General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

Tell the crystal ball to send postcards at least!

 

[LuckiLee]

Oh boy. Shopping. I do all the shopping. I know J can't handle it especially when it's crowded. Sometimes he wants to go with me. And he does. But it never goes well.

When we do go together I always say I can do it while he waits in the car. Nope. He comes in with me and has to get out of there pretty quickly. People in his space. Too many people. Loud. Too many dangers....

I think it's a pride thing?? He wants to prove to himself he can do it. "It's only shopping for Christ sakes". I can tell when he's not in the right frame of mind to do it but he still tries.

When he tells me he's not up to it I'm relieved because we can avoid all the b.s. it brings up. It makes no sense to put him through that when we don't have to.

If you can't or don't want to that's ok. Tell hubby you're not up to it and give him a shopping list.

 

[Freida]

I think it's a pride thing?? He wants to prove to himself he can do it. "It's only shopping for Christ sakes". I

yep. it's the whole I WONT LET THIS BEAT ME! thing. I mean seriously, who can't hold it together going grocery shopping? It's really embarrassing for me -- I can't imagine what it would be like for him. A ranger? And can't go to the grocery store? What a loser. (not me saying that - him saying that)

And, I constantly misjudge how much things are going to upset me until it's too late. that is one place where being on this site has been a godsend. It makes me realize how much I don't think ahead of time and how that impacts me and those around me.

 

[LuckiLee]

Our friends and family (my family anyway) know who he is. They know he's "been in the shit" so no one has a problem when he hangs on the outskirts of a party. Or hangs out in the garage smoking cigarettes while everyone's in the basement. (duH) We're pretty honest about things with people. And they're well informed anyways when it comes to the topic of PTSD and combat.

J is awesome. He could easily stay home where it's safe (ish) instead he does the things he loves/loved. He just has to do it in short intervals. He knows it. I know it. And our immediate family and friends know it.

As for planning ahead. We do. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Such is life.

XO

 

[Sweetpea76]

We had to make a deal about grocery shopping. It was an adapt/overcome situation.

Grocery stores/Walmart "big box" stores always get my vet. He can do other kinds of shopping when he's feeling well, but he can rarely do those.

Can't see over the aisles. Makes sense.

That and he can't stand the sound of crying children. It's a trigger. People tend to let their kids cry it out a lot in grocery stores.

He told me why, and he's tried to go with me occasionally, so I've seen it also. Because of that I never ask him to go grocery shopping. Ever. If he says he wants to go, sure, but I never ask. I keep a magnetized grocery list on the fridge for him to write down anything he wants instead, and I'm the designated grocery-getter.

One of those things that pisses him off, but he has to work through at his own pace.

Now he shops like a champ at a gun store, Bass Pro Shop, or Gander Mountain :rolleyes:. To be fair though, the height of any of the display racks are pretty low in those types of stores.

 

[LuckiLee]

I can tell when he's not up for it. If he does come with me on those occasions someone will bump into him... And it's "We gotta go. Now". I don't why he does that to himself? (& me)

 

[Freida]

Can't see over the aisles. Makes sense.

My PTSD guru (army vet) gave me a whole divide and conquer for the grocery store because I have the same issue - can't see. Now when I walk into grocery store and identify the exits and then anyone between them and me. Are they a threat? Or can I just shove them out of the way?. Then I identify weapons I can use if necessary like 5 gallon milk jugs to hit someone with, cans to throw, grocery cart to shove. Silly as it sounds it is was amazingly helpful. Now when I start to get panicky I can make a list of things I can use to protect myself. Plus I've got the dog who stands between me and people. So I'm usually ok with shopping. usually.. ....

 

[grimalkin]

Man, I WISH my sufferer had just laid it out for me. Instead, I spent 7 years thinking that he just had no interest in doing anything, big OR small, with me. "It's not you, it's that I don't want to" starts to sound fake when there is a very very limited number of things he's willing to do. Or, more specifically, sounds like he only wants to do specifically what he wants, compromise be damned.

And why did I put up with it? Oy. *lol* That's been the topic of my last few therapy sessions myself. "You didn't KNOW it was PTSD. Why did you allow him to treat you badly?" Yeah if we could figure that out....:banghead::bag:

 

[Freida]

there is another side to isolating....that's where I'm headed now....

We tend to think of isolating or ghosting as taking off to prevent big blow ups, protect our supporters from the violence that is right below the surface, afraid to hurt you, afraid of ourselves.

but there is another side to it... When the memories and symptoms are so bad you can't cope and its time to disappear because you have no energy to engage. The quiet ghosting. I'm here - going thru the motions. But I'm not really here.

Picture being wrapped in a soft cloud where nothing can get in and nothing matters. You kind of float away from those around you. Sure, you might be showing up where you are supposed to be, answering questions, interacting and pretending everything is fine, but really everything is kind of muffled. Things just don't resonate. Birthday, anniversary, successes? YEAH? Naw...Just kind of ..meh. I'll be there with a smile on my face but its like things just don't register. It's the opposite of the panicky stress that lead me here. This is non.... everything.

I know you see that I'm here physically but emotionally I'm just totally checked out. Usually if I take off now its because I'm craving quiet in my cloud. No noisy kids, naggie hubby, barking dog, cell phones, tv, cars, dishes to do, house to clean, etc etc, etc. The memories and nightmares come and go and when they break through into my cloud all my attention goes to pushing them away. Then I can fix my cloud and stop thinking again. Until the next time. Its a constant battle to keep my cloud safe and quiet and I will fight to defend it.

Having you around makes that too hard to do. You are a huge distraction to me - and that makes me bitchy. You are poking holes in my cloud trying to get to me. You want me to be in your world. And I'm not. I'm dissolving - and there is nothing you or I can do to stop it. It simply must run it's course. How long? Until I can cope again.....

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thanks @Freida very good timing. How I feel. Cloud yeah makes sense. Trying hard to be here for others, normal whatever that is. Lost my grammar. Whatever.

 

[Freida]

Words are the first thing to go.....

funny we are doing this at the same time dontcha think?

doing stuff for others = pecked to death by chickens

 

[Buttercup]

I feel like this is where my guy is a good portion of the time. In that cloud. Thanks for explaining this.