When/how did you decide you were unfit to return to work b/c of ptsd?

[Stephernovas]

Any idea if this panic attack was related to outstanding work issues? Is there something about work i...

My accident was on the job. I had just dropped off a small child and was returning back when my vehicle struck a moose. Everything related to work reminds me of what lead to that trauma. As well, the pressure and expectations from employers and workers comp is the icing on the cake!

I’m curious to hear about your massive panic attack. I’ve become accustomed to ignoring my symptoms and pushing through. I’m starting to realize how I’ve been living is not okay, and I shouldn’t have had to suffer through thinking this is what life is supposed to be. As I gain a better understanding of this, I can effectively communicate my needs to my therapist and discuss if/when back to work is appropriate or not

 

[shimmerz]

Everything related to work reminds me of what lead to that trauma. As well, the pressure and expectations from employers and workers comp is the icing on the cake!

There you go. So work is the major trigger (besides moose-s!) So yeah, of course you are going to react heavily to the thought of it. Is your T working on the work component of this for you?

I feel like these insurance companies try to push people back to work because they want people to go back too early so they can be fired. They can't perform and they know it. They want people like you (and me) off of their roster. I would be careful of that. If you have backing that says you aren't ready for work yet, then I would go with that. Period.

As for my panic attack, you don't want to know and I worry that if I write it down it will trigger it again. Don't want that. I think I lived mostly pushing through. The first panic attack I had was at 44 years old. I had to ask what it was! Most of my 'healing' work has been about not continually pushing through. Training my mind that my body needs to be attended to and cared for. It's ridiculous!

 

[Freida]

can I ask what happened to you?

the short version? series of unfortunate events in the military left me with some serious injuries and a lof ptsd that wasn't diagnosed for a long time. Went to work in emergency services where the ability to compartmentalize is a job requirement - and worst possible environment. Developed fibromyalgia and ended up taking lots of pain pills just to function thru the day. Body started to give out and I ignored it. Then brain started to give out and that got my attention. Finally started therapy - things got worse. Trying to balance high stress job with trauma therapy? Yea....no.
finally gave in to docs/therapists insistence to take time off - that was 4 months ago. It took 3 to calm down enough to start seeing results. Biggest regret? Not doing it years ago.

 

[Stephernovas]

There you go. So work is the major trigger (besides moose-s!) So yeah, of course you are going to re...

Yes, if it triggers you please don’t feel forced to go there. I only ask because I tend to only listen to my brain/body when I’ve hit extreme symptoms

 

[shimmerz]

I only ask because I tend to only listen to my brain/body when I’ve hit extreme symptoms

Okay, so I think I am in a good enough place to answer this now.

Major panic attacks, for me took on the characteristic of my literally freezing on the spot or dropping onto the floor (or behind a friends car after she dropped me off). When I was able to slow down the process, I recognized a feeling of complete annihilation. It was no wonder I was dropping.

So with thoughts on whether it was a body thing or a thought thing, I am going to say that it was a thought thing first, but I couldn't identify what the thoughts were until long into my healing. What I did recognize was that if I was holding something I would drop things out of my hand just prior to freezing. So I learned that the body was telling me I was going down. So when you state that you don't notice something until it has really escalated, I am going to suggest that you might be wise to look further. It may take a while, and it may take another person to tell you what THEY see. For me, it was my rubbing my eyes. I didn't notice it -- other people did. I eventually learned to take notice of my hand going to my eyes. But it took time.

I have successfully gotten to a much better place by watching my body for signs that I am being overwhelmed. I had to really focus in on and train myself to direct my inner thought process. I had to really believe in my being attached to my body and train myself to do the self care thing regularly (like 100 times a day).

Please don't hesitate to ask more questions if I haven't quite gotten to what you are looking for.

 

[Stephernovas]

Okay, so I think I am in a good enough place to answer this now.

I appreciate you coming back to this.

I have just come back around from just over a week of being triggered by the landing from the plane I was on. I was flown out for a medical appointment, and the landing mimics how it felt in my accident - impact, speed and application of breaks but still not completely stopping. I sobbed as the plane landed (even after taking a lorazepam) and the flight attendants had to walk me off the plane because I couldn't stop crying. For the rest of the week I had extremely low mood and was a complete monster to my therapist. I was super snarly and cried through my physio appointment. Then, a few days later I had another physio appointment where I was nothing but anxious and I couldn't stop shaking. I thought I was just making it up but when my physio confirmed she could feel my entire body vibrating (she also commented about my other appointment when she said I was crying myself into hyperventilation), I felt validated.

I have such a hard time with this, and kind of ask to 'compare notes' when it comes to panic attacks/symptoms because worker's comp is constantly down my throat about how soon I can return to work. I know I was assessed to have severe symptoms, but I cannot comprehend why they would be trying to force me into working again when I'm struggling so much. I'm so confused.

 

[EveHarrington]

Remember it ALL comes down to $$$, $$$, and $$$.

Workers comp people want you off workers comp because you on workers comp costs them lots and lots of $$$. You working costs them no $$$.

This is why they want to boot you off of workers comp.

Your health is not of much concern to them. Well, at least not as much as watching the bottom line.

Remember, workers comp people are not your friends. They are not on your side.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I quit working while I was still being subjected to trauma by my abuser. I haven't felt stable enough to return to work since. This past month, I've been thinking about returning to work, because I seemed to be getting better at handling things and just kinda holding myself together. Then today came around and reminded me "hey uh, yeah that PTSD thing? Still will totally f*ck your shit out of nowhere lol"

I haven't worked for around 6 or 7 months, and even then I barely worked. In 2017 I made $8000, which is a fraction of what I could have made. kind of hard to work when you're extremely afraid that you will come home to either a corpse, or a homicidal/suicidal maniac - if he was being unstable beyond a certain threshold, I'd just stay home to try to keep him from going overboard... god im f*cking stupid. I'm not even saying that about missing work, I'm saying that about not f*cking dumping someone who makes me have to stay home with their f*cking crazyness, then blame me for it, like the sack of shit he was.

