The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So, in a way, I'm in anniversary territory. Last year, I was carrying a dead baby around inside of me, now, and this January is when our last baby would have been due, right about now. I lost that one on my special son's birthday, in July. And the other one was finally expelled on Australia day weekend, 25-26 January.. Very not-fun occasions. The Jan lost baby I called Blossom, I know for sure that she was a girl. The last one I called Angel, I don't know what gender that baby was. It was just 3 months along, the other was four months along.

 

[mumstheword]

So stuck, so frozen today. Hating it. Hating myself for it. Depression. Shame. Hiding. Grief. Sadness. Zero motivation. Shame. Shame. Shame. Fear. Hopelessness. Helplessness. Over it. It will pass. Please let it pass. I want myself back.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm facing some misery. Did some kitchen work. I know now I've officially started grieving for our lost babies. I couldn't before. I was too worried about the son left at his Dad's and if he was going to be targeted and either end up psychotic like my second born or seriously suicidal like my 1 st and 4 born (both sons). He seems ok though.

So I think it's time I got my grievin' boots on. For Blossom and Angel. My wake -up call babies that helped facilitate my major, cannot be ignored nor "high function-flight moded" through, breakdown. My usual mode was to just push on through, ignore my zombie shattered sense of self and devote myself to others, but the miscarriages threw me on my arse.

No longer could I pretend or ignore, but I couldn't grieve them. I was still grieving for my born children. I was beside myself for them. Two sons nearly took their life this past year, my oldest daughter was cutting and in an abusive relationship of her own (she's out now) my second born had yet another psychotic episode and a serious depressive episode when his Dad tried to hoover him back out of his supported independence and then my fifth born (another son) was left vulnerable and I couldn't bare it. I've got regular contact with him now, despite his Dad's best efforts, so finally, I can relax and mourn my dead, unborn babies.

 

[mumstheword]

I just had a big sobbing, heart-wrenched, wailing cry for our babies. Our family that will never be.
It was a necessary happening. I am here alone so I felt like I could just let go.
I don't want to bring it up and burden my beloved with this. I already broke down in front of him yesterday when he was telling me a funny story about one of the twin toddlers next door.

I realized, pennies dropped about why I don't like going outside here too, there is more than narc neighbor and her reign of misery, drama, lies, dog tyranny and terror and bullying. The other thing is that just about all the other neighbors around here keep getting pregnant and having babies. 3 households of women, there's ex ice junkie (I do quite like her) with her bf who, not that long ago, tried to set her on fire, she's just had another baby to him (2nd one since we've been here). There's ice dealer's missus, he's wrecked that many yard lights (something to do with needing the bulbs for ice using?) another abusive dickhead, I've kinda lost count of how many little boys they've had since we've been here, maybe it's only two and another one on the way. And then there's next door with the twin toddlers, a boy and girl, dad's now out of jail but has had AVO's put on him. Those neighbors are just so grateful of my guy as they know he'll protect them from him, if need be. So yeah, it's not like I resent them having their own families, but geez, sometimes it really doesn't feel that great to think about what those kids have to deal with.

Damn, my guy got home and asked me, what's up? I had to tell him. He said "you've already grieved them." I said "no I haven't, I've been too worried about my other kids." He didn't say anything to that. I kind of feel shame for "wallowing" in my grief over our babies. Crap.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm good at putting on the "I'm ok" face so's not to burden others I care about with my suffering. I think I am anyway. I can jump into humour real fast with my guy. Love gives me strength and makes me considerate. It also makes me a brave communicator. Only when it feels safe though so does that still count as brave?

 

[ninja]

With respect, I do not see wallowing. I see someone who is doing some difficult feeling and who is advocating for herself to get the support and guidance she needs. Some grief may stick around for a long long while, I think. Sometimes I think it comes in spirals, as we grow and feel with increasing space, depth and nuance. Grieving two little lives is something difficult. Standing with you in solidarity. You are allowed to have your feelings, however they come and for however long. I do not see that they are preventing you from making decisions about how to keep you progressing and moving forward. I suppose different people have different relationships with feelings though. Someone in my life is very much on the boat of "it's in the past move on", but to me the past, present and future aren't super separate that way anyway. :hug::hug: Take really good care.

 

[mumstheword]

With respect, I do not see wallowing. I see someone who is doing some difficult feeling and who is ad...

Thank you kind NinjaWolf. It feels scary to grieve for children that are still alive and unborn foetus' that never got to be people.

I am a women suffering invisible losses. I don't get validation from society, there have been no funerals. Do I even have a right to my grief? I once told a gp that I wasn't depressed but I was grieving, it was when I was forced to leave my children to save myself and their Dad did his abusive "maternal alienation" thing on me. The doctor (female doctor, I'm pretty sure she's a mother too) looked at me, puzzled and said in a perplexed manner "grieving?" like, "really? What are you grieving for? nobody died."( She didn't actually say the nobody died bit but she could just as well have).
I missed out on years of my teenager's lives and had to live with knowing they were being raised by a psychopathic narcissist and that he had told them terrible lies to destroy my relationships with them. I am still grieving that, and recently I've managed to reconnect with them, but I'll never get those 7 years back and our bonds were severed in a very damaged way, they may never recover. I just don't know.

I'm having to hide and hide my grief.

So grieving my unborn babies has taken a back seat.

I feel it's kind of a victory just to tap into a "normal" level of grief for lossed unborn babies.

Maybe that means I'm finally coming out of the grief for my born children? But then I think about my actual children and nope, still grieving them.

One is now in Victoria and still not talking to me. It still hurts, a lot.

Shattered me it did, but I carried on, did lots of studying, trained as a mental health peer support worker, did the uni bridging course (I never finished high school, damn PTSD already) started my degree, have been raising my two youngest and began this relationship. Did a heap of volunteer peer work, had a job in a book shop for a while. Put on the brave, brave face. Geez I've had a lot of practise doing that. It's very exhausting after a while though.

Someone with this level of being abused for this long just can't feel safe to be this vulnerable very easily. Many here know exactly what I'm saying.

So grief has to happen in tiny increments, hidden and mostly alone with it. I have a great guy and he and I both hide our grief from each other, if we can. He for his daughter he hasn't seen for years, another disordered personality-ruined-parental-and-child- relationship (his ex). Damn this condition for perpetuating the narc abuse! Damn for being so vulnerable to those kinds of people! And for feeling so vulnerable to them and being prey to them and having babies with them! So much pain and then worry for the next generation! So much shame and intimidation! These people lie like you wouldn't believe! They set you up. They slander you to everyone you know. They make you want to hide in a hole with shame and terror and heartshattered grief and disbelief!

I'm so far from finished grieving over my born family and now I have to come to terms with the loss and will-never-be-ness of my unborns. And then there's little me and younger me. But what I am doing is lifting out of the shame and not-allowedness of my grief. I give myself permission. I'm ok with letting myself feel the way I do. I'm entitled to this. We get to feel the loss and give it its due because of love. I'm ok with that.

 

[mumstheword]

Tough day. I had a God-sent thought though. I think that's what it was, coz it made me feel good. It was "What if your greatest blessings lie buried in your toughest adversity(s)?, or some such sentiment
Like I need to treat my struggles and suffering as opportunities that could develop into my greatest gifts and wisdom/offerings/ treasures.
It's a comforting approach so I'm taking it. Otherwise I just feel so bereft.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

These people lie like you wouldn't believe! They set you up. They slander you to everyone you know. They make you want to hide in a hole with shame and terror and heartshattered grief and disbelief!

You just described my daughter my only and last remaining member of my children. I had lost a son to a motorcycle accident and only had the two kids. I lost my soul mate close to five years ago.

The grief sucks but your definition really popped out at me as the truth about what this is really. You owe it to yourselve to grieve as long as you need to because these kinds of losses is mega doses of harsh realities that you survived. That is a hell of a lot of pain and anguish.

I hope that you also do some healthy self care at the same time, I find that this is the one thing I am not very good at but it is the one thing that lifts my spirit. Hang in there, you are not alone except maybe it feels this way to you. Sending you hugs.

 

[ninja]

@mumstheword you most definitely have the right to find your way to individual health. You have a right to health! If that can happen through grieving then I believe yes, by all means, you have a right to your grief.

Sitting with you and sending kindness and support. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

You just described my daughter my only and last remaining member of my children. I had lost a son to a mot...

Thank you @Rain . Reading this again this morning brought my tears to the fore. You've had to deal with so much! (((((hugs)))))).
My self care's not that great at the moment, other than I'm drawing a lot and that gives me pleasure.
My pregnancy scare is over at least, a real relief. I'm just too damaged for bringing in new life, I've realized, and so is my guy. Missed the boat for the "happy" bio fam. Another dream has died.
It didn't ruin us though, those 3 excited, then devastating losses (I had an early one the previous year too).
Narc abuse is my undoing, worse than rapes, worse than assaults, my fav (non bio) parent dying, my friends suicides, brushes with death.

All of that could have been dealt with with loving support from family, but no, I'm suffocated by immature, pathologically selfish, spiteful and dishonest significant others, which is why the neighbor thing has me so totalled.

They floor you, they do all this terrible stuff and then accuse you of it, then tell everyone that it was you. You were the "psychopath" that "tortured" children. You were the "difficult child" the "guttersnipe" at 11, you were the "crazy", one (still am, apparently).

Allegedly, my guy is the "stand-over", the "assaulter" instead of the "assaultee".

They throw so much shit at you you end up stinking of it, and then people think it's yours, that you must be full of shit, the producer of such instead of being subject to having a mountain of it thrown at you. Now I feel like I'm buried under the biggest pile of it. And I can barely breath.

I'm checking my mail box everyday to see if the hospital has replied to my admin request. This time for me can't come soon enough.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

They will not be able to fool everyone forever. They cannot fool their families in the end and all of the other people they used to make you into the crazy one either. Hang onto that fact. I know it really sucks and I do understand the insidiousness of everything so appalling. Keep on fighting the good fight and stay on your path of being yourself and the path of your truth.

I was able to find a crack in the perfect false image of my daughter today and I finally have some real proof that someday i will be united once again with my olderst grandson at least. Celebrate your victories. It is a very painful and hard road to walk. Do not give up. Keep on speaking your truth. Hugs.