Need for external validation?

[Strangelongtrip]

Hey everyone! I was wondering if anyone else who's been through narcissistic abuse also has an incredible need for external validation? For me I think it's part how I was taught, part observation, part abuse, and partly the sort of digital world we live in. I find myself needing someone else to OK my decisions all the time. I tell people before I do almost everything, or after I do almost everything, and it's like this urge, for my decisions and existence to be validated by someone. I'm working on it, I stop myself and ask myself are you sharing this for a good reason or just because you want to be validated? That's helped a lot. And accepting my sexual orientation and identity has really helped because I did that without asking anyone else, I just am what I am. Cutting my hair short has helped too. And getting the occasional piercing. It took a lot to stand up to my dad and granddad and actually take ownership of my hair and appearance without consulting them or telling them. My whole family kind of functions on a "what looks good on the outside is good for the family, doesn't matter how you actually feel" type thing. Which ties into me learning that external validation is a need to survive or have a right to exist. Okay this was kind of rambling and I also don't know if this is so meta in that I'm asking if people can externally validate that they also feel this way :woot:;):tup::joyful:

 

[Abstract]

:joyful: I just realised the same thing as I read the last part of your post. It sounds like you are self aware when it comes to this issue. It also sounds quite a lot like it is identity related for you. Have you sat down and really explored who you are? What your likes and dislikes are. Your values. Your strengths and weaknesses. Not what others expect of you but what they are.
My default is to never tell anyone anything but I can see how having a controlling father could discourage you from taking responsibility and direction for yourself.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

:joyful: I just realised the same thing as I read the last part of your post. It sounds like you are se...

Now that you brought that up....no, I don't think I have. I constantly am unsure of my identity, but I'm slowly allowing myself to like things again. I used to know who I was, but that was before a very traumatic injury that sort of took that away, along with another experience later on. I'm going to do some exploring there, I think I've had multiple traumatic events that have sort of...not robbed, but taken away my ability to do things I love, both physically and mentally. But now I'm getting better, so I guess it's time.

 

[In Exile]

I am in constant need of external validation and seeking direct from others. It's pretty scary. At least I'm aware of it now and may be able to start working on it.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I am in constant need of external validation and seeking direct from others. It's pretty scary. At lea...

It is super scary, it makes you feel so dependent on others. I have gotten WAY better in the past six months but it's unlearning two decades of behavioral impulses.

 

[Rani G2]

also has an incredible need for external validation?

@Strangelongtrip....partly yes.

partly the sort of digital world we live in. I find myself needing someone else to OK my decisions all the time

I Do have tendencies but another part who is extremely forceful when it comes to being independent is not letting me be too attachful to other peoples opinion's. I have this drive to be very straightforward and when I dislike something I say it ( Not always) its as if I test others..how much authenticity can they take? If I feel the need to " get liked" or want others approval I feel as if I get sick

 

[InExile]

It is super scary, it makes you feel so dependent on others. I have gotten WAY better in the pa...

Just being aware of it is important. I'm working with my therapist on this now. My therapist is pretty good at not getting sucked into letting me become overly dependent on him as I'm learning how to not be so dependent on people. lol

 

[T2L]

Yes. I discovered this week this applies to multiple situations I've been in. It's been years since I got out of a bad relationship. Half of me knows it was abusive, but the other half still questions reality, compares "others have it weird," etc. I reached out to a friend that knew me during the relationship and she confirmed that x, y, z happened. I also had a narcissist parent growing up. I realize now how that pattern repeated itself in my life, but I didn't think wanting outside validation possibly stemmed from that. It makes sense though since I was always told what I did, said, or felt was wrong, to get over things, or situations were completely ignored.

"worse," not "weird," sorry!

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@T2L ahh I feel you, my dad is a narcissist and my first boyfriend was, and I do the same thing. All the time. I wonder if it'll ever stop.

 

[ImSad]

This is such a big problem of mine! I feel like I’m terrible at everything I do and get extremely anxious whenever I am assigned a task without clear, step by step instructions because I feel as though my judgement will always be wrong. For instance, I’ve recently started a new job where I work mostly alone, so many of the decisions I make have to be based on my judgement. I spent the first 2 months there thinking I was doing a terrible job and would get fired. Much to my surprise, my manager and I had a meeting recently where she told me what a wonderful job I’ve been doing! But this even goes for little things, such as cooking a meal or tidying up around the house, I always feel as if I have to consult someone who must know better than me the right way to get it done. I also grew up with a narcissistic father, btw.