Realizing how much distorted i am in my thinking and communication

[Deleted member 12723]

I have been realizing today that my thinking process is very screwed up. The communication I was taught growing up was so very dysfunctional with all kinds of distortions in my parents comminication styles.

I was always being either talked down to or criticized or shamed and humilated and not allow to show any expression on my face and to this day I must have some wild expressions on my face. that, I do not know why some people laugh at me, about this sometimes although it has not happened to me in many years.

I was not allowed to feel the full range of normal emotions either. I was rarely invited to talk to either of my parents. My fathers motto was children should be seen and not heard so somehow while I was growing up I survived be the cognitive distortions I developed.

There were some rare occasions in some social settings with relatives that the adults all talked to each other and I was allowed to show any kind of enjoyment. There were moments of freedom when I was allowed to stay with my grandmother but I was alone alot because she worked all of the time but she would take me to the pool where I could swim and play and be a kid and she took me to buy clothes etc. She never took me anywhere so I do not know how I would have done doing something like that.

The feelings that my parents modeled to me were anger and rage, with abuse. The silent cold withdrawal of the silent treatment, which drives me up the wall....and contempt mostly from my mother, she disliked me very much and there was no love at all from either of them.

I am realizing today how much this has impacted my own communication style. I think that this is why I can express myself better in writing than speaking. I have had more practice writing over the years. My husband of thirty six years was not a talker and I have rarely had a close friend to talk except for occasions.

When I first got married I would get very sick if we were celebrating a holiday with family, or going on vacation and I would be stuck in my head filled with and sick with fear.

Have you thought about this before? Have you tried something to help produce healthier kinds of ways to communicate?

When I was small I used to love to talk and in the first grade I used to get in trouble for talking in class because I loved to speak so much there.

Does this turn a light on for anyone? I am really interested in comparing notes in order to get new information that I do not have presently. I am interested in what you may have learned about this topic.

I am aware that the cognition distortions are here some where, on the forum but before I do a search. I am looking for ideas as well as what kinds of things to look for, Thanks.

 

[Saywhat]

I have been realizing today that my thinking process is very screwed up. The communication I was taught gr...

I'm not sure what you are asking, but reading your post reminds me that when I was in my 30s and 40s I felt that the real me was waiting to be discovered, or re-discovered. Now, in my early 60s, I feel as though I've shed many, many of the behaviors (or rather, shed the underlying beliefs and thinking patterns that led to behaviors) and now am much, much more living more from who I am as a person.

As for healthier ways of communication, I have learned that not everything thing that runs through my head needs to be spoken. That silence can be a very positive, healthy response. That it's better to appreciate other people and their journeys than it is to try to direct them on their journeys. That my intrinsic value as a human being does not depend on how others treat me. That delivering clever retorts doesn't make me superior. That I am responsible for communicating clearly and with full regard for another's humanity. That if people consistently respond as though I have been abrasive or offensive, then I am fully responsible for checking my role in that. Is this the what you're asking?

 

[Sideways]

Just...yes. In so many ways? Yes. Totally get it. That’s me!

I find I’m better in writing because of a few reasons- mainly, it’s a slower process. I tend to realise that the words are being heavily impacted by cognitive distortions, but also emotions, more quickly if I write something out. Simply because it’s a slower process, and I see my wordss unfolding in front of me and I have more time to have the lightbulb go off and let me know like, “Ragdoll, there’s a whole lotta anger influencing the words right now, take a breath”. I don’t get enough time to always realise when I’m just in the flow of conversation.

Writing also means that I can come back to it, in a clearer headspace. Writing things out fresh I can freestyle and be as cognitively distorted as I like. Then I come back with my therapy hat on, and the list of “10 Cognitive Distortions” sitting beside me, and it’s a lot clearer where I’m losing the plot. The bulk of the emotions and distortions and core beliefs comes out the first time, and then I can come back and fix er up. Can’t do that with speaking - words that come out of my mouth are free-floating missiles that I no longer have control over.

So journalling has become really critical for me. Even just writing stuff down on the back of a piece of paper to get it out of my system. And doing that, I think, is slowly (slooooowly) helping me communicate better generally.

