General What are they thinking?

[Sweetpea76]

Only 8 days left in January, you're almost there. Hang in there @Freida!

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I’m thinking you’re better off if I’m numb, I can function when I’m numb. I can do the things that help keep our relationship balanced. When I feel, I’m lost and you can’t find me even though I’m right beside you. If I feel these emotions I’m so trapped in them I want a way out, any way out, they aren’t just emotions it’s images, things said, done, not done, judgements, smells, sounds. I can’t hear you when you ask me what’s wrong, I can’t see you. I don’t want to do this to you, I can’t stand saying I can’t handle things and I don’t want you around. You don’t deserve this.

When I want it to stop, and I think about how much relief it would be to put an end to it, that would set you free to live your life without this too.....I know I’m in deep. But I can’t ask you to pull me out.

I need to be alone because I don’t know how to do this yet. I don’t know how to be strong and ask for your help. I’m a coward when I want to be alone, but I can’t let you see me hurt, I can’t process all of this with you there. I don’t understand what it means so I can’t explain it to you, what little I do understand doesn’t make sense to try to explain to you in a sentence. And I’m afraid of your judgement and pity for my ineptitude.

 

[Freida]

That's exactly it @Warrior Chicken! They can't get that whole numb thing and how much better it is. I was deep in that last week and now I'm coming into the feels because of this stupid eval I have to do and I know I take it out on the people around me. So it's better to be numb

And even tho they say they won't judge how can we be sure? If they find out the real stories in our nightmare what would they think? How would they cope? My guess is that we would end up taking care of them because they would be overwhelmed.

But i also get their truth when they say they dont want to lose us and as long as we eventally come back they are ok with our hiding. I dont get it but ive heard it enough on the site to accept its true

 

[Warrior Chicken]

They’re human, we are too. We hurt, we do things that hurt them, unacceptable.
They deserve better.
Why can’t I allow myself to hurt? Because when I do, it’s emotion, I’m distracted, bad things happen.
Why is it unacceptable to hurt others? Because people got hurt/killed because I couldn’t help them. I can’t let that happen again.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I would like to thank you @Warrior Chicken and @Freida! The words and stories you shared has shed a lot of light on how a sufferer handles numbing. I have very little contact with my ex (sufferer) and I believe he’s slowly coming around.
He still isn’t responding to texts, emails or calls, but he will thank me for certain kind acts. He never rejects my efforts, so that keeps me hopeful. Keep in mind, I’m not trying to get him back into a relationship; I’m just trying to support a dear friend at this time. I’ve never gone through a numbing experience with him before, so this is something I’m trying to adjust to.

 

[Hojay]

I’m just trying to support a dear friend at this time.

Does he want/need support? Just asking because it can have the opposite effect on my SO when he's unresponsive but I don't leave him alone. By opposite effect I mean, he loses trust in me being a safe person that can respect his boundaries. It was a huge problem in the beginning of our relationship. Just want to throw that in the PTSD mix.

 

[Freida]

ecause people got hurt/killed because I couldn’t help them. I can’t let that happen aga

And that my friend is our challenge. We get into a mindset that we are dangerous to them. If we turn our backs or let down our guard they will get injured. Or worse ..we feel fear and they die.

It's hard trying to accept that they aren't stupid. That they are here by choice. That they are willing to take the risk of being in our orbit....even if it brings them pain. I don't get it. How can they want to live like that? It makes zero sense. And I have to keep reminding myself that they see us for who we are and in their addled little minds we are worth the cost

I've learned so much from being on this site and reading their posts. They are so not us. It's like they are our polar opposite. They are willing to feel what we can't and to try to be the bridge. And no!!!!!
It doesn't make sense. But if you read them they are happier with us than without. Bunch of whack jobs if you ask me

But they are our whack jobs and it's up to us to protect them. And that's what is so f###cking insane. How????
It's not by running away. It's by fighting to show them we care.

Counseling is our new weapon. Changing how we do things is the battle strategy.

Like taking off. I've finally gotten that. They don't care that we take off. They are protected when we say where we think we are going and when we might be back

Its shifting where the battle is fought and with who. The want to be our battle buddy...silly as that sounds. But. We are fighting the battle on their space of earth, with their rules. Adapt and overcome

Being Brave has a new meaning. And it sucks.

 

[Hojay]

I don't get it. How can they want to live like that? It makes zero sense. And I have to keep reminding myself that they see us for who we are and in their addled little minds we are worth the cost

This made me chuckle, in a good way. Last part is true, cause he (in my case) is worth the cost. But honestly, what's even more true? I can live likes this because I have my own life to live, goals to reach, dreams to fulfill, moments to cherish, sadness to tend to, and growth to master. My guy is important, but really, my life doesn't revolve around him and his problems. BUT, that's only the case when he communicates, freely and as best as he can. It's when he doesn't, and it's up to me to do the eggshell walking and tea leaf reading without even knowing wtf is going on and why, that's when "living like this" becomes untenable and I most often ask myself why I'm actually doing this. Just my two humble cents.

 

[Snowflakes]

And that my friend is our challenge. We get into a mindset that we are dangerous to them. If we turn ou...

Your post really helped me today. Thank you @Freida :hug:

 

[Buttercup]

How????
It's not by running away. It's by fighting to show them we care.

Ding ding ding!!! Exactly!!

 

[Louski]

@Warrior Chicken it makes perfect sense to me -- basically you wrote out everything I...

This is very helpful @Freida as it gives me a little insight into what my fiancé feels when he is trying to work through an episode. Thank you from
The bottom of my heart for your frankness, openness and honesty and for sharing with us supporters. I cannot tell you how much it means.

 

[Louski]

@Freida It’s helpful for me to hear what you just wrote because it’s where my...

Beautifully put @Snowflakes and all so true. Thank you