Sexual Assault Being seen/used as an object

[Sweetleaf]

In my last therapy session, my therapist and I talked about things rather than doing EMDR. I'm totally okay with that because I kind of needed to figure some stuff out.

She said something about my sexual assault trauma, and about the abusive relationship I was in, and it was something I never had thought of before, although now it's very obvious. It's still hard to think about it though, and I'm kind of adjusting to the insight, it makes me feel bad to have been used in this way, though my feelings are much more complex than just "bad".

I talked about how from the beginning none of my sexual needs, wants, or desires were ever considered, and how he so easily dismissed my boundaries, (here is the part where I start having sweaty palms typing about this) for example when he penetrated my anus with his finger, or his penis, and I told him I wanted him to stop and that I didn't want to do that, he just ignored it and kept going. I also talked about how I couldn't refuse, quit, or show how bad I was feeling without him freaking out on me. I couldn't get him to stop, I couldn't push him away, or back away, or anything.

The lack of care my abuser had about my feelings, needs, concerns, etc. also extended to basically all other aspects of life. For example, once I was really really sick, like high fever, almost high enough to go to the hospital, and I was basically stuck in bed feeling horrible, confused, weak, etc. He wouldn't do anything for me to help me, he wouldn't get me water when I was too weak and sick feeling to get out of bed really, and I was really thirsty.

She said "so it was like you were an object to him"

I never really have thought of it like that, but she's basically right. I was pretty much treated like an object rather than another human being with feelings and thoughts and needs etc etc etc. I was just a tool to fulfill his needs, wants, desires, just an object. I didn't matter at all, everything was about satisfying him.

Does anyone else relate?

 

[Swift]

Sadly, yes.
It was a pretty difficult realization to have dropped like a bomb on me by a therapist. I struggled with it. Still do.
Ps that guy sounds like so many things I can't say on a public forum.

 

[Freida]

Yep. It's been a hard thing for me to get my mind around. I think of it as I was just a big doll to be positioned and posed as required. I (freida) didn't exist. Just a play toy. It's only recently been anything I was willing to discuss because it is so unsettling. Yea - unsettling -- hows that for the understatement of the year?

Ps that guy sounds like so many things I can't say on a public forum.

yep.

 

[Lulu95]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way too. I also felt like an object too. I would say no one time and then he would disregard it and just keep doing what I asked him not to... it made me go silent, like I actually was an object. Unsettling is the least of words I'd use to describe it. So sorry to hear others experienced this.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Ps that guy sounds like so many things I can't say on a public forum.

It feels so strange to hear people point out how shitty he was. It feels unreal, even though it is real, even though I myself definitely think he was insanely shitty.

Yep. It's been a hard thing for me to get my mind around. I think of it as I was just a big doll to be positioned and posed as required. I (freida) didn't exist. Just a play toy. It's only recently been anything I was willing to discuss because it is so unsettling. Yea - unsettling -- hows that for the understatement of the year?

It is a hard thing to get your mind around, and unsettling is an understatement. The unreality of it, or surrealness of it, also makes it hard to wrap your mind around it.

In retrospect, now that I know what depersonalization and derealization is, I realize that I would spend a lot of my time in that relationship in a state of depersonalization/derealization. Makes sense that being treated like an object could trigger that as a survival mechanism. I was even treated like an object in a doing-literally-all-the-f*cking-tasks way. Like all the chores, or I'd get sent to go get him shit that he wanted, or whatever, and it made me feel like a f*cking robot, a tool. Master presses the buttons, and obedient little Sweetleaf does precisely as commanded (and she's going to pay the price if she f*cks up in even the smallest of ways). But doing that, non-stop, for years, with basically every single aspect of my life... agh. I can't even describe how that felt. Eventually, when he would make me do things, I would go about the tasks I was to do in a state of depersonalization/derealization, because I don't think my mind could handle -not- having control, -not- having a say, in what my body was doing. It couldn't continue to carry out someone else's will, and continue to effectively be someone's sex toy, without checking out.

I spent a lot of time in fantasy land.

I would say no one time and then he would disregard it and just keep doing what I asked him not to... it made me go silent, like I actually was an object

I went silent, too. I'm sorry you experienced it, though at least we aren't alone in having had to deal with these things.

