General Is my partner abusive?am i crazy am i selfish?

[shimmerz]

that I need to let him show me he can be better that he can change he wants to be a better partner and father .

If you wanted him to move out, then I would remind him of this statement he made. However, having said that, you don't NEED to let him show you anything after all that has happened. Yours and the children's safety come first and foremost and ANY cost to him.

I wouldn't make any of these statements while I was alone with him or the children were around. If you have an appt with the therapist (with or without him) I would bring it up there.

 

[Marinna]

I appreciate all your advice everyone and will take it onow board seriously. He has been diagnosed with...

Exersice extreme caution in any type of couples therapy. In domestic violence situations, most couples therapists won't take it on for very good reasons.
I have no doubt he needs therapy, but the problem is HIM and NOT the relationship. What do you think you can add to the sessions? Why do you need to participate?
He needs intense 1 on 1 therapy with an extremely experienced therapist. Abusers can manipulate therapists as well, he needs one that can handle that.

I am worried that you have attended therapy with him. There is no mutual learning or growth to be had here. You have seperate issues. He needs to stop abusing and you need to move on safely.

Please only consider asking him to move out if it is safe. Get proffesional advice first. Have you got a friend or family member who is willing to support and witness this request?

 

[Neverthesame]

He says that when the rage takes over he can't control it

Bullshit. He can control it, he's choosing not too.
Just like you don't have to act out your anger, he doesn't either.
There's a difference between being angry and being violent.

he never means any of it its the rage not him.

No. It's him. There's only one person in his head. Just like like there's only one person in your head.

The only way he can stop doing this, is taking accountability of his actions. That's it.
That's what they will say to him at the anger management course.
It's him. Only him. Only he can stop it.
If it were actually someone else doing the anger, then anger management courses wouldn't exist. Because all of us with anger problems would be locked away somewhere for other people's safety.

But that's not how it works.

He says he is getting help like he promised me that I need to let him show me he can be better that he can change he wants to be a better partner and father

Yeah, your right. He does need to prove it.
Until then, assume he's bullshitting you, because he likely is.

I was thinking of maybe suggesting he moves out temporarily to really sort himself out

I think you should insist on it, or else you leave.

He put his hands around your neck and squeezed until you couldn't breathe. He then slapped your face.
Why?
Did he catch you trying to smother the kids? No.
He was so upset about this that he did nothing but say that he was sorry, but it wasn't his fault because he can't control himself.

If he really felt bad about it as he claims, he'd have moved his own ass away from you, out of terror that he may hurt you again.

I'm worried to ask him this tho.

Have an escape plan ready. Be able to get you and the kids out before you have this conversation with him.

At the end of the day, make this request a courtesy, he shouldn't really have a choice here.
He forfeited his right to make decisions about the welfare of you and the kids, the instant he put his hands on you.

 

[420kitty]

Oh man... I was in a similar predictament 3 years ago minus kids. You cannot save him. Get out while y...

What I meant by the ending statemen of my post is I ended up getting ptsd from that relationship. You might also get ptsd from this current relationship. Why put your emotional health at risk? It is not worth it in the long run.

 

[Justmehere]

What he is saying about the anger and treatment just makes the situation all the more concerning. Even if he doesn’t remember what he’s done, he is still 100 percent responsible. He needs a lot more than an anger management course if he’s blanking out the rage episodes. I’m doubtful an anger management class will take him on.

Most of all, doesn’t matter what he says he needs.

Safety comes first. You and the kids need safety. Period.

I was thinking of maybe suggesting he moves out temporarily to really sort himself out...

You are headed in the right direction - keep going in this direction further. It needs to not be a suggestion or something you ask. He’ll talk you out of it. It needs to be a boundary that you set with a plan in place that you have worked out with professionals. Not his therapist but people there to suppprt you and the kids.

I would not recommend a joint session right now with his therapist. It’s unknown how much his therapist understands the situation and the trauma that you and the children are enduring. If they did understand domestic violence is involved, I doubt they were be recommending a joint session as the next step.

I’m worried you will feel pressured by him being there and won’t feel ok enough to speak up to her and he will have more ammo for his guilt trips too.

This isn’t your responsibility to solve and the situation is way past what a joint counseling session can resolve.

You need support for you FIRST. You and your children are at risk for development of PTSD. If you get support now, it can help reduce the chances of developing PTSD down the road.

Please contact a local domestic violence shelter or advocacy agency to plan the next steps including how to get proper counseling for you and possibly your kids, and how to handle setting the boundary for him to move out.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Bullshit. He can control it, he's choosing not too.

I agree... don't let him justify his abuse by trying to use PTSD. You have a thread full of people with PTSD and people who have partners with PTSD telling you it's bullshit. He's not a rabid animal.

 

[Mytime]

I’m sorry your going through this. You’v had a lot of responses by people who care.
From supporters and sufferers and they have given a lot of great advice. I would like to give you some advice also. But I hope it doesn’t come across or taken the wrong way. My words are only meant in a positive way and my post is only to challenge a different view for you. I’m not judging you in anyway. I’m not in your relationship, I don’t have your emotional connection .But I have thought about your post quite a bit and I have waited to respond, because I want to see some of you reply’s. To maybe see a bigger picture.

You have acknowledged your in a abusive relationship, that’s hard and painful to face. You are right, your not stupid, your intelligent. I can understand your feelings of shame, weak and embarrassed. I believe those feelings come with being in a abusive relationship. But I also wonder if you feel, because your a Social worker you should be able to help him. The truth is No. A brain doctor wouldn’t do brain surgery on this wife. A heart doctor wouldn’t do open heart surgery on his partner. A Reiki Masters wouldn’t do Reiki on their spouse if they have PTSD. Why, because their to emotionally close. If I was a client and came to you and said “my bf has hit me,
choked me, he says he blacks out and doesn’t remember,he can’t control his rage, he’s threatened to hurt himself if I leave, ect. What would you say to me?
You have no emotional connection to me or my kids.

You feel stuck and confused, is that because you don’t want to face the truth? You said you already do everything. He doesn’t support you in anyway. Your the one that works and supports the family, he doesn’t work for the most part. I’m not trying to hurt you in anyway. You already know, you have to put your kids first. Before you and before him. I also get the feeling you want to protect everyone in you family.
By leaving or him leaving you are. You are protecting you and your kids, by keeping you all safe from emotional and physical abuse. You are protecting him
from the shame and pain he feels when he abuses you. Your protecting him from the possibility of hurting one of the kids in one of his black outs. If he say it would never happen, then he’s lying about not remembering.

I’m concerned about you meeting with his therapist. If he has been open with him about blacking out and physically hurting you. I’m confused why his therapist we put you in a position to upset him, knowing he has a tendencies to black out, ect.

You are a good person and deserve to be treated with respect, love and compassion.

 

[EveHarrington]

I get the impression that he is trying to convince you to stay by saying he doesn’t remember the rage.

The way I see it, if he doesn’t remember the rage, it’s even more of a reason to leave him because he’s even more dangerous.

Hugs.

 

[Slushie]

Gemz, he will not change, he is bulls hitting you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he is blacking out and losing time he has much bigger problems than PTSD. Either that or he's lying.

 

[loner mcdonald]

you are not crazy. these other people here are giving you good advice. run like hell get out now. may god be with you. god bless you and your little ones. you will be in my prayers. loner

 

[anonymous]

My partner has ptsd and is verbally abusive and occasionally physically abusive. (I have a defensive injury on my hand from an incident yesterday...)

He used to say he could not recall the abusive outbursts. I told him if that were truly the case I would need to leave because I was in real danger. He then admitted that he could remember- albeit imperfectly- and that he could control it.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Hugs if you accept them.