Childhood Found out some news... abuser is very ill

[Scott88]

found out that the person that did the things to me when I was young is very ill, I don’t know how to feel?...

 

[Esterio]

Hi Scott88

It is very hard for me to be happy about some of my perpetrators being dead as I don't want that on my shoulders. I celebrated to first to go he was the worst person I have ever known. I felt like shit later for being happy at someone death. The others I have come to feel relieved that they are gone. I think the feeling of relief as been better for me.

peace be safe
Esterio

 

[Emotional girl]

My dad left me when I was 8 and he abused me in 3 different ways.Recently I found out that he had died to 3 years ago and I went through a range of different emotions.
My T told me there are no right or wrong feelings when it comes to dealing with your abuser being ill or their death.I think you should just go with whatever emotions you feel and talk them through with someone close or your therapist.

 

[8888]

When I remembered repressed memories of abuse my abuser was already dead; therefore my abuser has been dead the whole time I've been dealing with my trauma. For me knowing this made me feel better since I don't have to worry about bumping into my abuser nor do I have to worry about him hurting anyone else. I agree that there are no wrong feelings to have.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I wish I had your scenario @8888 because I don't know if my main perpetrator is dead. It doesn't matter that he's old either. He committed so many heinous criminal acts on me and others that I'm terrified of him finding me even if he is old. My littles inside worry he'll come and get them because he promised to hurt them if they ever told. And told I have to the police and detectives. :eek::poop::arghh;

 

[Freida]

I'd do a happy dance on mine's grave. But then, I"m not exactly stable so that might not be the best answer.... Just sayin

 

[8888]

@Congruency :hug: I wish I change that for you.

 

[ILoveLife]

@Congruency lots of hugs to you

 

[Old worn bear]

found out that the person that did the things to me when I was young is very ill, I don’t know how to...

This is a tough one. It came up in conversation with my therapist, just hypothetically, and it was a useful conversation. One of the problems we suffer is that there is an endless echoing voice out there that says "get over it". It only happens with invisible disorders. No one would say it to someone in a wheelchair. The fact of the matter is that your abuser has caused you physical damage. Childhood abuse that results in cPtsd has caused your brain to develop differently. Areas that run the alarm system are overdeveloped and those that look after memory, concentration and learning are underdeveloped. I don't know where I saw the quote "PTSD is not a matter of public opinion - it is a physical injury" but it is true. I think of my abuser as a rapist and will not be coerced into visiting him in his last days to listen to excuses. The sooner he is gone the better. The word 'rapist' may seem very or too strong but if you can bear it, work through it as a comparative description and I'll bet you will not find it too far off the mark.
Take your shoes off, stand on the grass, breath in as you wish and out as slowly as you can. This will bring you back to yourself and ground you. Put some work into pushing through the thinking on this one and you will take a big step away from that abuser.
OWB

 

[Mee]

Esterio talks about not wanting to be the person who is pleases at someones death.

I get that. But I am also able to reframe that for others who might see this perspective:

Death beings freedom from fear for us and others from that abuser/perp. It frees us from worrying what they might do ( even when we know it's not our redponsibility). In some cases it brings freedom from guilt for not reporting. Or Safety from fear of repercussions. Death doesn’t have to bring happiness; but all those things can bring some positivity!

 

[EveHarrington]

I'd do a happy dance on mine's grave. But then, I"m not exactly stable so that might not be the best an...

Lol. I joke about mine dying. I’m sure my therapist would say it’s anger coming out sideways. Or something like that. I’m sure when it actually happens I’ll be a pile on the floor though.

 

[Old worn bear]

I would agree and qualify my response with those thoughts. My abuser is my father so at one end of the scale there is betrayal and at the other is the father I never had. He is still crashing around at the other end of the country wrecking lives and manipulating people. The ripples arrive on my shore every so often. I'll be glad to know I when I've seen the last of them. What the aftermath will feel like is an entirely different matter.
OWB