@scout86 My T (she) has made it clear that she wants to change my negative thinking. Which is a tall order, since its existed for over 40 years when things happened. And yes this T is a good fit for me, less threatening than the last. And this one has done something others haven't or won't and that is take the time to read voluminous records and abuse history so she can understand how my mind reacts and processes. And I am able to tell her about feelings of self-harm and she does not run off petitioning me, instead we work together to get through it.
At times when we have talked about actual abuse moments she zoomed in on aspects of those moments using that information to help me parse the feelings, so I know she took the time to learn about me. I also know the whole treatment team is aware of some aspects as she told me in the beginning she spent an entire treatment team meeting discussing my history and case (I am assuming that is to get feedback and ideas from the team as well as to inform them in case of an emergency).
Your paragraph about bad luck could not be more off, you will understand when I describe why now, in 1977 I was placed by social services with a for-profit group home entity that established to fill a need at the time as there was a national crisis on foster home and other placements. So it solved a crisis the higher ups at DSS were happy about so the social workers at the bottom did not want to lose there jobs by rocking the boat when they got reports of abuse. DSS is charged with the duty by CAPTA (federal law) of taking, investigating, and referring for prosecution or court intervention reports of abuse. The place was a den of abuse of all 3 forms of abuse, my sister was also placed there until she was smart enough to run away and stay that way until she turned 18. She was 14 when a male staff member had intercourse with her, which is statutory rape. I was raped 3 times myself there, 1 being by a staff member, Sex abuse, physical abuse, and mental abuse we a constant there, in fact the latter was so bad I am literally incapable of using or interpreting non-verbal communication, because one part of the abuse was using non-verbal communication as a reason to abuse or continue to abuse more. So when you say BAD LUCK, that does not come close, the abuse was systematic, purposeful and done by people who were supposed to be helping me not abusing me and others, and purposefully and intentionally allowed to continue unabated by DSS the very agency that was charged by Federal Law with the duty of receiving abuse reports, and investigating them, and referring them for action. Instead I was told "I am not going to do anything about it, learn to live with it". In the end they discarded me like trash making me homeless and incapable of caring for myself. Where I eventually had to survive by sleeping in parking garages, coping with alcohol, and prostitution to keep from starving. Someone had to die before there was an outcry to shut them down. And even then the DSS agencies that knew about the years of abuse and looked the other way, claimed the statement "we didn't know" which is bunk because I personally told the DSS I was a ward of about the abuse. The funny thing I was a ward of the court, so it was like court enforced abuse, when I ran away they had a juvenile runaway warrant out for me. And I was returned to the den of abuse to continue my fate.
They were eventually shut down in 1985, it took someone who was a client of the place to die by murder before there was an outcry to shut them down. To give you an idea how this place was, when Tammy Agee was murdered they did not report her missing for over a week. Responsible they should have reported it the same evening, especially considering how vulnerable she was being developmentally challenged.
So it is very hard for me to see the world in any way other than a threat, trust requires faith in someone, I can't trust simply because it opens up the doorway to threats I cannot handle because of the nature of trust, and in the past those who I trusted, who were charged with the duty to protect me from harm did the opposite.
Being open to change as you stated in the last paragraph, well it's not so much that as it is that's all I have left but to continue trying despite the likelihood it won't change much, I do say however I have a lot to build on, so chances are better than in the past. The alternative is to be locked up on a long term psych unit somewhere where I will eventually meet my end. In 1986 I stopped trying and found myself waiting for a bed in such a placement and a long term state hospital. I avoided that by trying again. I know the moment I stop trying and stay that way, that its a matter of time before the sheriff shows up to take me away for such care. So I try and try any ways.
I can give create however that availing myself to trying has opened up avenues of coping skills learned from PHP, DBT, Trauma Unit, etc. that have made it easier to cope with the trauma. It's a drop in the bucket, or 1 step up a mountain that has so many steps it can never be climbed. Nevertheless I find myself trying the climb those steps. I sort of have to, there is nothing left by to try what appears impossible
And no I don't think I have skills to detect untrustworthy people, because that requires the ability to trust to start with. As to surviving, well I am alive, but that can be a negative for me, as to surviving, no I did not survive. The damage done has left me with nothing but pain and struggle, and little to live for.
I will continue trying, I don't see any other direction but to do so. Giving up completely I have been down that route, and all it did was get me locked up for my own safety, with diminishing chances of release.
You said that some of us probably feel this want sometimes, for me, it seems to be most of the time. I think at time being still alive, I am struggling to find good reasons to stay alive.
