Why do you choose to stay alive?

[Angelwings]

I’ve been battling these damn suicidal thoughts lately...

I could focus on all the reasons why t...

I stay alive for my son. I'm a single mom, he's an only child and I love him more than I want to die, and believe me...I want to die.

 

[Teasel]

try to stay alive to also not let the bastards and abusers and pricks of this world win and let them push me to do myself in. I don’t want to let everything dark win.

I think I feel this way too. Which feels positive actually.. yeah I want to prove them wrong / prove myself right. Or at least the part of me that believes I can heal and learn and believes yes I was done wrong and am at heart as ok as the next person.

The planet is stunningly beautiful and I want and think there is a good chance I will get to see more of it in the future.

I've got a good deal more dancing to do.

And recipes to try.

I reckon there's going to be a few things about becoming an old woman that I'm going to love. Like giving less f*cks about the opinions of those that don't have my best interests at heart or things that don't matter

Or being less self conscious, and more accepting of self and others.

Just plain knowing more.

I want to earn the pride (?) and gratitude for having been able to overcome some of the obstacles I've faced.

I want to learn to be able to relax and laugh and be spontaneous more.

A few things give me hope that I might be coming to the end of my trauma reenactment phase and be beginning the chance to heal.

I've certainly learned a good few things about abusive people and red flags to look out for in relationships.

Also about traits and beliefs of mine that are not true and have kept me vulnerable to abusers and not looking after myself as well as I might.

And I would like to be able to get to the stage where I can give back too.

And I dearly want to build some healthy relationships with people.

 

[bellbird]

I'm going to graduate in less than 2 weeks. It's a day that has been 5 years of blood, sweat and tears (literally) in the making.
Most days recently I've been feeling like I want to die, but there's no way in hell I'm going to miss that day.

 

[ILoveLife]

The day after I tried to leave and gave up, I saw all the shapes and colors of reality.
Now when I'm suicidal I just remember that and it reminds me that being alive to witness just the passing of time is a freaking blessing.

When the pain is too strong, I close my eyes for a moment and open them again just to see reality forming in me.

Now reading, sounds really cheesy but it's true :D

 

[bellbird]

I've got a good deal more dancing to do.

This is just beautiful and warms my heart @Bearlinda

 

[Chris-duck]

My suicidal feelings come on intensely for months then appear to leave just as suddenly. I wouldn't like to die if the next day was when my good days started again.

 

[Ahhlia]

I am going through the dark days. Those thoughts fill my head. and I have had that question every day I am in the dark place. I have a boyfriend a son and a dog. I don't talk with my son much. He may miss me but the life insurance money will make him happy. The boyfriend, well he has not been true for 5 of the 6 years. He is getting a little insurance money. He will need the dog. So much for thinking of them to prevent me.

What I do is give myself a project. This month is finally get my poetry book published. By the time I do I may be out of the dark days. And if not I will think of a new project.

 

[littleoc]

@Ahhlia Your suicide would be traumatic to your son. Keep that in mind as well

I have this weird thing I do...

I refuse to die on a bad day. I don't want to be suffering or sad, or for others to think I was. I don't want my last moments to be of me giving in to illness, and possibly regretting it on my way out. I feel that's the least amount of comfort I can leave behind, as well.

So, I tell myself, Don't kill yourself yet. Wait until you're having a good day. Then you can do it.

Obviously on my good days, I'm thinking much straighter. I know that I never want to give into suicidal thoughts. I never want to hurt anyone else.

This works better for me because it doesn't make me feel trapped on Earth in my body when I say to myself, People will be upset if you do this. Instead, it points out my distortions and I know to wait to act until I am in my right mind again.

Has worked every time :) because I know that it will never last forever

 

[Happyplace76]

I stay alive for my son. I'm a single mom, he's an only child and I love him more than I want to di...

Single mom too. I'm alive because I'm all he's got. Not even anyone to take care of him, so I have to. And I want to, just would be nice to want to live for a reason other than keeping another alive. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Actually, @Happyplace76 , 'for' another is not so bad, because it's out of yourself, and mostly because even more so it acknowledges what you mean to him, and the importance of 'you'. And obviously what he means to you. :hug:

 

[Happyplace76]

Actually, @Happyplace76 , 'for' another is not so bad, because it's out of yourself,...

Thanks just having a rough day... As messed up as it sounds I've joked my son is a suicide block. Just know I can't for him and sometimes I resent that. Where I was today was where I was barely functioning, telling myself you are barely a mother right now (and I am barely a mom - I get him up for school, make sure he showers (still at that age) etc...) Barely makes sure he has enough clean clothes, dinner... just enough - the hugs are easier, but the day to day "momming" is next to difficult. Worrying about where we're going to even be living in a few weeks, how this kid deserves the world and he has nothing but struggle and a front row seat to my depression/what I'm realizing in therapy were ptsd triggers all these years... the poor kid. Really. Today is one of those days I question whether he should be around me.

 

[littleoc]

Thanks just having a rough day... As messed up as it sounds I've joked my son is a suicide block....

:hug::hug::hug:

I’m sure he doesn’t want you suicidal either. I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. I wish I could fix it... hang in there and keep getting treatment. Show him what strong is :)