The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Thank you so much for saying this to me tonight. I will never cease to be amazed at your kindness and thou...

You are very welcome :-). I could say the same about yourself.

 

[mumstheword]

Feeling shame, insecurity about my worth. Brought up by my feelings here, on the forum at the moment. Feeling inadequate, lame, forever unpopular. It's cognitive distortion but it's definitely a thing.
My societal unworthy, is what I'm feeling. A deep-seated sense of utter inadequacy, failure, futility and, I guess, despair. Ugh!

I'm going to start a thread counting down my days til admittance in the treatment and therapy forum soon. The countdown is underway. My kids went back to school today, school holidays are over. It's the 30th of January. I go in on the 11th. 12 days to go.

 

[NatBird]

((((mumstheworld))))

I'm with you.

I am valuing and appreciating you and only have a sense from the impressions you leave in the print and weave of your chants and incantations.

I'm not dismissing how you feel.

Just saying there is someone many miles away (and many others) who value your presence, your wit, wisdom, creativity and life force expression.

Has something particular activated this?
Is it connected to a particular part of period? If so, what might the being need?

Apologies if that comes across as co dependent on fixie! Am working on this!

I'm sending an apprecilove hug

 

[mumstheword]

((((mumstheworld))))

I'm with you.

I am valuing and appreciating you and only have a sense from the i...

(((((((Natbird)))) thank you. I value you and your beauteous spirit through-your-words so much.
I guess it's just a layer that I'm down to. Drilling down to some core issues. There's a lot of grief there.
So much of societal values I don't really seem to be able to comfortably embrace. I feel ailienated by my sense of self. I need to take this identity stuff into therapy. So much self disgust, layers of fear and futility, just the usual stuff per this condition I guess. I'm still highly avoidant of lots of people I've known. I guess I'm still grieving loss of self and need more healing time.

The weight issue and sense of heavy, ungainly and overpadding is weighing me down (punny aren't I?). I feel too small and uncomfortably large at the same time. Not comfortable at all.
I'm sitting in my fav cafe, sipping ginger and lemon kombucha.

Sitting in a corner wanting to cry but keeping it together. I have NIA later on, I'm waiting around for class, rather than go all the way home, I live in the next town over. It's a windy, scenic trip past moo cows and rolling hills and fields to my lil wild village home.
I'm going to draw while I wait.

I've had a lovely day filled with lovely encounters.
But ...
I'm grieving my self that was less affected by this condition of the past few years. The past few years have been really tough, on top of all that came before them. Despite a really lovely love affair that I'm still having.

Suicidal and psychotic children, miscarriages, narc neighbors, pet deaths, abusive ex's and this damn condition that lets you know you are so vulnerable, so affected, so not as strong as you've always tried to be.

I want my dancing body back. My joyous uninhibited freedom-loving moving, agile and lighter frame. I miss it so much. I want my performance artist life back. I am grieving damage done that caught up with me and wrestled me to the ground, beat me up, left me lying in a puddle of blood and stole my life force. That exactly what my last miscarriage (s), two suicidal and one psychotic sons, abusive, screaming, lying pet-killing neighbor of 4 years, last six months of exacerbated symptoms like -never-before has impressed upon me.

The other,a sense of alienation is a whole life time tacit sense of myself that I do break through and overcome, at times before it comes rearing her witchy, weird, nerdy, odd-one-out, lonely hurt child crazy head at me. Demanding I not forget that I'm not an acceptable type of human. Exploitable, hurtable but not acceptable. She's mean this one, savage to me, ravaging my social self and ability to show myself or give of my originality and heart, I know she's a lie but her ruinous, heinous, hurtful presence is riding me, dividing me, crueling me, gruelling and grating, eroding and depreciating me. I'm cut down by her assessment of my unacceptably.
Not sure how to combat her viciousness.

I feel like my energy is low but at the same time I have more for myself. More time, more compassion, more patience, more forgiveness if I can wrestle the hate from that part, get her to lay down her self-harming psychological weapon to the ground. Give it up already, you are fighting a losing battle hurt teen self! That's who you, are aren't you? You are very lonely, mistreated teen me. So hard to love. I'll have to work on this one.

 

[Freida]

I've been in a funk for a bit so this is the first chance I 've had to catch up on your dairy.

