Advice for relationship problem

[sleepingwolf]

I'm looking for any advice, viewpoints, similar experiences, on the following problem that my partner and I have at the moment. As a background, I have CPTSD and Disassociation, with my partner suffering from mild to acute anxiety.

So, the problem is around intimacy and getting close. We can chat fine, get along well, but we've realised there is a creeping intimacy issue, and has been for a few years. From what I see we have the following problems:

- Number One: We've moved around a lot because of her job (7 places in 7 years), and now are finally sticking to one place and trying to build a life. I don't have a 'home' as such, apart from where I am now, and I have no 'base' of friends to return to either, nor a collection of strong friends (due to moving so much). She has a family home, old friends, work friends she's kept, and so we are in quite different situations. I've realised that I've lost trust in us staying in one place. She can complain about our current home and town, and hark back to other places, her 'home', other times and friends. I realise this triggers me into fear and I just retreat away, losing all intimacy with her. I'm not sure how to resolve the problem.

- Number two: I've realised that I get triggered a lot, and quite intensely, if a mood in the environment quickly changes. This is happening quite a lot at home, and I've just realised the problem. As an example; last night we were getting ready to wash up and go to bed, and someone had to take out a bit of rubbish outside into the cold and wet. Things had been nice until this point, and a bit of intimacy was there between us. We joked about who should take it out and played a 'rock, paper, scissors' to see who would do it. I lost and took it out, making a few grumbles about it being cold and such. I then go up to bed (having done all my chores) and was about to make the bedroom nice to carry on a nice vibe. My partner comes upstairs and is really mad, saying I had 'abandoned her down there', that she was pissed off at me, and she was giving me angry looks. Boom! I was quite badly triggered and just sat in the bedroom by myself for 10 mins.
There seems to be a reoccurring theme with us that we make things nice, we get ready to go to bed, she has quite a drastic mood swing/ is rude/ starts shouting, I get triggered and retreat away, and the damage is never looked at or even realised.
I've taken to trying to do my chores later, to basically avoid her at that time, and go to bed later. But she will then get frightened, or pester me, or be annoyed with me.
I can also see that the more relaxed and intimate I am, the more I let me guard down, the more badly the trigger if any different mood comes in.
I'm at the stage now where I've realised I don't trust the moods we create any more. Even if we do make a relaxed time, I find it very hard to trust in it.

Any help would be much appreciated!

Thanks!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

She can complain about our current home and town, and hark back to other places, her 'home', other times and friends. I realise this triggers me into fear and I just retreat away, losing all intimacy with her. I'm not sure how to resolve the problem.

She has a history with an old life it seems. Do you know what the trigger is about this that causes you to retreat away from her?

've realised that I get triggered a lot, and quite intensely, if a mood in the environment quickly changes. This is happening quite a lot at home, and I've just realised the problem.

I do too. Any kind of hard change that occurs throws me off balance and I become defensive and self protective. I believe it is our need to protect our vulnerable selves that causes us to defend ourselves which comes off as being defensive giving us the opposite of what we are feeling. Does this ring true for you? If not please ignore.

I was quite badly triggered and just sat in the bedroom by myself for 10 mins.

I would have felt attacked unfairly and out of the blue and I would need some time to come down off of being caught off guard.

I get triggered and retreat away, and the damage is never looked at or even realised.

So are you saying these kinds of issues are never addresses or resolved?

to basically avoid her at that time, and go to bed later. But she will then get frightened, or pester me, or be annoyed with me.

My husband was very insecure and always wanted me to go to bed at the same time which was so early that I could not go to sleep. I have a tendancy to stay up later anyway to have some me time too.

Do you think that she is also insecure?

I let me guard down, the more badly the trigger if any different mood comes in.

I think that this is very understandable. She sounds like she could benefit from some medication to stabalize her. If not applicable please ignore this also.

Any help would be much appreciated!

I hope that you will express these kinds of feelings and thoughts more in a journal or with a safe person if you have that or start a trauma diary here to just vent if you need to so you can get all of that pent up stuff out in black and white where you can begin to see it and gain some clarity and understanding of yourself.

 

[EveHarrington]

WTF?

She beats you at Rock Paper Scissors.....and then blames you for losing the game.

This tells me that a good portion of the problem is in her.

You can fix everything in yourself and the relationship will still have major problems.

Is she in individual therapy? On meds?

 

[sleepingwolf]

Thanks for the replies guys.

Rain:
I agree with what you've said and the advice you've given. It's nice to get some reassurance on it all.
I'm not sure why her history triggers me. A fear of losing what I've got? Well, I have to say, my previous ex-partner complained for quite some time about where we lived, and then she cheated on me with my then-best-friend, evicted us, and I had to lose everything that I couldn't fit into a rucksack. It sucked. But can you get new trauma? I mean, could that create a new trigger or flashback? I've always just assumed they would only come from my childhood?
I agree that I'm trying to protect that vulnerable side of myself. It can be quite tricky to give it some space. Once I feel a little more relaxed I feel like I want to shout 'ok, now everyone be nice and calm until I decide to bring my shields back up!'. :O_o:
I think she is insecure and has anxiety and fear over things I don't really understand. I've started to notice she always wants to do things together, which is nice sometimes but also quite restrictive.

EveHarrington:
Thanks for your support. Yes, she is in therapy, for a few months now. She's not on any medication as yet, and we don't really talk about her mental health much. Well, we talk about her feelings or what's on her mind, but not about her improving, getting better and dealing with stuff.

I know she has pent up/built up anger, and her therapist has been encouraging her to let it out or share it, but I'm now often on the receiving end. She can get to shouting and tears very quickly at the moment. She does apologise afterwards and is nice to me a lot of the time. But we don't as yet talk about her behaviour. I guess we need to set boundaries.

Thanks all. :hug::)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

can you get new trauma?

I know that relationship issues involving a bad break up hurt intensely but they can not create a new trauma as far as i know. I wish you well and good luck.

 

[EveHarrington]

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Do not tolerate bad behavior. Its one thing to be anxious and be exhibiting anxious behavior. Its another thing to be anxious and treating other people like crap.