Adult literacy issues with relative; how do i handle it?

[TruthSeeker]

@Justmehere and @Bkinder, of course it would be ideal to build a...

Then you can only attempt to tread gently and hope for the best. I wish you good luck.

I'm just going out of state back to where I was. I do feel guilt, shame and embarrassment over the who...

I see “fixer” all over this idea- I know the fixer role well- I got an A plus in fixer 101 and all my life- not everyone wanted or thought they needed my help when I did- but no matter how hard I tried, or how hard I’d help, most of the time things didn’t turn out like I thought they should have. I’m really trying hard not to go there again. Consider exploring literacy issue with few or no expectations.

 

[Neverthesame]

I'm not really understanding your motive here. You don't seem to give a damn about this person really. In your last post alone you inferred they are overly vain and unintelligent.
You're also planning to cut them out of your life after this visit anyway?

Why the hell does it matter then if they learn to read or not?
Just chuck a copy of the Webster's at them, or "See Spot Run", or get them a library card or something. It sounds like you don't plan to follow up on this. Do whatever you think will give you the instant gratification of being the caring sibling and leave it at that.

To really help someone with something like this requires patience, care and effort. None of which you seem to want to give your sister.

I could, but frankly, I'm a lot smarter than she is, and I think that I would have better ideas. I'm thinking we will bounce some ideas around. Obviously, I'm not deaf to her input.

Honestly. If I found out this was what the "caring family member" in my life thought of me? I know exactly where I'd suggest they should bounce their ideas.

You really want to do something nice? Get her a few audiobooks or something. You can't give someone literacy with a parting gift.
Hopefully they don't actually need to become literate to assuage your guilt. As you're not likely to accomplish it like this.

But whatever, do what you want. Hope it helps you.

 

[Dana1010]

Why the hell does it matter then if they learn to read or not?

Seriously? It matters because I want her to have a happy, prosperous life and be a person whom others respect. We're both adults with our own lives. So I don't want to get us joined at the hip; that in no way means that I don't give a damn about her.

 

[Neverthesame]

Then I'm a little confused by your meaning behind "going no contact"?
That usually means to cease interaction with someone.

What does it mean to you?

 

[Dana1010]

Then I'm a little confused by your meaning behind "going no contact"?
That usually means to cease interaction with someone.

What does it mean to you?

It means I'll be in a different state so ceasing interaction is pretty much inevitable. I'm open to checking on her through email occasionally to give her guidance. I'm dealing with an avalanche of painful memories here and doing the best I can.

 

[Neverthesame]

If providing her with some sort of tangible quality of life improvement is so paramount to your own well-being?
I really would suggest waiting for a better time, or trying to help with something quicker and easier. Trying to cram a massive project such as teaching someone to read and write while already feeling overwhelmed, into such a short period of time, has huge potential to backfire on you.
If you're not in a place to deal with that possibility, I'd seriously recommend putting this on the back burner for a while untill you are.

 

[Dana1010]

Trying to cram a massive project such as teaching someone to read and write while already feeling overwhelmed, into such a short period of time, has huge potential to backfire on you.

I won't be the one teaching. I am spending one day with her, and all I'm aiming to do is point her in the right direction and give her the resources she needs.

 

[Justmehere]

Try to let go of the guilt and embarrassment about the matter before you go. I know, so so easy to say, so hard to do.

I hope you find some peace of mind in the midst of this.

She’s gotta have some smarts to make it this far in life without being able to read very well. I hope that she is receptive to the gift.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I won't be the one teaching. I am spending one day with her, and all I'm aiming to do is point her in...

Do you think she’ll be receptive with you dropping in, telling her how to fix her screwed up life( she can’t read), waving your wand with a literacy fix then basically disappearing? I might reconsider.?

Seriously? It matters because I want her to have a happy, prosperous life and be a person whom others...

It’s hard to care about people we don’t want to call family- I mean not really. I have learned the hard way that just because we have the same last names that doesn’t mean we feel like family. Some days I feel like there should be more to my family relationships- but they got screwed up a long time ago and no amount of dreaming on my part can change my family history. It kinda sucks-and I do wish it were different.

 

[Dana1010]

It’s hard to care about people we don’t want to call family- I mean not really.

No kidding. I mean, it's not hard to care about them, but to take steps in the real world to demonstrate it is the hard part. It doesn't mean it is not worth the effort especially, if the person is in need of help.

I feel like you and Neverthesame are spending a lot of energy casting a negative shadow over my efforts and am starting to suspect gaslighting.

 

[Muttly]

Well, others have also voiced concerns over your plan, @Bkinder and @Neverthesame have just been the most vocal. When enough people question an idea, it's often wise to pause and consider if there's something to their feedback. At least, that's what I tend to think.

I have to say I am in agreement with what others are saying here. If your greatest motivation is guilt, even if your gift is great in all other ways, there's a high likelihood for problems. People tend to pick up on guilt as a motivation and it can create barriers. And if your primary goal is to fix her, she's going to pick up on that too.

If she's in another state, why is ceasing contact all but inevitable? Are you not interested in building a relationship? Long distance relationships of all sorts can work.

Imagine, if she came to town with the goal of providing you with a resource to fix your PTSD (I'm assuming you have PTSD) and then left. How would that set with you?

If you don't maintain contact, how will you even know if your plan worked? What would happen if you lived with your guilt or addressed it in other ways besides trying to fix her literacy? And do you believe if your plan works, which is very uncertain, and she becomes more literate, your guilt will be gone? Or is there some deeper layer of guilt or unresolved feeling this?

 

[Dana1010]

Imagine, if she came to town with the goal of providing you with a resource to fix your PTSD (I'm assuming you have PTSD) and then left. How would that set with you?

It would set fine with me. I would think, "I can't believe she was thinking about me enough to find a solution and go out of her way to deliver it to me in an act of concern and good will. This is a super hero."

And do you believe if your plan works, which is very uncertain, and she becomes more literate, your guilt will be gone? Or is there some deeper layer of guilt or unresolved feeling this?

Um, it would make me happy that she is doing better and more equipped to take care of herself and be successful. I wouldn't worry about it so much. Why are you zeroing in on me, me, me and my guilt? Can't I just want what is best for another person?