Congratulations for finally getting your hospital stay! (what an odd thing to congratulate someone for if you think about it)

I think you still have a lot of grieving to do, especially around the kids. That was so sad to read - no one should tell you that you can't grieve for the things you have lost. There has been so much struggle in your life that was not your fault. I can't imagine the pain you have when you look back. Pain you didn't deserve. Hopefully you will be able to explore that when you a inpatient and away from all the day to day noise so you can continue the work you have set out for yourself..

This is a year I apply all the wisdom life's tough lessons have taught me and tend myself back to health and return to "walking in grace". My spiritual path has certainly been filled with challenges, surmountable challenges but significant ones, nonetheless.

This is so wonderful! You have had so much pain and grief in your life and yet you can still move forward to become the best person you can be. I love how you have written out the things you will accomplish this year! And I'm so happy that you have your guy, and you re rebuilding those relationships with your kids, and getting into the hospital to help conquer the past, and have your plan for the year.....
I'm gonna guess 2018 is going to be your year!

 

[ninja]

I think for some, toxicity manifests itself inside of the body. And there comes a time when it no longer can be denied and there is available space to start working through it. I think it can be astonishing how physical and real the emotions can become, creating a sense of heavy, puffy, weak, and weighted limbs. Almost as if we are trying to swim and they are desperately pulling us under. I say this in an effort to maybe suggest that the ungainly feelings you are feeling about your body may be liberated with the work you are doing and will do. The physical aspect will follow from there, I believe. You are a beautiful and very resourceful soul, I think.
Standing with you, respectfully. The disgust is really hard.

 

[ninja]

Oh man... I didn't really mean toxicity up there. I more meant, feelings that need to be worked through that may have been in there for awhile and possibly though not always gained a bit of an aroma over time.

 

[mumstheword]

I wanna answer you both @Freida and @NinjaWolf, so much admiration, respect, appreciation and affection for you guys, thank you so much, both of you, you are both awesome, amazing women. I can't even respond properly now, tired, words escape me, I want to response, but I'll get there another time.

 

[mumstheword]

I feel like I realized that my mother never loved me, today. I might be wrong but, it could be a cognitive distortion. I have learnt to doubt my perception of reality a lot.

I think she resented my existence, as a baby, child and teen. When I was a provider of status through being a Reggae Queen she treated me better and I was pretty useful as a makeshift councellor in the last few years. But I can't do it anymore.

She says she loves me and thinks about me but I don't really believe that she's ever loved me.

I'm not sure she knows how to be truly loving.
I don't trust that either.I don't believe that she's capable of being loving, honest, present, trustworthy and kind.
I feel bad for thinking that. I keep thinking, maybe it's just me? I'm just not a loving enough person. I'm flawed. It's me, I'm the problem, I'm just horrible. That's how I feel about what she thinks of me. And my shame at not feeling very much love and openess towards her now, that's mine. I'm f*cked up.

She has Parkinson's. Will I ever be even healed enough to spend time with her again? Hang out with my siblings and her and her boyfriend?

Her boyfriend is younger than my boyfriend and I'm not too enamoured with him either. I loved my stepfather though. He has passed though. He was my most stable parent, even though he threatened me with a hack saw when I was 9.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@mumstheword :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Freida]

I'm just not a loving enough person

I say this with love -- that's my disclaimer....

Are you kidding me with this?? OMG. You shower love on your kids even when they are being impossible. You constantly show how much you love your boyfriend -- even when you are in the deep dark. You wander this site constantly offering love and encouragement to the people here who need someone to care for them. And you do this even though you were raised by a woman who didn't know how to love and treated you like crap thru your whole life. The fact that you feel guilty because you cant feel more emotion for her comes from love!!!!

smack! right upside the head! with 100 wet noodles! oh yea -- all 100 of them.

 

[ninja]

Yes ^^^

You sound tired @mumstheword . Not lacking in your ability to give love. Just tired.
It may take time before you know what you can manage with your mother, or maybe it won't. But you have to take care of yourself first. You can help those little guys inside of you feel loved because they weren't able to receive it when they needed it. I think it is not your fault. And that in some ways sucks, because we have to work through stuff that was forced upon us anyway.
That said, I really do think you can become pretty d*mn healed!!