The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[littleoc]

I hate that I got so affected by hearing about the neighbor. I really came undone. I think.My partner was just really upset about it too, but it felt like he was angry at me for being upset.

It’s really hard not being empathetic when you know what the results can look like.

And I understand worrying that people are upset at me when they are really upset in general. It’s an easy thing to misunderstand.

Many hugs :hug::hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

Hugs from me too :hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you for the hugs kindness and helpful empathy and advice everyone.
Still majorly symptomatic. Luckily I can stay home and kind of manage.
Watching Dirk Gently's holistic detective show so I can try to ignore symptoms. Tired of focusing on this crapness.
I want to be better again.
Der, who doesn't? I guess.
I want to cry but I don't want to cry.
My (youngest, I have 5 sons and 2 daughters) son's home.
Managing living through symptomaticness is a bitch, but I am managing.
Thank goodness for small miracles and small increments of recovery.
My kid keeps telling me he loves me. That kind of stuff, I live for.

 

[ILoveLife]

Watching Dirk Gently's holistic detective show

I loved that show! Still haven't read the books though. But I have them on my ereader.

I am managing

Good. Baby steps.

My kid keeps telling me he loves me. That kind of stuff, I live for

Aww, wonderful.
We love you too :)

 

[mumstheword]

I loved that show! Still haven't read the books though. But I have them on my ereader.



Good. Baby step...

Love you too @Sietz
Thank you

 

[Freida]

dirk gently is a great binge choice to get your mind off things -- I so wish they hadn't been cancelled!

I'm sorry you are struggling -- but I think it's interesting that part of it is because you are so compassionate. Something to think about??? Maybe to help you feel better about yourself???

 

[mumstheword]

You are so much kinder than I am Mums... People like this do not get 'subtle' much less blunt. It brought...

My guy saw her at Aldi yesterday. I didn't want to bump into her so I stalled in aisle 1. She bolted out of there. He thinks she might have seen us and bailed quickly. I had said some truthful stuff to her in a I-won't-take-bullshit-from-anyone manner (on Sunday, when she came over) and I think she's realized some stuff that might be causing some cognitive dissonance for her.

My guy was busy with her friend and didn't hear what was going on with us but he was proud of me that I stuck up for myself and didn't let her railroad me and condescend to me. I'm getting stronger and believing in myself but my brain is so injured from insane levels of stress stress stress and so now, little things feel like bigger things and my body reacts in a major way.
I can't just plow through and fake it anymore.
I ran out of "terminator" determination, now I'm a timid, tired, sad, washed out wreck of a mum who needs so much help.
I don't like this new, even more solid, less flighty but sad and sicker me.
How do I learn to like someone who is so lacking in functionality? Who wants to hide in bed with her teddy (actually he's a fluffy frog).
Someone, who, clearly, isn't a proper grown up?
I'm back in hospital in July. I clearly need to be .
I'm going to Housing with my Trauma Counsellor early next month. I know, if I move, I'll be able to function again, as long as I'm not housed next to or close to crazy, druggy, violent, abusive people and I'm not in this horror show of a hippy town .

I grew up "hippy" and it was horrible

I want to learn to drive
I want to go back to uni.
Do lots of Arts stuff and peer work in L.
Lots of exercise and eventually train in some "trauma sensitive" body arts.
Spend quality time with my children.
And my wonderful guy
Go dancing and learn how to shuffle
Be a great advocate for my disabled son

And eventually, move into the country and grow heaps of stuff with my guy, build our own place out of stone and wood and earth and have a sanctuary for birds and reptiles and amphibians and study fungi and grow them too. Oh and maybe travel and explore megaliths and caves and coastlines and waterfalls.

 

[ILoveLife]

How do I learn to like someone who is so lacking in functionality? Who wants to hide in bed with her teddy (actually he's a fluffy frog).

You're strong so this is temporary. Sometimes we do need to hide, it's self care too.
My mom said something a few months back, when things were calmer... "you've dealt with so much crap in your entire life that it's okay to rest, you truly deserve to rest".
I think it applies to you too here.

And eventually, move into the country and grow heaps of stuff with my guy, build our own place out of stone and wood and earth and have a sanctuary for birds and reptiles and amphibians and study fungi and grow them too. Oh and maybe travel and explore megaliths and caves and coastlines and waterfalls.

Keep those goals in mind. Small steps.

 

[mumstheword]

You're strong so this is temporary. Sometimes we do need to hide, it's self care too.
My mom said someth...

This does help @Sietz . I feel better about being such a useless zombie-type semi-catatonic person (ok hyperbole, but these were the only words I could think of that remotely describe my current state of very limited functionality).
My day was cancelled. Too brain injured. I had a dream about my mum. It hit home in a very visceral, impacting way.
Another BIG dream, like the one about my son being blown up while I stood by helplessly and did nothing. That hit very hard.
This one was more about poor me.
I'll go into it later, suffice to say, it was cruel to me and very telling about my feelings and experiences connected to my mum.
Very sad. Very "little matchbox girl" if anyone knows that story.
But I didn't die.
I just woke up very affected and feel terrible and have been able to do ...nothing.
Oh I ate a whole black of Aldis organic dairy chocolate with coconut and eventually had a bath, and fell asleep in the bath. This is some kind of "healing crisis" that I'm going through because , I HAVE to get better.
I'm a semi shut down mess.
I woke up from my bath remembering why I fought so hard to stay, to survive, when A nearly utterly destroyed me (my ex).
My kids and my man. They kept me commited to sticking it out and working to recover and be well.
And I also want to LIVE , not just survive. I want jobs, holidays, a decent home, to drive and own a car. I want to be ME and appreciated and validated for who I am and my skills and unique offerings to the society, culture and world at large.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm glad it helped.
And I'm sorry about the constant nightmares, I have them too. Tonight's was stupid, woke up feeling terrible.

 

[mumstheword]

Numb and dumb in the head,

Can't think of anything to do, but lie in bed.

Where is the "amazing" me?
That awes peeps with her abilities and amazing durability?
She is somewhere deep inside,
on strike,
In a dark inner room,
without the light.

So humbled and trying not to write myself off
Trying to find compassion for this damaged, injured human that I turned out to be.

Although I'm not working, I'm ok, I think,
I feel like I do stink but want to link up with compassionate others and drink from the cup of being well.

We'll see;
I believe this is cyclic,
not permanent,
a journey,
a climb to seek a vantage point,
some reference points,
a point to it all,
to see more clearly,
to be free of unnecessary pain,
to gain strength and clarity,
answers,
and to vent
and sense a way through,
to be truthful and insightful,
fruitful and delight, once more, in life itself.

I don't doubt that life has more to offer, I'm not ready for a coffin, and I'm a bit of a boffin, so ...
I seek unique and truth-speaking others to
share the search for cheer
and clear communication,
verbal demonstrations of how it works
and how to make things click
and speed up,
when I'm too slow and broken.

To heal and feel alive,
not contrived,
but genuine repair and airing
of what's festering,
I'm not here to best anybody, but myself,
my own demons,
they feel real
but they are figments of buried pain
and memories
and things not as they seem.

I want to be clean,
like the baptised,
reborn and refreshed,
blessed and having redressed whatever's needed.
I'm bleeding in my psyche
but I'm resting to heal.
That's real.

 

[ILoveLife]

Most importantly, self care. Things will come naturally, baby steps. :hug: