot meal for the good smells and food.

I am resting to heal up my sprained ankle. Today I started a letter to Ez full of good things for him to hope on about himself. Something good to hang onto and some encouragement and hope that it will not get thrown in the trash.

I now know for sure that my daughter is hiding something and keeping me away because she knows I would confront and deal with whatever it is. This whole thing has been a complete ruse on her part I believe.

I am having a really good day so I am letting this go.

I really hope that this New Year brings good out of the bad for me. I am doing so much better now finally.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain The thinking pattern is not healthy. Thinking your daughter is hiding something. Replace those thoughts with something different, something positive. It doesn’t have to be about your daughter, just something positive.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Replace those thoughts with something different, something positive. It doesn’t have to be about your daughter, just something positive.

Thanks She Cat, I will.:hug:

 

[Suzetig]

I now know for sure that my daughter is hiding something and keeping me away because she knows I would confront and deal with whatever it is.

Is this the daughter you're no contact with? It might ease your mind to let go of whatever might be going on with her - you're no contact with her for a reason, there will be lots of things you don't get to know about now. Trust your decision to keep her out of your life and let it rest.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

I'm with @She Cat on this Rain. You're still too focused on what your daughter might be doing thinking or feeling and not focusing enough on yourself and your own recovery from her abuse of you. I also think you're setting yourself up for disappointment again by writing another letter to your grandkid when there's no guarantee they will even receive it let alone reply to you. I know your intentions are good and you want to help your grandkid love and that's only natural I completely understand. But when your toxic daughter sees your handwriting on that envelope I can promise you it will go straight in the bin and it may even provoke her into being nasty to you again. I don't know about you Rain but that seems to me like poking a hornet's nest with a stick and expecting not to be stung. Even if you don't get a reaction that will hurt you too, being ignored. Why set yourself up for yet more pain? Haven't you had enough of it love? In your position I would give up. I wouldn't want to keep punishing myself by showing kindness to anyone who either isn't available or willing to receive it yet if ever. And I wouldn't want to keep the drama going either. I'm not saying that's what you're doing in this situation hun just something for you to consider. I know you care desperately about your grandkids Rain and I'm sure they know it too, but there's nothing you can do for them right now. But you can do plenty for yourself in the meantime while you wait for them to grow up and get free of their horrible mother. You also have to face the possibility that even by the time that happens they may have been so brainwashed and poisoned against you by your evil daughter you may never be able to have a relationship with them again. Oh darling I know it hurts I really do but you have to look at the reality of the situation. I know it sucks I know it's unfair but if you can try to accept the truth now it will save you a lot of further heartbreak and sorrow in the future. Please take good care of yourself in the meantime. You're a lovely person with a big heart and I for one don't want to see you suffering anymore than you need to. I really hope you don't think I said anything out of turn here Rain and I apologise in advance if you think I have, as I'm only trying to help. God bless you and have a good New Year's Eve. Your crock pot dinner sounds delicious by the way :) xx

 

[ladee]

@Rain...you and I have been on this journey with our kids from the beginning...and considering all the things from your past that surfaced thru all this, I applaud you for the progress you have made....
No one knows what happens to the letters you send... unfortunately none of us are fortune tellers.... and you are not only doing it for Ez, you are doing it for you... and that is important.... this is not a bad or harmful thing you are doing... and when and if you get to see him again.. you will be able to tell him you wrote to him often... you have a special bond with him.... and 'letting it go' takes a lot of time... a lot... as you know how long it took me to get to a place of peace , so it will happen for you...

Of course I missed my son during the holidays, and the 15th was his birthday, wondering if he had food and was warm and dry... that's a mama heart, I hope you and I never shut off that part of our self... and you have made amazing progress in a short amount of time.. you are not where you want to be, and that's ok... you have goals, you have gone back to therapy, you reach out here when you need to....

Don't ever stop being you..... we all walk this path in different ways... and I know you, and you know me... and we have held each other up during the really bad parts... but you are also free to find what works for you.... you are grieving... in a matter of a few years you have lost your whole family... and THAT is a lot to deal with... your husband, your son, and then your daughter and the grandkids... you were a part of their life every day for all these years... You filled your life up with Sarah and the kids after loosing your husband and son.... from where I set, and knowing you as I do... not once have I heard you want to give up... you have constantly been asking questions, and yes, things are still out of balance... so what !! It's not like you haven't been REAL and honest thru this whole thing....

You keep writing letters to Ez... that is for you.... and the not knowing, well, how many of us undertake a new part of our journey and know the end result, we don't !!! So, you like me, in some situations, have been all over the place, trying to add each new healing thing all at the same time and got yourself overwhelmed... but you were searching... and you needed contact with people who understand you, know you, really know you, and the bottom line, you are supported on your healing journey... by me and many others... we are not enabling you to stay stuck, because you aren't... you are very aware when you need to look at things and tweek things so you can move forward with baby steps...

I personally am so proud of you.... this is YOUR journey... YOUR healing, YOUR style, it would come across phony any other way... and you have learned some hard lessons, just in the past few weeks.... but you are always open.... in that regard you do much better than I do...

You keep on keepin' on.... you have made amazing progress, and had a mountain of pain about other things you were dealing with at the same time... I don't think you and I, speaking for myself here, will ever stop having hope for my son... it doesn't rule my day, and I have managed to give him back to God, and take my hands off any end results... but I didn't get there overnight...

So you hang on.. you do what is right for you... as we grow, that changes... this is YOUR journey... Knowing what all you have dealt with this past year, I am amazed your still standing.... you are loved... and that gives you space to try all the things you need to do, to get where you are going....

One of the very first things we learn when we get to the forum, is take what you need and leave the rest.... and Happy New Year to you, can't wait to see where you and I end up this next year.... could get worse, hopefully it gets much better, either way, we aren't alone... lots of hugs to you, and you just keep on keepin' on.... you got this....love ya

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Ladee I wasn't saying that Rain was stuck in any way or that she should give up hope about her grandkids. I was merely suggesting that she perhaps should give up sending letters that won't get a reply because waiting and hoping for a reply that may never come will hurt her and disappoint her and I only know this from bitter first hand experience. No we don't know for certain whether or not the letter she is writing will end up in the trash but given how her daughter has already behaved regarding Rain's past attempts at communication with her grandkids there's a very strong possibility it may happen again. All I was suggesting is that Rain be a bit more realistic about it and to lower her expectations so she doesn't end up so upset again. I know you have known her a lot longer than me and you're probably in a much better position than me to advise her and I totally respect that. I also know that she is a warrior and battler and she has come through some really hard things since I've known her myself. Nobody's taking that away from Rain least of all me. And I've lost my entire family as well so I do personally know how difficult it is to grieve those significant losses and move forward. You and I may not agree on everything Ladee but I defend to the death your right to hold a different opinion to me to paraphrase Voltaire. And we both have Rain's best interests at heart so we can at least agree on that can't we? Opinions are just that opinions nothing more nothing less. They are not always based on facts and I was only expressing my feelings about Rain's situation. I could be wrong and I accept that. I'm sorry if I inadvertently caused any offence because that wasn't my intention at all. Happy New Year to you God bless xx

 

[Deleted member 12723]

you know how long it took me to get to a place of peace , so it will happen for you...

Thank you so much for the encouragement, ladee it meant a lot to me knowing how hard it has been for you lately and I was surprised to see you posting to me today on this painful topic on top of everything elsel:happy::hug::hug::hug:

Of course I missed my son during the holidays, and the 15th was his birthday, wondering if he had food and was warm and dry... that's a mama heart, I hope you and I never shut off that part of our self..

I will hopefully, never shut off my mamas heart towards my daughter. I have been letting her go and trying to respect her choice to live apart from me knowing that she has her own reasons, what ever they may be, to separate from me in the way that she has chosen and I do try to hang onto that little shred of hope that perhaps someday she may wake up before it is too late for her and suffers the natural consequences to her as a result.

in a matter of a few years you have lost your whole family... and THAT is a lot to deal with... your husband, your son, and then your daughter and the grandkids... you were a part of their life every day for all these years... You filled your life up with Sarah and the kids after loosing your husband and son.... from where I set, and knowing you as I do... not once have I heard you want to give up... you have constantly been asking questions, and yes, things are still out of balance... so what !!

Thank you so much for being you and seeing what I have been experiencing this past year. This has meant so much to me and you do understand how this feels. I so appreciate the bonds of love for our kids that we do.

You keep writing letters to Ez... that is for you.... and the not knowing, well, how many of us undertake a new part of our journey and know the end result, we don't !!!

I fully plan on continuing the letter writing for me as it has been a very comforting and encouraging thing for me to do. It shows me through practice and consistancy that I am trying to offer good things to help him to hang onto a real hope for his future and for him not to give up because I do know for a fact that he checks the mail and maybe he cannot read them but he does know that I am trying to reach out and maintain a connection with him. Thank you for this encouragement.

