Feelings of shame stirred up by unresponsive therapist

[Justmehere]

She texted me back to tell me she doesn’t normally allow a phone session in replacement of an in person session, as a rule, but she would this time because she knows it’s a hard week with my job and that several weeks apart from sessions (her vacation and my insane week adding up) is hard too.

Which is nice...

Now I just feeel like a rule breaker. The last thing I wanted was for any boundaries to shift.

I feel really bad for asking. I know I shouldn’t, it’s up to her to manage her boundaries but I don’t like this. I imagine I am not going to like anything she does at the moment?

I want to run from it all. I *asked* for the phone session in place of an in person one. I did that. I asked. Now I am actually considering saying no because I don’t want her to bend her normal rules (which I didn’t know before I asked) because the shame is even worse thinking of doing that... yes, reven though she said yes and it’s totally up to her.

What the heck is going on with me?

What is the healthy thing to do here?

Because my brain wants to hop and plane and fly to another country and disappear from my entire life already... and with therapy, it’s taking all I’ve got to not just quit.

 

[scout86]

What is the healthy thing to do here?

Do the phone session. And unload as much of this as you can, as honestly as you can.

 

[Friday]

Now I just feeel like a rule breaker. The last thing I wanted was for any boundaries to shift.

It’s not breaking the rules for an exception to be made.

Spirit of the Law vs Letter of the Law.

She’s allowed to use her discretion to make a fair ruling.

And it only shifts boundaries if she didn’t both tell you she doesn’t ordinarily do this (which means she does do it sometimes, but don’t expect it to be the new normal) AND started doing this regularly.

So you’re NOT breaking the rules.
She’s NOT breaking the rules.
Boundaries are still held firmly and above board.

Now I am actually considering saying no because I don’t want her to bend her normal rules (which I didn’t know before I asked) because the shame is even worse thinking of doing that... yes, even though she said yes and it’s totally up to he

Good. All decisions are worth considering, especially bad decisions, because it lets you not make them, but make the good decision instead. So, truly, freak out about all the subtext that isn’t there, and how being special makes you want to run screaming for the hills, and set that aside as “you stuff” (to be worked on in therapy ;))... and get that all nice & out of your system... and say yes. Or thank you. Either one works. Get the sleep you need, and the phone session that will help, and be damn proud of yourself. I am.

 

[Justmehere]

Just doing the phone session would be the rational answer...

I keep thinking maybe I should just suck up the lack of sleep and go in person. I rather do that or I rather run... than do something that isn’t her normal. But doing either of those options - going in person or running away - seems just as nutty.

I need to get sleep first. It’s been a long day.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Could this be an anxiety thing? You read like your mind is in a negative feedback loop. Maybe you could focus on being grounded, comfort yourself by putting your hand on your heart and tell yourself that everything will work out as it is meant to be, that you are hurting and exhausted and this will improve as time goes forward. Hug yourself and rock and try as hard as it can be to stay in the moment. It’s really futile to second guess your therapist. Trust that she is trying to accommodate you-whatever that looks like. Can you do some stream of conciousness writing in your journal or diary to empty all the noise in your head. I hope you can get a good nights sleep. That will improve your strength and stamina.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Justmehere not sure if this is helpful, as my situation is not the same. But this is what I feel in response to your post, (just me though, and a thumbnail):

-I think you were very correct in assessing the impact, and predicting how you'd likely feel (14 hour day and the rest of it).
-I think you are very correct in knowing sleep would help.
-I think you were brave to ask for a phone session.
-I think she had the full choice to say yes or no, and no more thought needs to go in to it. (It could be argued it's an easier way to get paid, fwiw, too.) I know it doesn't change that you have 'feelings' about it.
-I know her lack of response feels dismissive. Funny, I tend now not to think badly of others when it happens, but badly about myself. (Obviously my request- "me"- is not important enough to acknowledge.) Not recommended as a thought to adopt for self-esteem, but confirmation.
-You mentioned the rupture, and perhaps over-emphasis on the 'word' regulate in your thoughts (that invariable thought process that finds semantics 'loaded' that is common with many of us). But ultimately, the word even meaning very little compared to how it might feel, it's been a rupture. The trust is lessened I'm guessing, and I'm not sure 'trusting' is something we talk ourselves in to or back in to. Especially if our core beliefs are the same.
-I think trust is critical.

So, ultimately, no matter what you choose, it's brave and may it take in to account your welfare and feelings, short and long term. You can choose to stay, quit, or anything in the middle.

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking @Justmehere , you said:

She texted me back to tell me she doesn’t normally allow a phone session in replacement of an in person session, as a rule, but she would this time because she knows it’s a hard week with my job and that several weeks apart from sessions (her vacation and my insane week adding up) is hard too.

so is this:

My therapist went on vacation for a week. Before and after the week she was gone, I asked for a phone call. She said I can always ask, and she’ll let me know. I hardly ever ask. No response. For over two weeks. I found other support.

No response to a request for a scheduling change either.

The last session left me feeling really upset with her. I emailed about it - she encourages emails, with the understanding that she will usually not respond. I shared something really shameful in the email, trying to explain I think my upset with her is probably connected to this past event and past pattern.

Maybe you would feel less inclined to be self-effacing and apologetic if she was less dismissive and evasive? And maybe why you are left with questions like the one below:

I have an appointment this Thursday. It hit me this weekend that maybe she’s not responding because she plans to quit.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

 

[Justmehere]

I got weirded out too much but he phone session, YES the one I asked for.

I also had a schedule change that made doing the appointment in person more doable. So I texted and said I’d be there in person.

Sigh.

I’ll explain it and talk it through at my appointment.

And hopefully she doesn’t get mad about my being all over the place this week, and if she does... oh well. She’ll live. Or, this is what I’m telling myself. It shouldn’t be a deal-breaker that I couldn’t figure myself out this week. Maybe it’s a sign I need therapy. Lol.

My anger and frustration is still there. Maybe it’s now turning into indifference again, but I will try to face her and face myself and talk about it this morning.

 

[MyWillow]

A phone session would totally weird me out too so we can be weird together ;)

Hope today goes well. This is grist for the mill as they say in T land :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

That went badly. She’s not quitting. But except for that, it was a terrible session.

A few weeks ago, prior to her vacation, I emailed her that I wanted to talk about a shameful thing I couldn’t email and asked she asked me about it. Then all the shame with her was stirred up.

I started off the session by telling her, “when people get close I feel like they get controlling.” She mentioned my email and asked if I wanted to talk about that too. I said yes, both. They are connected.

I brought up examples with other helping figures where closeness seems to involve control, or it feels that way. I was so careful to say it feels that way. I explained this doesn’t happen with friends. Only family and therapists.
“When you said “regulate” I felt like I was being commanded, and more importantly this is all stirring up the past trauma that no one has ever talked to me about - I’ve brought it up but we never talk it through. No therapist ever has. I want to talk about that where I was commanded by an actual perp in a helping role.”

I then gave intimate details of a specific rape trauma event. I talked about it briefly, (Yay?) and mostly about my pain of what it was like to try to talk to others but no one being willing. Or others knowing the perp confessed and was convicted and no one even asking if I was ok...
“I want to talk about all that, especially the event itself, today. Can we do that?”

I felt like I put my heart out in the line...

She said she wasn’t going to talk about it because I was triggered, and she got defensive about the interactions with her. “I don’t think I’m 100 percent to blame.”

I don’t even know why she went there, I’m sure it obvious but yeah whatever, I’m too triggered to understand anything... I’m sure that’s something to sort out...

I explained at length I am not blaming her for anything or even caring if she is to blame, but trying to explain how it feels to me. “I’m even more trying to address the underlying trauma that’s stirred up, where I don’t even blame my rapist!”

She said she wasn’t trying to hurt me.

What? I never said she was.

I told her I didn’t think she was. “Regulate” still feels like a command, even if it’s a helpful one, and I don’t know how to respond when it feels bad when you mean well.

I told her “I think you are trying to be helpful, 100 percent. I don’t think you are to blame for my being triggered by our interactions. I think the trauma is to blame and I’m doing the best I can to try and just deal with it and face it and talk this through. I don’t know what to talk about now since you don’t want to talk about the trauma or our interaction.

I asked what needs to happen so that we can talk about it.

No response. She just looked at me.

I asked what then she would like to talk about.

She said I didn’t look ok.

“I’ve been up late. This is a hard subject. I have to look ok to talk about it?” (I have never had to look ok before. She has instead told me it’s good to feel feelings in her office. So many times.)

“Your body looks tense.”

“Fine. I will work on not looking tense and regulating.”

So we sat there. I faked being fine and relaxed. I just thought about being anyplace else. I shut down.

I told her, “I don’t know what to talk about. I rather not pay more than a dollar a minute to sit in silence though. What do you suggest we do? I’m open to almost anything.”

It went downhill from there. She kept telling me I wouldn’t understand. I asked, “what is the point of therapy then if it’s not to try to understand things better, talk about trauma, or work on skills to cope to be fine enough? What am I missing?”

