Supporter Girlfriend to veteran boyfriend with ptsd and about to deploy in desperate need of guidance

[Help me!!]

I was, yes.

I’m also a chick, which means I will be a helluva lot more blunt than most men will be. ....

That’s just it, I want to be there for him, I don’t want to leave him but I don’t know what he needs from me now. He tells me he’s terrified I’ll leave him but then leaves me. I have zero intention of leaving him but when he gets like this I don’t know if I should give him space and time to decompress and then try talking to him or if he needs me to be in contact and have reassurance that I’ll never leave. As for my timing being bad what do you mean by that? We have been together for a year now. I’m not trying to force him to get counseling. He said the other night that he was willing to try whatever it took so that he would not hurt me... because he doesn’t want to hurt me but the following morning decided to leave me. Tells me I’m the love of his life and that he needs me and wants to be committed to me forever. He says he does not know why he snaps. He says he snaps at good friends and did this to old girlfriends until they eventually left him. I am honestly very confused by his behavior because I know without a doubt he loves me and he tells me it hurts him to leave me but I don’t know what I can do differently on my end. I have again and again proven that I’ll show up for him and us and that I won’t leave him. I don’t know what he needs from me. At this point he now blows up about minor things. Things I say no matter how mild, like normal simple statements or discussions, he feels “on the edge” all the time right now. Is this all because he has too much on his plate with the upcoming deployment? Suggestions are welcome. I appreciate everyone’s input because I honestly love him so much and want to do whatever I can to be here for him but I feel lost. I feel in the dark and it’s painful to keep losing him and to have to constantly wonder if I’ll ever see or talk to him again. Are there things that have worked for others? He says he doesn’t know how to soothe himself to get out of a PTSD state when he is triggered. Are there signs I can be looking for to know he’s “on edge”?

^^^^^^^^ I couldn't have put it better @Friday!

I'll add this...


It's a true fe...

That’s just it, I’ve proven again and again I won’t leave him. I have zero intention of leaving him. I’ve been unwavering through all of this. Through all of this I continue to show up for him and us but I don’t know what it is he needs from me right now to feel okay. I kind of feel like I’m walking on eggshells at this point. At this point I don’t know if he needs me to keep proving I’ll be here for him and won’t leave him or if he needs me to leave him alone. He tells me he needs me and wants to spend his life with me but then leaves me because he’s afraid of hurting me. I don’t know what else I need to do to prove I’ll always be here for him and always love him. He told me he wants to marry me and have babies, tells me he wants us to be engaged before he leaves, told me he wanted me to live at his place while he’s deployed and that he wants us to get a place together as soon as he returns.... all of which I want very much. But then leaves me after he snaps from PTSD. So honestly.... what do I do??

 

[Justmehere]

Give him space. That’s what you do.

 

[Stephernovas]

There is no rule book for us to tell you how to get your relationship back. You know the relationship better than any of us would. There is no magic behaviour, no single phrase and suddenly he’s yours again. We can’t tell you what to do. We can only offer advice given our experiences with symptoms (and some from military backgrounds) but at the end of the day each situation is different. What do you do? That’s something you have to decide to do on your own.

 

[EveHarrington]

I know you keep saying it’s 99% good...

I can’t even begin to say how many guys have said the same to me.....but it’s that 1% PTSD that kills it every time.

Guys who will say I’m the best relationship they’ve ever been in.

And f*ck, I’m in treatment, and have been for years.

Just bringing home the point that this shit is HARD, and treatment is no guarantee that relationship issues will get better.

 

[Help!!]

I know you keep saying it’s 99% good...

I can’t even begin to say how many guys have said th...

I appreciate your honesty. I’ve had to learn the hard way... it’s not easy. It’s even more difficult when people are too prideful or stubborn to want to get help and try to get better.

 

[Sighs]

Please please read and re-read and then read again what @Friday and @Freida wrote. Then read it again. Until you can quote it in your sleep. There is a big difference between negativity and reality. You've been given gold by two veterans and your response is "if you're not going to feed me unicorn shit keep your comments to yourself"???? :banghead:

Tell him that you love him and you understand he needs space and if he wants to talk you're there for him. And then Leave. Him. The. f*ck. Alone.

You can spend his deployment finding out about combat PTSD and whether you really want / can handle a life as a military spouse and a PTSD supporter.

And after he gets back maybe you'll talk. Maybe not. Either way you will have a new respect not only for our military but for those who support them.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Sighs]

@Stephernovas - my man was diagnosed with PTSD by the Army and then re-deployed. He had been assessed as "only" 20% impaired and deemed able to keep doing his job.

It was later in his career that they upgraded him to 100% impaired and medically retired him.

No different to his broken ankle, damaged spine, damaged shoulders, damaged elbows, facial injuries and tinnitus. If you can still do a parachute drop, immediately followed by an 80 km forced march with a 60 kg pack and then complete a precision shooting test you're good to go. He did it mostly by sheer willpower. Sadly, no amount of willpower is a match for PTSD.

 

[Help me!!]

Please please read and re-read and then read again what @Friday and @Freid...

I appreciate all of the input I honestly do. I didn’t like someone making the assumption that our relationship is broken. However, after everyone’s insight on military and how heavily PTSD comes into play I suppose it is broken. I guess it’s somerhing I didn’t want to admit to myself because he and I are great together until PTSD comes into play. I want our relationship not to be broken but I guess I have no control over that. I have for months now been reading article after article about PTSD in Vets and ways to be a better support system for him. I think until you get first hand accounts from someone about what it’s really like for the sufferer, it’s difficult for someone on the outside looking in to understand what they are feeling and truly going through. Although at this point after all the articles I’ve read and all the research I’ve done I sometimes wonder if I understand PTSD better than he does which also makes it hard. I will not begin to claim that I understand how he feels (as I’m clearly still in the dark on this) I only mean that I’ve learned a lot about triggers, how this is cyclical, how the brain functions during a trigger etc. It’s like he has no idea what triggers him or why and sometimes I think he doesn’t want to know more because he’s afraid of what he will find. I think him feeling so out of control is really difficult on him especially since he is military, is extremely organized, very successful in all other parts of his life and is very regimented. It’s like PTSD is this uncontrollable monster inside him and I know he sees himself in a negative light because of it which hurts to watch. He tells me again and again he’s not good enough for me (because of his PTSD) which also hurts me. He’s a good, strong, intelligent, driven and kind hearted man but he doesn’t see all that he just sees the PTSD monster inside. I fully appreciate and honor the sacrifices he has made being in the military and being deployed again and again. And I appreciate all other military as well. I have many friends and some family that have served. I think what makes this most difficult is knowing that most military personnel (rightfully and understandably so) do not like to talk about deployment or military life at all. So I’m left kind of breadcrumbing and piecing together what he tells me to better understand how he feels and what he goes through. Which is why I really do appreciate all the input.... even if some of it is a hard pill to swallow. Makes me feel sad to see him struggling. I appreciate that I’m the one person he has let in and talked to about what is happening. I also appreciate that he told me so much about his past the other night (before ending the relationship the next day). I know it’s difficult for him to discuss. I hope that he will continue to let me be here for him and let me back into his life when he is ready. It seems as if normal everyday relationship conversations aren’t always an option when PTSD is at play. I guess my real hope in all this discussion is that I’ll have a better understanding (from all of you) of what he’s feeling and thinking when he’s triggered. He says he loves me and needs me and that I always make him feel good but when he’s triggered I feel helpless and because I don’t understand how he is feeling it makes it hard to know what is the best and most supportive thing to do for him at the time. From what I’ve been hearing though it sounds like the best and only thing I can really do is just leave him alone. Thanks all, for your continued support & input. You have no idea how much it means. I’ve tried talking to a few friends and family but none of them understands PTSD so their idea of fixing it is run the other way and don’t look back. When you truly love and care about someone running the other way isn’t an option. At least not for me.

 

[Help me!!]

@Stephernovas - my man was diagnosed with PTSD by the Army and then re-deployed. He ha...

I agree with you. It’s seems no amount of willpower is a match for PTSD. And when your man is so used to being great at everything they do, being honorable, being strong etc PTSD seems to break them in a way nothing else could. It’s like they no longer see all their genuine, kindhearted, brave and good qualities. All they see is PTSD.

 

[Freida]

think him feeling so out of control is really difficult on him especially since he is military, is extremely organized, very successful in all other parts of his life and is very regimented. It’s like PTSD is this uncontrollable monster inside him and I know he sees himself in a negative light because of it which hurts to watch.

Annnnndd you get it! people think ptsd means hiding under tables. But it really means hiding from the monster inside you who wants to destroy your life

 

[Mbeds34]

me going back the second time was the biggest mistake of my life. my brain wasnt ready for another one and thought it would all blow over. please talk to him and tell him to talk to someone first.

the day they said we were going back is when my ptsd got real bad just thinking about having to do all that again and i went numb and have been dragging my body ever since that exact moment. dont let him make same mistake.

 

[Help me!!]

me going back the second time was the biggest mistake of my life. my brain wasnt ready for another one...

I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. I hope that you’re able to get some help that will make you feel alive again and at peace. I appreciate you being so honest. Side note- I’ve heard really great things about Equine Therapy for Combat Vets with PTSD. Supposed to be one of the only truly healing forms of therapy according to some counselors I recently spoke with. May be worth looking into. Past that, honestly reading your message made me cry. I was talking to someone today who works with my boyfriend / ex (sadly I don’t know what to call him anymore) and we were saying how concerned we were that he’s deploying again. I’m afraid he’s going to come back so broken that there won’t be any amount of help in the world that will fix him. I was saying to his coworker that I’m surprised the military is clearing him to deploy again. I don’t understand how they don’t see that he’s not okay. Granted, he’s gotten pretty good at pretending for others that he is okay. For the most part I’m the only person he has allowed to see this other side of him but the closer he gets to deployment the more often he is being triggered.... and people around him are starting to notice that he’s beginning to crumble. I don’t know what to do anymore to help him. I’m literally the only person he will talk to about his PTSD to everyone else he pretends like he’s so happy and everything is fine. When he cuts me out of his life (like he is again now) I’m pretty limited with ways in which I can support him. His coworker told me his commanders haven’t been notified of his behavior so it looks like he will deploy. I was told by his coworker that one of his close friends (also military who is no longer active due to being injured in an explosion and having PTSD) is tempted to do an intervention and make him get help. Said friend has been through lots of counseling himself to deal with his own PTSD. I hope he does. I feel so alone in all this. I don’t know how I’d be able to prevent him from deploying again..... I don’t know how all this works as far as military goes. This will be his third deployment. Any further thoughts or advice you have I’m always open to listen. Thank you