ED Disordered eating

[ninja]

Thank you @Disco Dancing Queen

 

[ninja]

That was posted too early.
This thread is really helping me to see how important is it for my body to feel safe, and that helps take the pressure off of getting anywhere quickly.

 

[ms spock]

It is fascinating how habituated to super sized or over sized or double or triple portions that I am. I had once theoretically discussed with my psychiatrist about portion sizes, and I kind of intellectually understood it, but resisted it with my soul because of how entrenched my self love, care and nurturing was entertwined with having extra food. I really long to have extra food. Food has been one of my self regulating tools.

I had one serving, on a small plate, and it felt weird and like nowhere near enough, but that is just disordered thinking in my head/body. Fascinating stuff.

My goal is to lose the 20 kilos and be mid range BMI for my body weight and height over the next two years. If it takes longer than that, that is fine. I just need to keep an awareness surrounding my food intake, Self Compassion, and Self Care.

I skipped walking this morning in order to do work on the house, which is really important to do.

This thread is really helping me to see how important is it for my body to feel safe, and that helps take the pressure off of getting anywhere quickly.

And you need a lot of other skills in the bag to do this reordering of disordered eating @NinjaWolf. This is an intersection of several processes at once.

 

[ms spock]

It will be interesting to see if the tapering down of Endep assists in this re-regulating process, either way it doesn't really matter because I will stick at this as long as I need to for my optimum health.

I have a scracity mentality surrounding food. I am planning my next eating when eating the portion that I am eating, so I am not present and mindful of eating and then don't feel I have had enough to eat. Another thing that I do is if I am dissociated, depersonalised or derealised whilst eating I don't feel that I have enough for the meal. It is interesting how habituated to double or triple portions that I am. I had once theoretically discussed with my psychiatrist about portion sizes, and I kind of intellectually understood it, but resisted it with my deepest being because of how entrenched my self love, groundedness, nourishing, care and nurturing was entertwined with having extra food. At times I really long to have extra food. Food has been one of my self regulating tools.

I also use food to mark the passing of time as well. It is a way of managing a tough day.

My sense of groundedness in my body is being overfull with food, so that has been an interesting one to work out. Because my sense of groundness has been reinforcing my disordered eating patterns, so that is a good one to have awareness of for me.

I'm doing work along these lines as well. Will share more as I make notable progress.

I don't wait for progress anymore. I start talking about what my goals are, and the ups and downs of getting started. Notable progress is too much pressure for me and I slip into helplessness, hopelessness, dissociation, depersonalisation and derealisation. I just discuss my teeny tiny baby steps because that is the most difficult part, getting just a little bit started. So even a little bit started is great from my point of view.

So my personal sense of groundedness in my body is feeling uncomfortably full with food. So my sense of groundness has been compounding my disordered eating patterns. Longing for food was a displacement to the uncomfortable things that I was feeling, fearing, scared of or terrified of at the time.

 

[ms spock]

I ate some protein this morning, (leftover chicken and pasta from dinner last night) which is to assist my brain to manage the day. I made a plate up for my partner as well. I also had some bircher museli as well. I did not overeat during this meal.This is a significant moment for me today.

Documenting for Weight Watchers is really helping me get a reasonable sense of what a portion size is - this way I won't eat too much, and I won't eat too little.

 

[ms spock]

So I looked at myself in the long mirror, and I do look pregnant due to being morbidly obese/obese, so that is something I had not noticed previously as I have been so disconnected to my body. Wow I didn't know that. I was in some pretty severe denial.

 

[ninja]

I don't wait for progress anymore.

This rang a bell in my mind. Allowing my body to develop a sense of safety does not necessarily mean (consciously or unconsciously) halting progress towards a healthy goal. It can mean tiny incremental changes over as long a period of time as needed. I can use my common sense to recognize whether a goal is healthy and I can support my scared and fearful self along the way.

 

[ms spock]

It is giving yourself a space, though I am just learning what this means @NinjaWolf.

Even the slips and slides @NinjaWolf are important because overall you will build up to where you are trying to go, or learn important skills in the detours that put you back further along the path, but not quite where you thought you would be.

This is a marathon, not a sprint, and there are still more skills for me to acquire, but on the whole I think I can do this now, it won't be easy, but that is okay. I can work in a persistent and dedicated fashion. I have practise in doing this now.

 

[ms spock]

So I ate too much bircher museli yesterday, so when I ate dinner I had eaten way too much and my stomach hurt, but I was grounded enough to feel that. So I was at least in my body enough to feel that.

 

[ms spock]

So I ate what I thought was a really reduced and modest portion this morning of bircher museli, and it was a normal sized portion. This is a most educational experience.

 

[ms spock]

So until I could do Kristin Neff's (free) Self Compassion Breaks, and do the self soothing, and bust down my distorted cognitions by reading David Burns then I didn't have a chance with my disordered eating. There is no point to dieting when it just triggers off your massive deprivation and abandonment issues, and you end up binge eating! So now I have gained a lot of skills I have actually the ability to do this now. It has taken a long time to get to this point, and I am so glad to have finally arrived.

Being able to address the corrosive self doubt and the not being in my body thing were two pivotal points to reach.

 

[ms spock]

So I end up in the kitchen shoving a peach down my throat without thinking about it or even noticing what I am doing. So noticing the patterns that needing adjusting.