Struggling with self injury tonight

[Westover]

I'm normally a lurker (I think I've only posted once or twice), so I feel guilty asking for help (given that I don't normally participate in a way that helps others). But I'm having a really really hard time on the SI front tonight. My therapist and I had a rupture recently, and while I normally have the SI stuff under control, tonight is different. Normally when I cut it's just light scratches and that's enough pain, but I don't even feel those tonight. I've tried the normal ice/red pens/etc tricks and nothing is helping. I don't want to do serious damage and I just don't want to feel alone.

(PTSD from sexual assault/early childhood neglect, if it's relevant.)

 

[Sweetleaf]

I feel guilty asking for help

Don't - that's what this place is here for. If being mostly a lurker is best for you, and your healing, then there is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to contribute lots of posts to get help and support from people :)

I don't want to do serious damage and I just don't want to feel alone.

You're not alone - you have us, and now that you've opened up maybe we can help you feel a little less alone.

I myself have a really hard time not hurting myself - mainly I do scratches too. The day before yesterday was just, really really hard. I nearly did hurt myself. It's been a few weeks since I last did, the scratches are still visible from it. I have not graduated to using blades yet - I feel like that's just a line I shouldn't ever cross, even as tempting as it is.

I know how it feels to be sitting there trying not to harm yourself, having the feelings bombard you that make you want to hurt yourself. It sucks. But, it's temporary. Hang in there, we're here with you.

I don't know what advice to give to help you have an easier time not self-harming. I think the tricks tend to be pretty individual. Keep trying, though. Try to distract yourself, maybe go on a walk, just change up whatever it is you're doing with your time today, if you're having difficulty with SI and SH desires.

 

[Westover]

Thank you so much for responding. It's just really scary to me. I looked down and there was so much blood, way more than there normally is. Not in a way that is life endangering at all, but I just feel like I'm in this awful spiral. I ordered some spicy food for delivery in the hopes that eating and feeling that flavor will be a useful distraction. Weird, but fingers crossed it works.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I feel you - scary is a great word for that. I remember coming out of my SI/depression/self-harm-desires, looking down at my thighs and hip, and just going "whyyy? holy shitttt!!" - definitely scary. Scary even while you're still feeling the bad feels. I feel you there.

I ordered some spicy food for delivery in the hopes that eating and feeling that flavor will be a useful distraction.

That actually sounds like a great idea! Plus, it's fun to order stuff out at least to me :D

I was deprived of such things for so many years - mundane stuff like that just has this element of fun and excitement to it, for me.

 

[Westover]

I feel the same way! And it just got here. I put the razor away and am going to try and focus on yummy Indian food.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your understanding and presence.

 

[Sweetleaf]

No problem! Enjoy your food :)

 

[digger]

Hi @Westover - can I just check, I think you are using SI here as an abbreviation for Self Injury, rather than Suicidal Ideation. Both get used on the forum and it can get a little confusing so, if you can let us know, we can alter the thread title slightly to reflect which it is. Thanks (and hope you enjoyed your food :))

 

[Swift]

Hey mate, sorry you're having a rough time.
The best trick I have is surfing the urge - waiting 15 minutes and throwing myself into something stimulating. Or getting the hell away from my knives.
I often need to set up 3-4 things to do and switch between them til I calm TF down.
Sometimes when I want to do massive damage I draw pretty gruesome pictures of people with limbs chopped off or gaping wounds etc. I'm no artist, but it scratches the itch of wanting to destroy something and make it hurt.
Are you getting treatment atm?
SH is usually a good barometer for me, in that if I'm feeling it a lot or worse than usual, there's probably something deeper going on, even if I don't quite know what it is.

 

[mumstheword]

Hang in there Mate. Sorry you're going through that. ((((((Hugs))))))))

 

[Westover]

Hi @digger. I did mean self injury—sorry for the confusion.

@Swift and @mumstheword, thank you so much for your thoughts. Means a lot.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I feel really compelled to say something.. First of all YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Second of all I totally get it (this is an area of struggle for me too- with the SH also PTSD from sexual assaults/rapes) But, Thirdly I want to refer to what someone said

have not graduated to using blades yet - I feel like that's just a line I shouldn't ever cross, even as tempting as it is.

I started nearly a year ago with just doing scratches...dullest instruments I could find- no worries never going to use anything that could really hurt me. What I feel like is unfortunately not talked about enough with SH is that its actually physically addictive. You are actually releasing endorphins in your brain every time you cut and the addiction quickly progresses similar to pain pills where it WILL NOT be enough until you use that blade and you'll need more, more, more to get the desired effect. The deeper you go the harder it is to pull out of...the more it consumes and the more pleasurable it becomes... It is an addiction.. I wouldn't trust that you will never start using a blade...and as hard as it is I would try to stop now before you get to that point because once you start using a blade...it is VERY difficult to stop and the more dangerous it becomes of possible "accidents". I am just saying all of this stuff because I get it, and I care! Hugs, I hope you are having a better day today!

 

[Joan]

You are not alone, but surrounded by many who get it. Great job asking for help and reaching out....that is huge. I hope that you are taking sweet care of yourself