 

[Hooper]

To be clear I am a male and the thought of my wife seeing my desire for her making her feel like an object is nauseating. The interesting thing you say is "none of my sexual needs, wants, or desires were ever considered". Sexually I am a pleaser but I am not allowed to. My wife is a pleaser and is allowed to. Her boundaries are respected but it is highly frustrating on my end. Being married and adhering to my vows I only have one outlet for sex. Given her history I just have to deal with not being able to please. The frustrating fact of the matter is I am giving her what she wants in allowing her to please me and left feeling selfish but that is what she wants. She has mentioned a few times feeling objectified but I don't know any way of achieving the connection I crave without having sex. I can see couples counseling in our future but I do not want to traumatize her. I can't bear feeling like someone who objectifies my wife. I think if I objectified my wife it would be the same for other women but it is not. I do not want another woman. I want my wife and I want to please her like she pleases me but that is not in the cards. Your x does sound like a pos. I hope I don't come across as one but I am frustrated to say the least.
hooper

 

[EveHarrington]

To be clear I am a male and the thought of my wife seeing my desire for her making her feel like an obje...

It sounds like you’re walking in eggshells. This behavior won’t help her heal imho.

 

[Friday]

Ive found a lot of the patterns in my life are ways I’ve found with re-contextualizing experiences.

Some, are straight up retrauma. For a variety of reasons. (Meaning not just because I think something is “normal”; which is true for a few -but not most- things in my history, and baseline for a lot of people).

Others have very different reasoning & results.

What’s leaping to mind, right now, were a couple friends that I had following a period of time I was held captive. I used to just show up on their doorstep periodically, when I needed/wanted to be completely taken care of. I was something like a living doll for them. Very much an object. Wardrobe, hair, hygiene, meals, sleep, activities... everything down to the last detail they organised, supervised, supplied. Told me when to do what how, & provided everything I had. In the complete and total opposite way that I was an object whilst held captive. In part because I could come and go as I pleased. And in part because they were... extravagant is the wrong word. Careful, kind, considerate, loving, thorough.

Looking back? I was reeeeeally, really broken.

Not so broken I stayed that way, but enough so that I very much needed the stark comparison of 2 vastly different/identical paradigms to be able to step away from them.

There are times when I’ve been so badly off I’ve truly wished I had people like those 2 in my life, again. But, facts are, I already had them. I already relearned how to take care of myself, many many many different ways. Those 2? Were a part of that process.

When I look back at my life? I see a lot of patterns like that. Situations and events I’m repeating in various different ways, until something seems to settle & be made right. Or, at least, less broken.

Like, literally being held prisoner & dependent on others for everything... vs an abusive relationship, that I can leave any time I decide to do so. The bars in my mind? Are a very different thing than bars in real life. Breaking them? Is more important.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I was something like a living doll for them. Very much an object. Wardrobe, hair, hygiene, meals, sleep, activities... everything down to the last detail they organised, supervised, supplied. Told me when to do what how, & provided everything I had. In the complete and total opposite way that I was an object whilst held captive. In part because I could come and go as I pleased. And in part because they were... extravagant is the wrong word. Careful, kind, considerate, loving, thorough.

Wow, this is pretty much -exactly- what my life was like after I had freed myself from my abuser, for a while.
I pretty much had to be retrained how to take care of myself. That's what it felt like to me. Other people had to make sure that I did everything to take care of myself. Eat. Drink water. Everything you can think of pretty much. I had to be retrained to do so much stuff, some of it too embarrassing for me to say.

I haven't thought about it like that. A positive being-used-as-an-object, a positive having-every-aspect-of-your-life-controlled-by-someone-else. Thanks for posting all that. I really identify with the feeling of having to relearn how to do things, to re-train yourself to do even extremely basic things, for taking care of yourself. I still struggle with some aspects of taking care of myself, like remembering to eat, remembering to drink water. I have become an absolute clean freak though. I can't stand messyness. Too triggering. Same applies to personal hygiene. If anything I go overboard with that.

I am still freeing myself, mentally.

Also, it's a real process, trying to re-learn how to go about -normal- life.

I guess I kind of still am living like that, actually. Just nowhere near to the extent I was when I initially got out of that horrible situation.

