The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Argh f*ck the HSC, I'm almost glad I had too much other shit going on to worry too hard about it.
You ca...

Yeah, they don't get extentions with compressed curriculum, according to dawty.
She's not behind, though. I don't think her weed/tobacco habit is helping. Thanks (their) Dad:devilish:. He provides and encourages. :cautious::arghh;:meh:.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm sorry she's going through that. It's really hard to see outside of school at that age. I remember...

Good point about the adolescent brain. Thanks @littleoc :-)

 

[mumstheword]

I can feel I'm shutting down, a bit, here.
On the site.

I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

I'm just pulling in, to myself, a bit more.

My weight loss is going well. It's slowed down but, again, not a bad thing.

I've got two birthday boy sons to organize birthday stuff for/with, coming up; nearly-20-year-old son is turning 20 in 7 days.
"Special" son is turning 26, early, next month but I have to celebrate with him early, coz, I'm planning to go into hospital for another 3 week trauma&dissociation program.

It's not for acute phase illness people, it's a recovery program with group therapy, one-on-one daily with my pdoc, art therapy, trauma sensitive yoga, maybe even music therapy, this time, (last time, back in Feb, the music therapist was away).

I'm actually looking forward to it. I met some great people last time. I even met @Sideways... She's lovely.

I should go for a walk today, but it's so cold.:confused:. I went to NIA last night. Had counselling with trauma T (i see T's in my next over town that I'm trying to move into) in the morning, then, bumped into nearly-20-year-old son. Took him to lunch with my guy, then took him op shopping again. Found him a suade jacket and more suade jeans (2nd pair I've found him, he was wrapt):smug:
Saw my oldest, taking him out to lunch next week.
Special son to lunch tomorrow.
Big daughters fashion show is on in a couple of weeks or so, I'm going to that too.

I'm starting to settle, having more contact with my darlings.

It's taken me a long time to be well and stable enough to be more available to them, after what their father did to us. Plus they are not behaving like extentions of him, like they were.

My two youngest haven't had the estrangement from me, but they have still suffered from the family breakdown and sicko druggy dad shit and broken down mum.

I'm still broken, but I'm repairing

 

[littleoc]

My weight loss is going well. It's slowed down but, again, not a bad thing.

Congrats!!!

You've got a lot to do. It makes sense that you're a little quieter on the site, then.

Somehow, I thought it was impossible to meet people from this site in the real world. But anyway, I've never heard of a program like that, but it sounds absolutely amazing. I'm so glad you found something like that!

 

[mumstheword]

I did go for a walk. Son texted me, asking me if I wanted to, and then he brought a friend.
His friend and I talked a lot. Intelligent young man.
It warmed me up a lot.
Tomorrow I'm doing two NIA classes. Then taking 2ndborn to lunch.
My bestie wants to catch up with me too.
I'm definitely getting better from all the horrible triggery shit and hormonal chaos.

I just have to be mindful of the fact that
triggers happen, and just weather them while self-caring and accepting - this is me:wacky: I'm a person who has this thing.

I can't do; too social, too stimulating, too much drama, too busy, or too stressful, without repercussions.

Hospital is going to be confronting, stretching and healing. It's what I need.

I now pay top hospital cover (health insurance) and extras, so I can get my back injury, my hormone system and my teeth fixed.
I'm working to first-time proper health (hopefully) and back to being a working and first-time thriving person. I've worked and studied hard in the past but it was always the overworky desperation of someone hiding flight mode PTSD symptoms. What happens is that, eventually, I collapsed. Overwhelm.

So, self-care becomes a necessity rather than a luxury.

I didn't know what self-care was, when my children were little, although I did do some fun and reparative stuff - yoga sometimes, dancing lots, and heaps of music.
I always been a researcher, just for my own curiosity and I think it was instinctual in that my brain needed lots of reparative stimulation and my hormone system was so shot, I needed a lot of distraction, from how terrible I felt, much of the time.
I'm actually good at neural repair, when I'm not too busy pushing myself to the absolute limit and beyond. I'm learning what those limitations are and how to respect them.

 

[mumstheword]

Argh f*ck the HSC, I'm almost glad I had too much other shit going on to worry too hard about it.
You ca...

