The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Swift]

Glad you had a good day.
Your son sounds like an amazing young man. You must be very proud :)

 

[mumstheword]

Glad you had a good day.
Your son sounds like an amazing young man. You must be very proud :)

I'm relieved that he's doing ok. And yeah, I'm happy that he's shaping up to be a considerate and thoughtful man, I can tell he wants to be a compassionate human being and is feeling a lot better about himself and his life now.
Things have been so strained, I couldn't even grieve my lost babies last year, I was too worried about him, and for good reason, he was really depressed and frightened and dejected and a bit violent to himself and his disabled brother at times.

Since I've gotten back in his life, he's become a much, much less miserable young man. He's gone from feeling suicidal, only a month or less ago, to becoming more and more hopeful, communicative, motivated and open, to me, at least.

I only got to reestablish contact last year and that was because one of my older sons was very very unhappy, acting out and suicidal and his father couldn't cope. He honestly thought he might lose him and my oldest son suggested calling me (this is after years of their Dad actively maligning me and excluding me from the family as much as he could). So I got to go down to the house and it was very, very hard but I did it! I had to expose how painful that whole dynamic had been, I couldn't help it, I had so much grief it was hard to get words out and I was frightened to be in the house with their father.

I told my nearly-20 year old that it was too painful for me to be apart from him anymore and he said "yeah, I think I need a mum" and let me hug him.
We lined up a weekly lunch catch up and that been a thing since then.
I did have a pretty shitty kind of major breakdown after the seeing his Dad and dealing with the other brother hostility and pretty much brainwashed blaming and rejection of me. I had to quit uni but then I was also dealing with a bunch.of other crap too, miscarriages included.

Still, my second youngest son and I have kept up the regular contact for close to a year now.

He told me a big reason he had cut me out, before that, was to do with that older brother's attitude toward me, but I know it was mostly manipulation from their Dad.

My older son is mad at me that I left. Really really mad and really hurt. I don't blame him but he was told lots of lies and corralled into believing that I was to blame for everything, that I was a liar and an uncaring mum. When I went over there he said to me "I hope none of your children go to your funeral" and he kept telling me he didn't want to see me and that I was crazy but, yeah, it was a necessary experience to get more contact.

He now has a girlfriend who is basically giving him an ultimatum "Either you reconcile with your mum, or we have no future together." So, we shall see. He's only 22 going on 23 and he is my most estranged child now.
I won't put pressure on him but have told him I never wanted him out of my life, I just had to leave to save myself.

His older sister used to treat me very badly but she and I are good now.

They were pretty close growing up, but then, so we're we. I put him in a horrible position, confiding in him and treating him as an ally instead of a child though. I'm so ashamed and mortified at that sorry excuse for parenting. Really really shameful. No wonder he doesn't trust me now.

I was so struggling, scapegoated and massively exploited, sexually and otherwise, pretty much my whole life and it reflected in the dynamics with my kids.

Boundaries were non-existent and I guess I became a massive fawny repulsive cuck woman when I wasn't having panic attacks and begging and pleading with their Dad to be, like, an actual real human, to no avail.

I also thought I had bipolar when I was with him and that I was horribly defective but I was just untreated and having a massive breakdown with abuse instead of care.

I have been going hard on the recovery journey and self emancipation. Still a long road ahead of me though. I even got a few grand payout from victims services that has gone on health care.

I don't have much self esteem to insist my kids are in my life, I just want them to know they are deeply loved and that I'm here for them. That's why I moved back here. If I can reconcile with that last son and build closer relationships with my oldest children, so that they can call on me when needed without fear or hesitation, I will really be able to say to myself "Job well done." and rest assured that I've done my absolute best to break the hellish cycle of intergenerational trauma and abuse and neglect.

 

[mumstheword]

I

When everything is harrassment, nothing is.

We're having a moment here in the USA where men in so...

I love that you recognise that you are "blameless".
You are not in the least bit disrespectful of women, even.though you've been so maligned by some pretty horrendous ones (I'm talking not just your ex but the college teacher "all men are rapists" and that horrendous counsellor).

I love that you are growing into your power and ability to "call the bullshit" .Third wave feminism is offensive to thinking and caring people everywhere IMO. Who's talking about real oppression? We are. In a grounded way, we are supporting each other to free our own minds and heal our brain/endocrine/bodies from that which has been undermining and maligning us.

I am having better and better days :) So great to feel less symptomatic!

I notice that you are sounding lighter, less judgemental towards yourself, more understanding and compassionate towards yourself.
Gently goes. We are the sensitive souls who need to go slow and practise kindness to self, more than most, at the moment.
We are getting there :)

 

[ILoveLife]

What an amazing group of people I found here. Not just this thread, but how you guys grow in each post. It's amazing to watch.

You're an incredibly strong woman mums.
I truly admire you.
:hug:
Glad you're having better days now

 

[somerandomguy]

I notice that you are sounding lighter, less judgemental towards yourself, more understanding and compassionate towards yourself.
Gently goes. We are the sensitive souls who need to go slow and practise kindness to self, more than most, at the moment.
We are getting there :)

Huh. Thank you for pointing that out, mum. I hadn't actually noticed but since you wrote it, I think it is really true.

I wish the same for you, and I do see your improvements. We can do this!!

 

[mumstheword]

Huh. Thank you for pointing that out, mum. I hadn't actually noticed but since you wrote it, I thi...

Yep, I believe that we are doing it.:)
I've had some pretty positive things going on, the last couple of days.
Went to the doctor yesterday. Got my nearly 20 year old son in, too. My guy, still fluey, just dropped us off and I told him not to hang around, that we could catch the bus home. I had arranged to have my Trauma Counsellor meet us there, as the previous week, I was so symptomatic I was freaking out about going in to see the Doc and she offered to meet me there.
I'm much better since the weekend so I felt silly that I needed her there to hold my hand, but seeing as we catch up for a session on Tuesday anyway, I thought that it would be ok.

It was just for my housing paperwork that she's helping me with and we got to chat while the Doc filled it in.

Then my son and I went op shopping, I think you Americans call them charity shops? My boy (young man but he's still a bit of a boy) is pushing the boundaries with gender norms, lately. He now paints his nails, they are mainly pink. Wears his very long hair in braids and buns and sometimes wears lipstick. He also bought pink ladies jumpers (sweaters, I guess you USA peeps call them) and other more girly looking stuff. Well technically I bought them for him. Now I will add, I'm not conservative, in the traditional sense at all, but I'm kinda sexist and also a libertarian, so I'm all for people doing what they want, dressing how they want, etc, providing they aren't hampering other's free will. I just smiled and gave him unconditional approval.

I honestly don't give a f*ck if he's gay, as long as he's a decent human being and is doing what's authentically and genuinely true for him and not being exploited and manipulated by others. I do want him to be courageous, so whatever that looks like for him.

Anyway, he had a good day and especially loves the pale pink French sweater and hot pink and black hoody jacket. So it was a little confronting for me, but I guess one's young adult children are really good at challenging our comfort zones.
There was a super girly dress-top that he nearly bought and I admit, I was relieved that he didn't buy it. It's so much harder to watch one's male child "cross-dress" even though it is purely sexism and well, it's certainly getting more and more socially acceptable than ever before.
So most likely, my kid will end up bringing a boy home and I'm honestly absolutely fine with that.
Dressing in drag though? Confronting as hell.

But I can tell he's happier than he was, he smiles a lot and has gone from wearing all black to lots of pink and purple and rainbows.

 

[somerandomguy]

Hahahaha, sigh. They know how to push our buttons. Last night was the first homework standoff in quite some time, but I feel like it's going to get more frequent as my tween turns into a teen. I was able to keep my cool, and that helped a lot. Glad you're keeping your cool, too :cool:

 

[mumstheword]

My heart feels horrible again. I had a bit of an altercation with my guy. Things got heated. We sorted it, but I'm not good at handling even that level of stress, anymore. I mean my behaviour is fine, but my body and subsequent symptomatic flare-up feel horrible.

Bummer, I was finally unfreezing and feeling ok.

After my poemy night, the other night, in which my heart area felt really horribly numb and uncomfortable after drinking red wine and partaking of the green, I haven't touched either, no benzos, nothing.
But today, since the argument, the icy heart numbness has returned. I just have to weather it.
I feel like crying, but no tears.
The DV guy finally got picked up by the coppers. He blames my guy, I guess my guy is an easy target. My guy did talk to the police because the wife beater guy came up here with another guy who stabbed someone to death last week.
My guy is psychologically preparing for wife beater guy to try jump him or something, because my guy has been stabbed in the neck, lost a girlfriend to stabbing and been nearly beaten to death so he's hypervigilant about that sort of thing, understandably.

He's a bit elevated and talking about it also had my adrenal flooding happening again. That wasn't what we fought over though.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm sorry you're symptomatic again. You'll climb out of this too.
I'm sorry about the fight with your guy. Things are heavy there, it's natural to bleed a little into other things. Its just passing, though.

Love you mums, you'll be okay :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Crying now:cry: thanks for the kindness @Sietz .I'm sure to feel better soon, I'm doing so much better, in general!!!

 

[mumstheword]

Icy tendrils grip my heart,
Feeling heavy, weighted, not great,
Gravity of the situation, gaspy, grasping for relief, breath; grounding.
Inside my chest, squeezed tight, I fight on,
enduring and breathing through another night, of my soul. Been pounded, squashed flat, reinflated and then popped, my bubble burst, it's getting old, yet I have goals and still score, it's not "poor me" it's "I'm still here!"
Living in my head, saved me, gave me tools and strategies, yet my body feels and knows, grows louder by the minute. I figure there's a storm in there, heavy rains and clouds a brewin' while I'm stewin' in my own juices. My throat burns, I'm concerned that I'm not right again, I failed this test, I need to rest and when I'm better, I'll let the world know. Feelings come and go, I'll be smooth sailing instead a failin', soon enough. It's symptomatic weather, gotta keep it together, 'til it passes. Let it move fast, I wanna be past this by now, but for now, I'll go slow, and keep growin' my brain better.:)

 

[mumstheword]

Pah, hates happening.
I feel like people hate me, here.
I feel hated.
It feels vicious and envious and determined to overpower me and make me feel like I'm nothing, nobody but a disposable blob.
A thing to hate.
A thing to ride, to deride, to slowly kill, to kick to the curb, to reduce to a no thing.
Its ugly and cruel .
I feel hated, despicable, worthless, revolting, disgusting, shameful, uuuughhh.
Toxic stuff, long term stuff, mother and ex stuff, me internalizing and hating myself, the rapists, the molesters, the exploiters, the childhood violence, the bullies, stepmother, grandmothers, the strangler-drugger-rapist, the disdainful medicos, my ex, my ex, my ex, my Dad's negligence, depression and suicidality. My stepdad threatening to kill us with the hacksaw. Mum's violent boyfriend who beat her and left us in the middle of no where. My mum's assaults and negligence and emotional cruelty and extreme selfish behaviour causing me a harrowing childhood.

But I did remember nice times with childhood sweetheart/teen boyfriend, nice :-)