Relationship Uncertain - is my friend's partner showing narcisistic behaviour?

[PJackson]

I'm at the end of that road.. I have to thank God for that. Now I live alone for past 7 year's. I never lived alone before. It's a hard thing to do.

 

[EveHarrington]

It’s also fair to point out that I’m only conversing with those who understand and not pointing out ir...

It’s relevant. Very relevant.

 

[joeylittle]

I’m sure there are some good people out there who would love to have the opportunity to be a partner to someone like her.

You’re probably right. But that wasn’t my point.

You seemed stymied by how a person could stay in an abusive relationship. You asked, “what’s the logic?” I simply shared an example of some fairly common logic, from the sufferer’s perspective.

Personally, most of the time, I believe I’m trash. So it’s not hard to let someone else treat me the way I treat myself.

It’s hard to know what the situation really is with the OP’s friend...as the saying goes, there are usually three truths in relationships. One person’s side, the other person’s side, and then what is actually happening, viewed objectively. That’s the entire rationale for couples counseling - having that objective third viewpoint. Friends don’t generally have that perspective. So, the OP may be biased one way or the other.

Interesting conversation, though.

 

[Sideways]

I think this thread is weird. A lot of the things being said seems incredibly judgemental,

Thank you for saying that!

There’s a whole lot of labelling being tossed around about abuse, gaslighting and narcissism, and from where I’m sitting, both of the people in this relationship haved copped some pretty major criticism at various points in this thread. Neither of those people are here to give their own take.

I think, if you’re the friend of someone who appears to be in abusive relationship, the challenge is that there’s really not much you can do about it. To me, the only important question for an outsider to the relationship is: do I stick around and support my friend, even though I think her partner is a jerk, and stick around for when things go bad? Or am I just not in the kind lf place where I can be a support to them?

The rest is noise. Lots and lots of (uninformed and judgmental) noise.

 

[PJackson]

Lol my first husband used that phrase but he never implemented that. Compromise goes a long way.. here's a good one, my 2nd husband was emotionally abusive as well, he'd get me all fired up about our kids playing with the other kids so I was going out to see what he's talking about. Just as I stepped out he says: " whatever you're thinking about is wrong" WTH does that mean?? We fought back nforth for 20+ years. He wanted me to do something and when I did, he'd say that to me. And when I gave up playing this game he'd follow me to the bedroom and locked me in the closet. The things we did would surprise some. I was stubborn and efed him up. He was drunk and thought he was going to pass out on my nice clean bed. I told him twice to get off of it, and when he didn't I got a bucket of water and threw it on him, still didn't get up. The 2nd bucket I filled with ice, then he gets up and stumbles out to the couch. The last time he tried to lock me in the
closet his hands were around my neck and I said to myself, just bite him or kick him in the balls. Do something! So I bit down hard on his hand and he jumped back! He left crying she bit me! she bit me! I need to get to bed. have an appointment with my new counselor nthe morning. Thanks for listening!

 

[anonymous]

Thankyou all for your replies, you've all been so helpful. He is also useless in helping her with her PTSD, he tells her to just forget about it.

This could be a trauma rennactment - in order to try to resolve the pain of the past sometimes survivors get into another abusive relationship, and the theory is that this time they will master it. This time it will be different. I’ve been in this cycle. I didn’t get into it because I enjoyed it. It was freaking hell.

You and her both know she has PTSD - what about encouraging her to get help? That migh help her have the courage to eventually kick his butt to the curb.

I don't want to tell her to run, I have previously told her I'm concerned about her and the reasons why. I think he is very manipulative. They argue quite a lot but he always manages to win her back round and then she's all infatuated again and says he's so wonderful and that it was all her fault they argued and it continues in that cycle over and over again.

The fact that she does walk away shows she does see something amiss sometimes.

So tell her to run...

I dated a guy once who was terrible for me. Not physically abusive, but a real jerk. One friend told me they wanted me to run early on, and it was frustrating to find out after the fact they thought I should run... I ended up figuring it myself, but it would have helped to hear it as “RUN!”

 

[Gs172003]

What?? Forced her to have sex?? Maybe she likes the sex. OMG!

ME??

No.

 

[starbeam]

I missed some bits out -

- There are aspects of his life she knows nothing about
- She's never met any of his friends or workmates
- He is secretive and doesn't like her coming round to his place
- He knows she has PTSD yet does things to frighten her, like jumping out on her unexpectedly
- She feels he treats her like a child and keeps her isolated from his life
- He gets jealous and makes it clear he's angry sometimes when she does meet with the few friends that she has
- He constantly checks up on her
- He has keys to her place but she doesn't have keys to his
- He has lied about his whereabouts a few times and she found out but was too scared to confront him about it
- She admitted she partly stayed because she's lonely
- She wasn't lonely until she met him

I feel she does want help and advice (she has previously asked quite a number of times) but I also think she does have such low self esteem that she feels she doesn't deserve someone better.

I just have this awful feeling, you know?

 

[Teasel]

I ended up figuring it myself, but it would have helped to hear it as “RUN!”

This.

My abuser succeeded in confusing me with gaslighting and I already couldn't trust my own perceptions cause of previous abuse. It would have been great if someone shared with me that they thought he was bad news. Instead everyone I tried to talk to about my doubts about him said he was great. Even my own Dad. Such a mind f*ck.

It might not be possible to make a friend leave an abusive relationship, sure that' true. But telling her you'e concerned for her and that you think the relationship is abusive is not nothing. There is value in sharing your concerns with her.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I’d like to know why the person would stick around for emotional abuse?

I stayed because that's what I was used to in the past. I didn't see it as bad. I saw it as normal. But there are MANY reason one stays and/or doesn't see the abuse.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I stayed because that's what I was used to in the past. I didn't see it as bad.

Wow. I have no other choice but to understand as baffling as it may seem to me. I really feel for those who are in this situation. Again, hats off to all sufferers!

 

[PJackson]

I missed some bits out -

- There are aspects of his life she knows nothing about
- She's never met any of his friend...

Wow. I have no other choice but to understand as baffling as it may seem to me. I really feel for those wh...

Maybe we need someone to beat the crap out of us over and over again til (we get it) NO, violence begets violence. It's not a solution. Maybe a pyschiatrist

That’s classic narcissistic behavior. Marriage? Really? I would definitely leave them alone and run whil...

A sane person would do that