I wanted an actual answers. It wasn’t rhetorical.

She kept saying how we are at some kind of “core point” that I won’t understand. What? I asked again and again for her to try, just try once to explain or to then tell me what we should be doing or what I should be doing. “How can I get to a place where I am able to understand?”

She said she won’t talk about that. “That’s not how this works. I’m not going there.”

Boundary accepted, even though I’m completely lost.

I asked what are then things we can work on, she wouldn’t say.

We just sat there.

After 4 minutes of just sitting there in silence I said, “so my boundary is that I don’t pay for sessions sitting in silence working on nothing. I’m angry I don’t get to even talk about...” and I said a graphic detail of the trauma.

I don’t know why I did that. I just threw it at her.

She just looked at me.

I walked out and broke down sobbing as I did. To be frank, I self injured in the bathroom to be super chill. So. Yeah. I should have just gone home. No I didn’t tell her I did that.

I went back in and I explained again my entire goal was to address this but she’s not interested and she’s also not spelling out what it would take to get to the point we can talk about it. She’s also not suggesting another option. “I’m at a loss and I’m not willing to pay for session where we just stare at each other in silence the whole hour. So either we end now, and I go on about my day, or we use this time for some therapeutic purpose that is explained to me. I’m ready to be done if there isn’t anything to talk about today.” I pulled out my walled ready to pay for the time.

She said we don’t enough time anyhow to talk about it. I told her that’s not true, we have talked about plenty of hard things we couldn’t wrap up it resolve in the hour. We have talked about freaking attempted murder with 5 minutes and I left and was just fine. So many times I’ve left without any containment work at the end, and I’m just fine. “We have 30 minutes left. I don’t want to fully process it or etc, all I want to do is talk about one thing I have avoided and everyone else has avoided for ages. Just actually dialogue about the event as an act to stop avoiding it and ‘bring it into the room’ as you say since it’s already here.”

10 more minutes of us not getting anywhere. I offered to do any other subject she wanted to address. She didn’t suggest anything.

Around and around we went. It was so weird and maddening.

10 minutes towards the end of the session she asked if I wanted to share the story of what happened. Yes! Damn it.

All she knows about this incident is I was raped and by whom and the few graphic details I threw out in this horrible session. Nothing else. We have really never talked about it.

By then I was so done. I said a few things. She was fine about it. I guess. Every wall I had was up at this point. As I shared a few more details flatly, it seemed to make more sense to her why I wanted to talk about it so f*cking badly as part of the solution to my concerns with her. She offered to go over on time and I said no, I have to get to work... because I did have to get back to work.

She asked me if I wanted to keep talking about it next time.

I said, “yes. I guess.”

I asked if our relationship is ok enough on her end to continue on. She said yes.

I paid and left.

Wtf.

What even just happened?

 

[scout86]

What even just happened?

I have NO idea. I hope someone else has an idea.

“Your body looks tense.”

“Fine. I will work on not looking tense and regulating.”

So, you probably looked tense because you were tense, right? That seems like a pretty reasonable way to feel, under the circumstances. What did you mean by your reply to her? Were you being sarcastic? Did you think she didn't approve of you being tense? Something else?

The whole "you wouldn't understand it" thing would drive me nuts. I can't come up with a good reason to say that, whether she thinks it's accurate or not.

I hope all of this becomes clearer as you get a chance to talk it through!

 

[Justmehere]

So, you probably looked tense because you were tense, right? That seems like a pretty reasonable way to feel, under the circumstances. What did you mean by your reply to her? Were you being sarcastic? Did you think she didn't approve of you being tense? Something else?

It could have came across as sarcastic... I didn’t quite mean it as sarcastic but rather “ok let’s do that then” and let’s do it your way and your words.

Anything...

I wasn’t soft about it. I wasn’t vulnerable in my attitude. My words may have been right but my body language was probably all “no.”

She has invited me to have any emotion including anger, even at her, and it has never ever mattered I walk out the door happy. She’s always said, “oh good, let’s work with that emotion” and has expressed being execited I feel and am expressing anything.

Now it’s regulate all of it before we even talk - which ok, I can do that too. I do it all week.

But when does the talking happen?

Why the shift and why is now just looking tense an issue? Let me look tense! I wasn’t yelling, I wasn’t talking loudly, I was glad to hear her out...

I’m so at a loss.

I have life threatening neglect in my history, so I know being met with a blank stare and a silent room is a trigger. I was actively doing many things to try to downgrade any trigger with that, which usually she asks me to not do that because of the type of trauma work we do.

I’m so confused. I don’t get it. I feel like I was supposed to hit a moving and invisible target.