Thanks for the validation re oral musician. Yeah I didn't get a chance to do things the usual way. The bass player who owned the car that my ex and drummer first toured in, made a rule "if she comes, she has to work for her spot, she has to sing in the band." I couldn't sing for shit, at the time, but agreed. Desperation. Ex agreed, coz he wanted 16 year old, near-mute-girl vagina-on-tap. So my singing career began.

I had gotten into drama at school. I loved the fact that I got a break from being "me" and could push past my own stifling boundaries of extreme and excruciating social phobia and quietness.

So because I had stage experience I wanted to add singing to my performance artist skill set. Plus I thought the band was waay cool.

It was sooooooo excruciating for the first 5 -10 years. Sorry audiences, for what I inflicted on you!:x3::shy::oops: But, of course, like with everything, the more you do it, the better you get.

I actually had talent. I was a musical baby. One of my earliest happy memories is being in my car seat, on a long journey, in my mum's beetle, singing happily to myself, making up my own songs for the entire, many-hours journey, there and back.

I shut down though. My mum would sabotage any happiness and music skill I tried to develop as a child. So I shut down and became sullen, depressed, self-harming and anorexic.

Music has been my literal life-saver, along with the love I have for my offspring.

My ex hated that I took off, musically and would whinge that I was "a better singer than him". Hated it. Envy and low self-esteem ate him up. He sabotaged me in so many ways.

My learning to drive. My releasing any of my recorded original songs. My being able to become well. My kids getting an education and letting me have some time away from parenting. My relationship with my kids. My reputation, in this town. My sanity.

He told me, after I left and had told him I had nearly died ..."Well, I would have died! It would have been the honourable thing to do!"

That's so laughable, he is the most selfish person I know, other than my mother.

He was just trying to shame me for leaving him, instead of dying.

My being alive, in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship and reconnecting with my estranged kids, is a massive birdy and a f*ck you to my ex. (Middle finger emoticon)

 

[Swift]

Yeah.
I'm so envious of people who learn that way. I'm a books/visual person, if I see it written down I'm sweet, and I taught myself the oral skills through hours and hours of practice. It did not come naturally.
And I'm sure you weren't as bad as you think you are, but even if you were, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Your ex sounds like an utter f*cktard.
And yeah, I've been down the professional-jealousy-relationship road and promptly went f*ck that..

 

[mumstheword]

Yeah, they don't get extentions with compressed curriculum, according to dawty.
She's not behind, t...

She got exams in two weeks.
I don't know how to bring up that getting high everyday isn't going to help.
I had that conversations when she started, about her growing brain and how it wasn't good to do that to it while it's developing. How your problems pile up even more when you turn to drugs to solve them.....yadada yah, yada yah....I got really upset but that wasn't gonna help so I kinda switched off. Dissociated from how upset it made me. Now I want to revisit because she's not really coping and I think her drug habit is making things worse. Aaaaahhhh.:arghh;

 

[somerandomguy]

I think you may have to let go of any expectation that anything you say will make a difference.

Can you approach the topic with her without getting upset yourself?

 

[ladee]

Your post about your progress made my heart so happy to read. !!! Such hard work to get 'here'. And more healing on the way. :hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I think you may have to let go of any expectation that anything you say will make a difference....

Yeah I can. I have to be "not upset".

That's the thing, I'm apathetic about it because I don't think I can "make a difference" and I don't want to make things worse, she already lives at she father's all the time except for sleep, because of it (among other things) We have a good relationship I which don't see the point in jeopardizing. Anyway, she's booked in to see a doc about her anxiety today, I doubt she will be honest to him about her pot and tobacco habit though. ......sigh......

 

[mumstheword]

Yeah I can. I have to be "not upset".

That's the thing, I'm apathetic about it because I don't...

Hanging out at my besties. Feeling good :). She's on the phone at the mo.
I'm losing, losing, losing weight :) Down to 82.9 kg this morning :)
I took my guy out to brunch, coz my spesh son couldn't make it today. I'm going to see him and lunch with him on Monday instead.
I can not eat a whole meal out anymore. :joyful:That's three time now, since I started the latest weight loss venture, that I haven't been able to eat very much of the meal. My body just doesn't want much food in it, unless it's a bowl full of water and fibre rich vegies.
It's so effortless now! I'm still 17.9 kg away from my goal weight, but moving steadily closer everyday. I'm excited :laugh:.
It's a far cry from just weeks ago, when I was close to 88kg and, no doubt heading for diebetes land:eek::arghh;:mask: