The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

This times a million.


Yep. He was the one doing all the bad shit. He's the one responsible. He treated...

I'm sorry @Swift . I feel like I'm notoriously horrible at handling kindness well. I feel so overwhelmed and like there must be a different me perceived to the one I feel like. How can this be? It's always so foreign feeling, to be seen and still not shunned. So surprising and I often want to distance myself from that strange sense of self that might not be so guilty, repugnant and shunnable. I hope I haven't offended you so much. I'm waiting for the rejection and the condemnation, even though that hurts so, why and how it it that I haven't completely blown it here already? I want a world of love and kindness but how can.I get used to receiving? Thank you and I'm sorry for my silly, awkward "houso" behavior. I'm a total weirdo. You however, deserve utter respect, and graciousness. I do think highly of you.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm a total weirdo.

Lets be weirdos together :hug:

 

[Swift]

@mumstheword, I'll borrow @freidas feather duster for a second.
You haven't offended me! At all!!!!
I'm crap at the kindness gig, too.
I think we're so used to having it coupled with badness that it's just so hard.
I probably didn't put that well, but what I was trying to say is you're f*cking rad.
I guess I'm still waiting for everyone to act against me, too.
The problem is a sense of security feels like a "false sense of security."
Gahhhhhh f*ck abuse and abusers in general, and yours and mine in particular.

 

[ILoveLife]

I guess I'm still waiting for everyone to act against me, too.

Me too. Isn't it a symptom? Mistrust of others?

 

[mumstheword]

Lets be weirdos together :hug:

Yep :-) let's. That's one thing I'm good at being. And they tell me learning to connect with other humans is "good" too.
Hahaha, actually I'll attest to it, since I started letting down my armour, as a mature "discerning" woman, I've been pleasantly surprised, some humans are actually ok. Surprise, surprise, I really couldn't believe it at first, but it turns out that, yeah, some are actually alright. But yeah, I'm a total weird one so I'm surprised some of y'all actually keep talking to me:p:geek::oops::smug::hug:

 

[littleoc]

some humans are actually ok.

Lol :roflmao:

I feel that. But weird humans are the best ;):alien::D

 

[mumstheword]

So, what to cover today? I want to write something to help myself feel better.
It's cold here. I think this weather is a little triggery for me.
Yesterday I was making leaps and bounds (literally) today it's all too much too address, again. Overwhelmed is a perpetual state for me.
SO is bombarding me with youtube, stuff like stupid people stuff and badly behaved tourists :wtf::oops::eek: sensory overload. He is flu-ey:hungover: so what can I do?:hungry:
Nervous system overamped blurch:nailbiting::notworthy::shifty::peeking:

 

[mumstheword]

Stretched, overloaded, flummoxed, agitated,
Consumed with uncomfortable feelings
Reeling from dramatic events long past, but still affected.
Rejected in a profound way, I don't wish to whinge and whine, it's fine, I'll be ok, one day.
I'm not angry right now, I'm still dumbfounded that this all happened.
Yes, it seems I'm flappable, I'm jacked up and got highjacked, wacked energetically, to buggery. Don't say I'm a victim, I'm still here, I'm a thinking woman, a human person, versed and reversed in maturity, like Benjamin Button, I was a like a little old lady when I was tiny and now I'm a middle age woman who's more like a baby, needing help and care.
Should I be ashamed? Doesn't matter, shame is a core part of who I feel I am. Who's to say I'm not defective? I'll reflect on it, anyhow.
When I recount and count how both women and men have treated me, I'm appalled at how blind and unkind many can be.
Now, I have no time for rhetoric that doesn't reflect reality, but instead holds up insanity as politically valid. "Social Science" is often vested interest "intersectionally" biased and contrived, not facing facts, but fictiously fabricating "the woes of the collectively disadvantaged". I'm a women, tired from real woman womb stuff and intelligent enough to reject the lack of reason, rebounding in the echo chamber of "offence-taking" repetative hysteria, staged by over-privileged refuse-to-reason wrong-headed politically corrupting correctors who demonstrate hypocrisy in the media on a regular basis.
So I'm sorry, I'm not sorry, not a "third wave feminist" I'll think for myself, I'll assess the facts and treat people in kind. If you are honest and can reason, put emotion on hold while we face things more objectively, be critical of culture and call things as they are, I'll listen, I'll converse, I'll be happy to concede. If you can truly convince me, with rationale and evidence, I'll back down without a frown. If you can be accountable, in the face of evidence and take new information on board? You're not ignorant, you're learning, and you get my respect, but deny what is evident? I'll call you on it and get bored, I can't afford to be manipulated into hating without real time factual, actual call.That's all.

 

[littleoc]

When I recount and count how both women and men have treated me, I'm appalled at how blind and unkind many can be.

I agree. It’s surprising, no matter if you’re hearing about it or if it happened to you.

 

[mumstheword]

My chest is a cavern
Hollowed out

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:
You're safe.
We're all here with you.

 

[mumstheword]

Disturbed, perturbed, confused, consumed with not-able-right-now
I keep zoning out
So exhausting to have "feelings", all the time;
they are so painful, they feel like a crime,.
Denied for too long,
I had to be so strong
I can't always cope
End of my rope, so I opt out,
Pot has been a-go-to
Wine too, red when I say "nope, not gonna feel right now, need a break, my life is broken".
I try to keep it together.
I wasn't high for nearly 7 years,
but too many tears later, I needed to be straight no more, coz life's hard, always has been, what's being clean when it's constant pain? I couldn't catch a break, it was breaking me, I don't take psychs or anti-ds, benzos even more rarely, and it's getting to me.
There's no resolution, that's what's killing me.
No where's really safe and nice, not ever and even though I'm really clever, it's been hell. I'm not well but I want to be. Can't you see? I need help to get safe, have a chance, excell. So I can not, instead of pot, here in drug town where I frequently want to frown. I want out, out, out. I want to not, instead of pot, I'd rather exercise, downsize, but maybe the PTSD would still get me. Oh well, I guess it's just me.