 

[Freida]

I can see couples counseling in our future but I do not want to traumatize her. I can't bear feeling like someone who objectifies my wife

Counseling on how to improve your marriage communication as a team would be great. Counseling to get her to "feel" different - that's a whole different thing.

As for the objectifying - I'm not sure if this applies to others but for me it was done as a means of humiliation and control. Not someone who cared for me --- someone who wanted to punish me. I (the human me) had ceased to exist in his eyes and I was simply a plastic doll to be used as desired. (wow -- just typing that makes me want to puke.)

The frustrating fact of the matter is I am giving her what she wants in allowing her to please me and left feeling selfish but that is what she wants.

I think this is different than objectifying simply because you have this concern.Which shows you care for her and want to change the dynamic. That could be something for you to discuss with a therapist on how to find a different ways to address the issues.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I'm not sure if this applies to others but for me it was done as a means of humiliation and control. Not someone who cared for me --- someone who wanted to punish me. I (the human me) had ceased to exist in his eyes and I was simply a plastic doll to be used as desired. (wow -- just typing that makes me want to puke.)

This was how it was for me. For me, he never saw me as a person. That, I am fully convinced of, and even then it still is hard to wrap my head around sometimes, and hard to accept, but there is simply too much evidence of it. I don't know if he sees -ANYONE- as a person. I will have absolutely no surprise if he kills people in the future, like he has spoken about wanting to do that so much. He would constantly talk about it for a long time. Usually he wanted to do it to prove some point, or hurt and traumatize people who he hated, or was jealous of, or thought were sheltered, or all this other stuff. He did not care about other people. He bragged about how, one time, he made this like 17 year old that he worked with cry, because she was talking about her depression, and he told her to kill herself.

There are many such stories. He would do things like talk about how he wanted to slice my cats open and leave their entrails strewn across the floor, just to see my reaction when I saw it, and he would sometimes scare them on purpose, threaten to hit them, threaten to kick them across the room, but luckily i somehow managed to prevent them from ever being physically harmed, though it was so, so close sometimes.

My cats don't seem very changed or affected by it, thankfully. Though, I'm sure it didn't help my female cat's skittishness. She is at the same level as always though. She's 13 years old, and has always been like that, save for with a few people. It got worse when I got a dog, and she stayed like that even after he died 5 years ago.

He didn't care for me. He didn't care about me. He didn't care about anyone. He is lack of care, empathy, and compassion extended to even innocent little animals.

People were just things to him. I was a thing. I was a way for him to amuse himself, have things get done for him, so on and so forth.

It really does make you want to puke.

 

[Hooper]

Counseling on how to improve your marriage communication as a team would be great. Counseling to get her to "feel" different - that's a whole different thing.

Freida,
I read what you had to say as well as everyone else and decided to just go 100% straight truth. I just asked her if she had any idea what it was like to have the best wife you could ask for, (most importantly) the best Mom for our kids you can ask for, by far the best sex I've ever had (I know you're not supposed to compare x's with a current partner but I figure since no one has come remotely close it is ok) and after knowing all of the above when I see her in the bath tub the fact that I greatly desire her does not mean I objectify her at all. She agreed this was not objectification and seemed sincerely complimented with the truth and my concern about her feeling objectified. For your input and everyone else's thank you.

Eve,
I was going to ask for a more detailed response (I'm a little thick) but I got it covered. Had I needed further details I'm sure you would have clarified. That selflessness does not go unnoticed and although it was not needed thanks in advance.

Friday,
I read your posts somewhat religiously and you have given me perspective on some issues I've had in the past that were spot on. I remember reading about your objectifiers (the good ones). If I remember right they were gay not that it matters remotely and were just what was needed at the time they were there. You bring up points at times where I come to similar points of view. What you had to say revolved around good objectification by friends who loved you when you needed what they had to offer vs bad objectification. Lately I've been thinking about something similar with the subject being selfishness. Selfishness in the traditional sense is a bad thing but if you help your disabled neighbor unload her groceries because of good selfish reasons like you could not sleep well that night if you did not help with the groceries it takes a traditionally bad trait like selfishness, turns it on its head and makes it a good quality so long as the character of the person who is selfish dictates it is a good thing just like your objectifiers character made it a good thing. It's late and it takes me time to get what you say sometimes but I'm getting better at it and appreciate your input as well as enjoying what you come up with next.