P
Please answer
I posted something on myptsd a while back that included me mentioning getting belted alot as a child and some people commented that what I experienced was actually abuse. The reason I ask if it actually is, is because I kind of believe that maybe it could've been. I'll explain. My childhood was okay for the most part minus the memories that I prefer to lock away in a safe of my mind. Please no rude comments and if you think I'm exaggerating or overreacting I would appreciate it that you state your opinions nicely. Anyways, I'm starting to think that the multitude of spankings and beatings with a belt that I got really screwed with me. This is because after a certain number of times getting beaten with belts and spanked bare as a child I actually started liking it. I hate hate hate to admit this because i know it sounds sick and I'm probably one of the only people who felt this way.. I would obsess over BDSM thoughts at a really young age like 5 years old and would fantasize about getting whipped with belts or being spanked and would frequently act it out on myself, draw pictures of people getting spanked/whipped, and search through the dictionary for words like spank, beat, whip, etc. Which I feel for a kid is kind of weird. Anyways, acting it out on myself continued until I turned about 12 years old when I swore to myself that I would stop due to my intense feelings of shame and embarassment; however the fantasies didn't stop and instead I would just self harm by cutting to keep feeling pain with less embarrassment. All of this wouldn't be a problem at all and could easily be coped with except for all of the problems that it's causing in my life currently.
Intimacy with my mate, my relationship with a family member, and even religion is at stake. I'll start with the family member, this person makes me uncomfortable and is mentioned in my last post as well. I absolutely feel nothing but disgust for this person but I have no idea why. I thought it was because I was maybe sexually abused by them and couldn't remember but people in the last post mentioned that it could be the other dysfunction caused by them that makes me feel like I want nothing but to get away from them whenever I'm near them. I can't even look at them without feeling an intense amount of anger towards them, and just want to cut them out of my life entirely because my body seems to be telling me that they're dangerous. If you want to hear more about this person I would check out my other previous post.
Another problem that my childhood I'd causing is a problem with my religion. Along with getting hit as a punishment my parents made it clear that it was god that made them do it not them. They supported what they were doing with the Bible which in turn has resulted me in hating religion and religious people. I swore off everything religious up until I recently met a mate who loves god. I want to be like my mate and love god however, everytime we step foot in a church i can't help but remember all the punishments I received as a child. When thinking about god all I can think about is getting beaten with a belt or spanked. I usually turn to self harming or get really depressed/sick after participating in anything religious related and I think my mate is noticing my depressed mood after reading the Bible or going to church.
The other thing that is being affected is intimacy. I don't really get aroused unless Im fantasizing about my mate hurting me. We've been together for a while and I have extreme difficulty being intimate with them Not to mention whenever they take of their belt (to take off their pants) I literally go cold (I start shaking, face turns red, lose train of thought etc.) and freeze. I think they've noticed but never mention it.
I just want to be normal and feel like most people handled this well as children and I'm the crazy one that couldn't cope. Can getting hit like that really be the cause of my earlier mentioned problems? If so at least I know so I can start healing and if not I might just consider a therapist at this point. Especially to figure out my confusing "body memories" and self harm triggers. Sorry if this was jumbled, it was really hard to write as it's hard for me to talk about my past. I've never shared it with anyone for fear of being mocked or shamed.
Intimacy with my mate, my relationship with a family member, and even religion is at stake. I'll start with the family member, this person makes me uncomfortable and is mentioned in my last post as well. I absolutely feel nothing but disgust for this person but I have no idea why. I thought it was because I was maybe sexually abused by them and couldn't remember but people in the last post mentioned that it could be the other dysfunction caused by them that makes me feel like I want nothing but to get away from them whenever I'm near them. I can't even look at them without feeling an intense amount of anger towards them, and just want to cut them out of my life entirely because my body seems to be telling me that they're dangerous. If you want to hear more about this person I would check out my other previous post.
Another problem that my childhood I'd causing is a problem with my religion. Along with getting hit as a punishment my parents made it clear that it was god that made them do it not them. They supported what they were doing with the Bible which in turn has resulted me in hating religion and religious people. I swore off everything religious up until I recently met a mate who loves god. I want to be like my mate and love god however, everytime we step foot in a church i can't help but remember all the punishments I received as a child. When thinking about god all I can think about is getting beaten with a belt or spanked. I usually turn to self harming or get really depressed/sick after participating in anything religious related and I think my mate is noticing my depressed mood after reading the Bible or going to church.
The other thing that is being affected is intimacy. I don't really get aroused unless Im fantasizing about my mate hurting me. We've been together for a while and I have extreme difficulty being intimate with them Not to mention whenever they take of their belt (to take off their pants) I literally go cold (I start shaking, face turns red, lose train of thought etc.) and freeze. I think they've noticed but never mention it.
I just want to be normal and feel like most people handled this well as children and I'm the crazy one that couldn't cope. Can getting hit like that really be the cause of my earlier mentioned problems? If so at least I know so I can start healing and if not I might just consider a therapist at this point. Especially to figure out my confusing "body memories" and self harm triggers. Sorry if this was jumbled, it was really hard to write as it's hard for me to talk about my past. I've never shared it with anyone for fear of being mocked or shamed.
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