Writing is like my practice. It’s not that I’ve abandoned speaking and just switched to writing everything down, but I’m getting more confident about what I say out loud having had loads of practice in writing. Writing? Is really safe. Saying something wrong to the wrong person at the wrong time? Less safe!

I think it shows in a lot of contexts, too. Practicing here, for example, has made me more confident to do things like: in group, someone says something personal and painful? I’m far more likely to pop in a short, validating comment like, “Thank you for saying that”, because I know, from this forum, that short validating statements like that are often really really appreciated. I didn’t realise just how important that can be till I got involved in this forum, by writing statements just like that, and witnessing how humans respond.

If you’re comfortable writing? See that as practice, as your launching pad for getting better and better at communicating in other forms, like when you’re speaking to someone face to face. You’ve nailed communication via posting on this site - you’re great at it. It’s a strength, and a tool you can use to practice.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have absolutely no filter from brain to mouth. None. I’m sure that most people on this forum know this. It’s gotton me into more trouble throughout my life than I could write about. I write better than I speak so that may be a clue to how brash I can be in person. It isn’t pretty!!!!! LOL!!!!! But, it’s me!

@Rain I find you empathetic, loquacious, serious, funny, very articulate in your writings. How you are in person I have no clue, but I absolutely love your writing style.

I have way to many other things in my life that need addressing, before I even try to tackle how I speak. Most of the people that know me are really ok with it, they tell me that if they need an honest answer, to just ask Wendy!!!! Sometimes they don’t like the answer though!!! LOL!!!!!

We are who we are and there are way too many things that we must overcome, I’m just not sure that our speaking is or should be top of the list or even on the list. JMO!!!!

 

[Muted]

One of the things I am working on with my kids is eye contact when they speak. I also try not to multitask and do other things so they have my attention, but sometimes that’s hard.

 

[shimmerz]

The silent cold withdrawal of the silent treatment, which drives me up the wall....and contempt mostly from my mother, she disliked me very much and there was no love at all from either of them.

Yeah, I can literally feel this statement through all of my cells. Nothing worse than having someone who clearly had contempt for me yet called it 'love' all the time. Took me decades to figure out why I kept getting into relationships with people who obviously had contempt for me as well. *heavy sigh*

On Tuesday I facilitate a group that reteaches women the core and basic skills. I have learned this mainly in the past decade from my shaman, who is the creator of these courses. Today is the first day of the Effective Communication part of the series of 4 core courses. Managing Conflict, Effective Communication, Self Empowerment, Healthy Boundaries. I can't tell you how life changing these courses are for the women who are involved. We push through 200 women in 1 cycle and there are waiting lists all the time. Watching how the women grow from week 1 to week 10 is something I can't describe in words. These courses are offered for free as the agency is non profit.

I am wondering if there is a non profit in your area that might offer these courses as well Rain? Just a thought....

 

[Victory]

I have been realizing today that my thinking process is very screwed up. The communication I was taught gr...

Yup, me three! I'm in my 60s and love to write, but lately, as I'm finally getting my feet under me (I credit the Stellate Ganglion Block), I can't shut up. Well, that's a little bit of an exaggeration because any time I'm near members of my family, the people who criticized, poked fun of, and shamed me in private and in public, I can clam up in a moment's notice and stay that way. Prey animals know that in order to stay safe, even alive, they must not make a sound...

 

[Mach123]

Yes I'm just getting in touch with this and it's shocking the degree of unreality. My thoughts/feelings/programs tell me things are this or that. Or someone says something and I go off as though this or that was meant. It just wasn't. That was from me not the other person. That's why I'm not doing now or doing things some other way. Doing nothing is actually fine because all that representation of unreality leads me back to self destructive behavior. I don't have to cut myself. I do fine on my own getting everyone else to get rid of me. I'm better though but in getting better I keep seeing more and more of it and hopefully stop some of it. I yelled at my wife in the car the other day. Afterwards I saw that I was not yelling about what she thought or how she felt I was yelling at how I thought she felt. I was wrong. It is not important though she may have been a little negative in what she said but 2 negatives don't make a positive and I was yelling at me, not her. I was just projecting my feelings onto what she had said. (it's not really much yelling lol I don't want to trigger anyone, she yells back when she has to don't worry) I never knew how other people thought or felt because i did their thinking and feeling for them. It never came out well for me sadly. Every day now I get up and try and let go of some more of the negativity. I mean, what would life look like if I reversed all that? What if I thought everything was good and everyone thought well of me? Those are not my internal programs though. Therapy today, I'm working on it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Prey animals know that in order to stay safe, even alive, they must not make a sound...