One of the very first things we learn when we get to the forum, is take what you need and leave the rest.... and Happy New Year to you, can't wait to see where you and I end up this next year.... could get worse, hopefully it gets much better, either way, we aren't alone... lots of hugs to you, and you just keep on keepin' on.... you got this....love ya

I am still learning the lesson to take what I need and leave the rest and let go and not get so seriously triggered and over react. Thank you so much for saying this to me. I so appreciate your real and down to earth take on things and I do enjoy your wit and sense of humor as well. Yes it is possible that it can get worse and that is out of my hands. Out of my control as well and I have lessons galore to learn through each instance of reality and I do want to learn all of the lessons I can and not waste my emotional pain in them either. Hahaha. Happy New Year, and crossing my fingers in hopes that it will get better as time passes for the both of us. Lots of hope, respect love and hugs to you.:hug::hug::hug::hug:

I was merely suggesting that she perhaps should give up sending letters that won't get a reply because waiting and hoping for a reply that may never come will hurt her and disappoint her and I only know this from bitter first hand experience.

I am not going to get involved in the middle but I want to share with you that I do not hope for a reply anymore. I understand that it is out of my hands and that my daughter has all of the power and control over the kids for now until they get launched into their new lives as young adults.

I write in hopes that my grandson will appreciate the fact that I am the same person and have been trying to reach out to him as I did consistantly before all of this fell apart so badly. He does check the mail and will have to face and deal with the fact that it is his mom who is making some choices for him if she is throwing them away unread. He will see the pictures on the outside of the envelpes that I draw for him to make him smile because we shared the art before. I am just trying to do maintenence on the close bond we share and although I do have a shred of hope that he will read the encouragement inside, he either does or does not read them and that is full on my daughter.

I appreciate your support and encouragement a lot and I just wanted to clarify for you so that you would know what I am doing. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain Yes, you are doing a great job and I want to commend you for this. We all know it isn’t easy. There are a few other things to look at though, and please be patient and understanding as you read this, because it may not feel very kind. I’m trying to be gentle,,,,,,,,

When someone on the forum pisses you off, and continues to do so even after asking them to stop. You have the option of putting them on ignore. Your daughter doesn’t. Every time she sees a letter to her son, knowing how pissed off she must be, do you think it helps the situation?????? Do you think she gets more pissed off? Would you, if the shoe was on the other foot????

The second thing.... You have 2 grandchildren and yet you only write letters to one! Do you think this might add fury to your daughters pissed mood. Again, try putting the shoe on the other foot, and just sit with how you would feel if someone shunned one of your kids?

We do things to make US feel better, but BEFORE we do these things, we must look at the other side of things. Every aspect of it and see if it actually HELPS the situation or if it might hurt it.

You can continue to do whatever you feel you need to, all I’m asking you to do is first stop, and see if it will help the situation or hurt it, and are you doing it for the right reasons......

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You have 2 grandchildren and yet you only write letters to one!

Thanks She Cat as usual.:happy: The reason I cannot write the littler one is that my daughter said I was ruining her life by writing to her because I had been writing them each a letter once a week previous for a very long time and they all enjoyed getting their own mail. Well to make a long story short, my daughter threatened me with a restraining order if I did not stop writing them both as they were each minors and she is the legal guardian of them both at the time, almost a year ago.

Anyway with my grandson becoming an adult, I continued to start writing him again I realize the potential for harm on my daughters part had occurred to me and I was waiting for an attack and so far she allows me to both write and text the newly adult grandson and I do put in words for Jadzia. Saying that I will begin writing again once she turns eighteen that is if it is salvageable which I honestly have no idea.

To me the risks are worthwhile and if my daughter says something then I would stop and respect the boundary. I am just leaving an open door and so far nothing has come to my attention from her. I am really being careful what I say and not trying to stir my daughter up. I honestly do not know where my daughters head is at since she sent me the seven videos of her cutting and telling me that she was an unhappy person on her last birthday. She spoke to me in a good voice and was smiling sometimes and that is all I have to go on. But it seemed to me that she had lost her intense emotional rage since I had seen her previous when she was here to get the kids things and at that time she was full of open hatred towards me.

My daughter wants nothing to do with me and she has made that very clear. Yet I am allowed to do these things and I do not know why.

all I’m asking you to do is first stop, and see if it will help the situation or hurt it, and are you doing it for the right reasons......

Yes I am trying to encourage my grandson because of his depression, low self esteem and SI. I may be wrong yet I could not live with myself if he killed himself and I had not tried to reach out and encourage him and remind him of what a good person he is on the inside and that he is very loved. I understand about unintended consequences so I am trying to guard myself.:hug:

And if I knew I was hurting the situation I would end it. I do not think at this point that I am doing any harm and perhaps my daughter has remembered that I am supposed to sign her lease in May and is tolerating my for this reason, I really do not know.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain Thanks for the clarification on the reason for only writing to one grandchild.......