The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[ladee]

congrats Mums... keep the good days close to your heart, more to come... !! Gentle hugs.

 

[ILoveLife]

Good days are awesome, enjoy every tiny little detail of it. :)

hugs

 

[Freida]

yeah!!!!

 

[mumstheword]

I am ok.
It's mothers day so that brings a lot up for me.
I am trying not to be sad about how my mother and ex have behaved towards me, it's hard though.
I am angry too. Pissed off. I wish i had a kind mum and a reasonable ex.
I hope my children are being kind to each other, the way, I have done my best to raise them, I wouldn't want them to go through life so lonely, afraid, sad and abandoned as I have for most of it.

Damn , I'm having a shitty, pity party and that's not what I wanted to do.

I can't stand other's pity and self pity is a pile of :poop:

 

[mumstheword]

My little is happy though, because I'm still here! We survived!
My little is happy I'm doing a good job keeping us safe now :-)

 

[somerandomguy]

I am angry too. Pissed off. I wish i had a kind mum and a reasonable ex.

I wish you did too. It's perfectly natural to be angry at that.
Happy Mother's Day ... I really mean that.

 

[mumstheword]

I wish you did too. It's perfectly natural to be angry at that.
Happy Mother's Day ... I really m...

Thank you :-) my 17 year old daughter and nearly 20 year old son are bringing me prezzies.

I am mostly tired and getting over a weird mild-but-brain-affecting flu but kind of accepting and feeling grace as much as I can.

 

[Swift]

Happy Mother's Day.
I mean it too.
You've broken the cycle your mum started by being kind and loving your own kids.
Ps, glad the neuroscience helped. I find it easier if I know what's going on.

 

[mumstheword]

Got lots of pressies from my youngest daughter. She has a job now and treated me, heaps of cool presents ... lots.:)

Was a pretty good day overall.

I have a little, that doesn't want to be grown up.
Doesn't really want to be.
How do I coax her to want to participate and fully engage in life?

I think if she feels looked after enough, she can be convinced that life is livable.

It must be the part that just wants to snuggle in bed with her stuffed froggie. Like, most of the time, these days.

My nearly-20-year-old son came up too :) The one that wants to live with me. It was good to spend time with my younger middle kids.

I am slowly healing.

I wonder how I can live, now, being like this?

I guess we all want to know, is it permanent?

My mother self is coming back online after an incredible amount of pain.

Yes, I am breaking the cycle. That has been my life's work.

I'm a weirdy that is childlike, though and somewhat like a very old, frail, sad lady but I also laugh a lot. I have developed much more of a sense of humour, because my guy and I couldn't stand being sad all the time, or fighting, so we joke, and laugh and tease and be very silly, and watch stuff and give each other massages (I'm the one that started that, but he has a better sense of humour than me, very teasy, jokey man).:laugh::roflmao::laugh::hug:

When we fight, or he shouts at me, it feels shattering. My body and nervous system can't take very much of that at all. I shout back a bit, but mostly I cry and fold up into an empty sack of clothes with a flattened-out cardboard cut out of a person in peices. I become an old, old lady who feels nearly spent, who has had too much hardship and who is all used up and really, just vomited out by people who chewed her up and now she's shredded.

So I prefer to laugh, do silly accents and make food.

My guy was stressed this morning because my mum has been trying to get hold of him via phone. He doesn't want to be stuck in the middle of us. I told him he doesn't have to talk to her, but yeah, she's been trying.

I am very angry and frightened of having to have anything to do with her. I tried. I really tried, but I'm too unwell to handle her, I just am.
I don't want to hurt her feelings but she just isn't to be trusted, for me. So yeah, I rejected her like she rejected me as a child, as a teen, and as a homeless mother coming out of torture and terrible oppression fighting for her life.Whenever I needed her she was never there for me.
Except the massages, she used to give me massages sometimes, and I would give her massages too.
I think we are just too ill for each other. And I can't stand really selfish, insensitive people anymore, or people who do and say things out of spite or malice.
I hope, one day, I am strong enough to be her daughter again, or maybe she will want to actually do a bit of mothering of me, but I doubt it.
What does it feel like to have a mother who comforts you and makes you feel safe?

I am a very caring mum but I'm also a scared little girl at the same time.
I have to be both, until my scared girl-child is ok.
At the moment she is running the show.
It's weird, being this tired old lady and little girl at the same time, in a youngish middle age woman's body.

Very old, very tired and very young and very frightened. I don't really like it, I want to be different. Not so frightened and tired.

 

[Swift]

Hey.
You handled a really tough day with grace. Congratulations.
It's ok if you can't deal with your mum right now. You don't have to.
FWIW, I don't think you "rejecting" her now is in any way equivalent to her rejecting you in your childhood or your teens, or after your abusive relationship while you were homeless.
You're both adults now. She's had the choice to act as an adult towards you. If she was just a friend who was unsupportive, you wouldn't worry about not wanting to talk to her.
I get that it's different because it's your mum. I didn't speak to mine for like, a year and a half.
I'm fairly sure I did her less damage in that time than she did over a couple of single occasions when I was a kid.
It's okay if you have a few parts. You can be old and little and tired and a mum and a child and anything else.
You can need a glass of wine in one hand and a Froggy in the other.
I get it's bizarre,I'm a bit the same myself.
But it's okay to be all of who you are, and need all of what you need, even if it seems to contradict each other.

 

[mumstheword]

Love you Swifty! :) thanks for the validation.
Yeah, there's guilt about my mum, lots of it, but my own well-being is taking priority.
So yeah, it was good, 2 out of 7 of my kids isn't too bad a % and really, I've had to learn not to have expectations so yeah it was beyond what I had prepared myself for, that's for sure.:)
I'm back to being zombie like and unmotivated and avoidant. Not healthy but perhaps a result of many years of pushing, pushing pushing myself in ridiculous situations? Basically treating myself as if I were a machine, a people-pleasing and trying to win love via awesomeness (big noting myself, but yeah, kind of superhuman efforts to survive and wow people or over-give to people to try win "safety" aka inclusion and regard) machine.

I'm not a machine, I'm a brain injured human.

Oh well, numb is ok, fear is on the edge, our atrocious neighbor is making a racket and we are desperately hoping she is still moving.

She is a dangerous personality-disordered arsehole. I'm dragging my arse on updating my thread about horrible stuff that we've been subject to, at her hands and importing it here.

She has her music up real loud, as per usual. Grrrrrrrr. Please, please move horrible neighbor.
She poisons our gardens, yes I know it sounds far fetched, don't you love it when abusers do such crazy malicious stuff that it makes you sound crazy when you call it?

 

[mumstheword]

So all my kids that were around, the three others of them that are around also sent up loving regards, apparently. They obviously didn't feel it enough to call or text, but oh well. They are living at their fathers, that's stressful enough.
I need to catch up with my oldest, I've promised as much. He probably feels neglected by me, but he is 27 so yeah.
I was a wee one when I had him; 17.
I did ok. Not great, coz how could I have? But acceptable. I'm working on the "I'm a bad mum" stuff.
I'm ok.
He talks to me when things are really bad for him, so I guess things aren't at the moment?
I want to move past anxiety over my children. I think I'm getting there :-)