This makes so much sense to me and I know I did this with my parents and everyone all of the time. I am ultra sensitive to cues on the emotional level and do not deal with conflict well, because of my fear of anger but there has been so much improvement for me that in this area I do better with friends not family members because of the unwritten, unspoken, dysfunctional rules that are in use by both of us. Thank you so much for sharing this one because it really turned a light on for me and I really appreciate getting this information so much.

someone says something and I go off as though this or that was meant. It just wasn't. That was from me not the other person.

Me too. Often, more times with family members only,. as they know how to push my buttons as well .. I find myself misreading the whole thing. I often discover that I am wrong. Although my style of mind reading saved my life as a kid growing up in that home, it now works heavily against me.

I yelled at my wife in the car the other day. Afterwards I saw that I was not yelling about what she thought or how she felt I was yelling at how I thought she felt. I was wrong

I think this distorted cognition is called mind reading and I am so guilty of practicing this one I keep on working on catching myself so I do not do it but I understand more to look back at the teachers who had me doing this as a child in order to make some sense of the insanity and things not making any sense and not having a good foundation or role models to teach me healty comminication skills either.

i did their thinking and feeling for them.

I think it was so dangerous for me in that home, that my survival depended upon knowing what they were thinking or feeling to please them on the feelings levels. You know how what people say does not match up with how they are really feeling in dysfunctional homes?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

oday is the first day of the Effective Communication part of the series of 4 core courses. Managing Conflict, Effective Communication, Self Empowerment, Healthy Boundaries.

I will ask my doctor about if there are any classes about this that are offered. Thank you so much.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have way to many other things in my life that need addressing, before I even try to tackle how I speak.

I am a person that when something within surfaces, I realize things and know intuitively that this is the thing I can deal with now until I learn some things and practice the new things until something else surfaces and then I move onto that and this is how I work on my various issues.

I’m just not sure that our speaking is or should be top of the list or even on the list. JMO!!!!

I like you fine the way you are. I find you refreshing and a breath of fresh air. I think you are a very caring person and can see things pretty clearly so I do not think that you have this kind of issue at all.

I also try not to multitask and do other things so they have my attention, but sometimes that’s hard.

I will try to remember this one so I do not get so mired down.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I think the era in which we grew up the motto was, "children should be seen and not heard". I would also be hit out of nowhere. For nothing I did. I learned to be silent. It took everything I had to tell Mother David whatever I told her, and she said that didn't happen in nice families. So basically, shut up. All the nuns liked me because I was a quiet, polite child, and gave my parents lots of credit. Now I'm crying. I need to work on this. From the time I was 4, I was told by my father that he wasn't my father. His whole side of the family looked down on me. When I was 17, I asked my mom, and she got so angry and venomous, asking me how I could believe she could cheat on my father, blah, blah, blah. I never thought past the fact he wasn't my father. It wasn't about her, it was about me and who I was. So honest, clear communication was not encouraged.

This kind of crippled me as far as communication went. I was afraid to talk to people. I didn't think anything I had to say was worthwhile. I took a communication class at college, and an assertiveness training class too. I would wait until something bothered me so much I would lash out. I learned how to be assertive, without being aggressive. Therapy helped me to set boundaries. I am far from good at this, but life brings up a lot of situations where I can practice.

I am a person that when something within surfaces, I realize things and know intuitively that this is the thing I can deal with now

This is how I work on things too. It keeps me from being retraumatized by working on stuff I'm not ready for.