Worst part is, he would act up a shitload, knowing full well that if he's acting like that I don't work. Then he would get angry at me and blame me for not working and call me a lazy sack of shit, that I was the reason he wanted to kill himself, so on and so forth. Endless insults, endless blame, and all blame in the relationship would always default to me.

I'm a substitute teacher. Still employed, and due to the way the job works, there isn't any real penalty for me not working, aside from not making any money. I'm in the system, I could literally log into the app right now and take jobs, but I am really afraid of f*cking up because, basically, two f*ck ups where they send you home = fired. That could be as easy as saying "f*ck" at work, in front of kids, two different times.

It feels like cursing happens -really- easily for me at the present time. I'm not actually very worried about it as I've always had a very good filter, but the chance of it happening kinda scares me. Also, there are loooooads of other ways I could f*ck up and get fired. On top of that, pretty much every time I show up to work I feel very nervous and under a lot of pressure, because I usually have only 15 minutes to read their lesson plan, figure out what the f*ck they actually mean with it (teachers kinda suck ass at making lesson plans that people other than themselves can understand, sometimes), do any prep that I need to do before the kids show up, so on and so forth. Sometimes, there is material that I am very uncomfortable with, or is very poorly explained, or is just outright insufficient. Pressure starts hurling me into panic/freakout mode, and I know that I can feel quite a lot of pressure in those mornings. I occasionally had a hard time handling it before... I always pulled it off wonderfully, but even before PTSD, I had a lot of difficulty some mornings.

I've been trying to figure out if I'm ready to return to work, or what the threshold would be. I have never worked -while- having PTSD, so it's kind of uncharted territory for me. I've been kind of trying to go by my general stability, but as I learned today, that can just totally randomly go *poof* and you have a day more difficult than you've had in some time.

It just feels kind of wrong, to think of working with children when you can't even hold your own shit together.

I really want to return to work, just for some normalcy and having an income again, and feeling productive, etc. I'm just really, really afraid of f*cking up.

 

[Freida]

I really want to return to work, just for some normalcy and having an income again, and feeling productive, etc. I'm just really, really afraid of f*cking up.

How about on line teaching? I've seen several job ads recently for teachers to teach in on line grade schools or English immersion classes. It looks like there's a lot more freedom to come and go, but enough structure to keep you on track

 

[Sweetleaf]

How about on line teaching? I've seen several job ads recently for teachers to teach in on line grade schools or English immersion classes. It looks like there's a lot more freedom to come and go, but enough structure to keep you on track

Lol I forgot to comment on this last week. It's been a very hard week.

Anyway, thanks for the suggestion. I even knew about that sort of teaching and haven't been thinking of it, but that might be a good way for me to go.

I have immersion school work experience, even.

 

[benoit1972]

I guess I was the recipient of good and bad timing in regards to when I finally felt like my chances for re-employment were nil to none. I had been dealing with functional PTSD since 2007 and was able to fake my way through it for the last 9 years of a 25 years military career.

I was the recipient of some luck and also had help along the way as I was privileged to have some who gave me leeway when I would miss work or “get sick”. I actually made it to retirement, and took the medical out when it became apparent that my back surgery wasn’t going to positively impact my ability to continue in uniform.

When I retired I was going planning to go back to work, just take a less stressful job that what I’d just left. I wasn’t even retired yet when I began the boondoggle of applying for work in 2015... it was not like I expected. While I was transitioning out of the military I was awaiting the decision from VA on my disability percentage, this would significantly impact my take home income and would decide if I even had a choice not to work.

I found the employment and hiring process to be very impersonal and felt like I was lost in the giant information machine we call the web. To say it was stressful is laughable, and it seemed my skillset which was military in nature but highly specialized didn’t transfer to what I expected in terms of civilian employment. The only thing I had going for me was still having a secret squirrel security clearance. But all the jobs would force me either move near DC area or start in an entry level analyst position.

My anxiety which I was somewhat controlling through modern chemistry came back with a vengeance. I went from having monthly moderate anxiety attacks that I could eventually pull myself out of out of, to primal fear eminent death panic attacks that would just run the course. These panic attacks were different I’d go into respiratory distress, every nerve in my body was firing, the heart rate and BP would skyrocket, my skin would crawl, I’d get tunnel vision, I’d shake, I talk to myself to try and make it stop. This horrifying feeling I’d unfortunately experienced during a few day stretch when I was shot in the head without ever losing consciousness. Followed by a hemorrhage 12 hours later after they stabilized me where a lost a few days, finally three days later I blew my sutures while laid up in Lahnstuhl and again bled out.

After these variety of panic attacks (psychiatrists says flashbacks) started with frequency I knew If I couldn’t get these under control Id eventually be in a worse situation. The depression meds alone no longer worked and I had to start taking the benzo’s regularly. Also applying for a job with a clearance obviously requires a pre employment screening, you can’t explain away taking a cocktail of pills to keep it together. Finally when I found out my disability decision things began to look up, however the whole conundrum did seem to have a lasting altering impact on me. There were drastic changes I’d have to make in my life, I learned to identify and avoid triggers.

So it was about 2 years ago now that I had to come to grips with my unemployability. Things are tight but my wife went from part to full time work and that’s helped, I had to take up the slack with the house and our school aged children. I manage, but things are still day to day/week to week with me, I hardly leave my house now, I’ve whittled my friends down to a few.

Sorry for the long read, I’m half asleep and hope there aren’t too many errors.

cheers