General Supporters, how did you move on?

[JM318]

My 4 year relationship ended... usually I’m a basket case for a week or 2, lose 10 lbs then learn to enjoy my life and not worry about relationships. This time there was no tears, I didn’t pray as much as I normally would, and I didn’t try to decipher things. I think subconsciously I just knew I had to move on this time and that I can’t keep doing this. I was a part of an unstable and growing to be an unhealthy relationship. Nothing would ever change unless help was sought out. I know that won’t happen. So how did you move on? I feel like I failed the relationship, but there’s nothing more that I could have done to save it.

 

[Sighs]

Come sit by me.

Mine was five years and I endured emotional, verbal, financial and physical abuse. I excused far too much of that because of his combat PTSD.

He has already moved on – back online dating two weeks after I left. So I guess I have no option but to move on. I am making a lot of plans to rebuild a life I can be happy In, but I just can’t see how I will ever trust a man again.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[JM318]

Come sit by me.

Mine was five years and I endured emotional, verbal, financial and physical abuse. I exc...

Is this recent for you too? We split the end of May. We split a few times before and I never moved on then, I kind of enjoyed the time to myself and prayed a lot for us, but I always knew we’d find each other again. This time I’m stuck between holding onto hope or moving on. Everyone tells me to move on, and I think I know the best thing for me is to move on... but I know I’ll never truly move on (or maybe I just feel that way). I just feel like he was it, my best friend, my partner in life... how can this tear us apart and why doesn’t he want to get help to fix it? He’d rather lose me/us then get the help he needs?

 

[OrangeJulius]

He’d rather lose me/us then get the help he needs?

I know I have read a lot of your posts but I can't remember your story exactly. This comment is to this quote only. I don't think this is a "he'd rather" situation. To me, that reads more like he's taking the path of least resistance. Admitting he needs help, asking for help, and going through the process of getting help (confronting all the trauma he's experienced head on).....that sounds a helluva lot harder than dealing with a break up. And that's not a negative statement towards you at all....but the trauma is just SO BAD. Even the prospect of losing an AWESOME you and an awesome relationship is "easier" than having to confront an deal with the trauma because the trauma is so horrendously awful.

 

[Sighs]

I left on 24 June so yes, very recent.

I also feel like my ex has chosen to crash and burn our relationship and blame me for it rather than deal with his issues. I know his issues are huge but I literally made him my first priority and sacrificed everything else for him so it stings like hell that he won’t do the same for me!

 

[JM318]

I know I have read a lot of your posts but I can't remember your story exactly. This comment is to...

Thank you OrangeJulius that does make a lot of sense

I left on 24 June so yes, very recent.

I also feel like my ex has chosen to crash and burn our relation...

Sighs - I know exactly the feeling, I’m in the same situation. I know it seems like a cliche on this site, but the best advice I can give you is to focus on yourself. My dog died 4 years ago and I never thought about getting another dog because my vets dog didn’t get along with other animals. So what did I do to help me cope? I got a dog. I wasn’t looking for one but my friend called and said his friend was looking to rehome her 1 year old German Shepherd bc she was relocating out of state. I said yes! She distracts me from falling into depression, and has made my heart so full the last few weeks. I’m not saying go make a big commitment and get a dog or buy a new car but do something for YOU and keep focusing on yourself and your goals. Things will get better in time and we are all here for you! :)

 

[Justme5721]

I wish I could tell you or even myself how to move on. My husband left June 15 without a fight without a word. I left one day for a couple hours and came back to him gone and havent heard a word from him. All the conflicting emotions are overwhelming but I'm taking it one day at a time and start therapy Monday for the anxiety i now have. This site is so great though and makes me feel like I'm not alone.

 

[dulcia]

I started re-learning (and re-loving) my self as an individual. Exploring things I used to enjoy that I hadn't been doing (or couldn't do) with my ex.

 

[KULawHawk]

Thanks for sharing, and sorry to revive an old thread- I hope that's okay?

I think that's the part that perplexes me most.
I fully admit that break ups can be harder on me sometimes than even deaths have been in the past. Obviously, not every relationship, but 2, maybe 3 have been brutal. It may seem odd, but with a death, there's a finality to it, not a person still walking around in the world but gone .

So, my confusion is in leaving space open for their return, and trying to move on. They seem like opposite positions. Other's suggested dating, and to be honest, I don't typically have any problem in finding a number of women that I could go out with. That doesn't mean they're the right person for me, and I flirted with the idea, and briefly met / talked with a few, but ultimately it felt dishonest.

I'm not in a position to jump from someone who is/was one of the 2 great loves of my life, and it felt sleezy to go out with someone and mislead them if I didn't feel like I was actually available for a relationship at this point. Feels like using someone as your own emotional crutch or to mask to grief of her abruptly with no warning cutting me out of her life. The reasons for the break up weren't related to our relationship, but after the anniversary of her brother's suicide, followed by about a month of constant high stress events happening 1 after another, she all of sudden wouldn't see me- even in public, or talk on the phone. A few weeks of only contact through text and then she texts me that she thinks she is better alone / single, and is moving out of state mid next year likely.

I have no idea what to make of it. There's been no communication for a month, but I am trying to figure out how to move on and let her know that she can reach out if she chooses & I'm not going to be angry, upset, or press her to have to explain herself. Basically, just assure her she's not going to be triggered by my reaction if she was to contact me.


So, how do others leave the door open for return, but also move on if I may ask?


Thanks!

 

[HopefulD]

It's been very hard for me to move on. Mainly because I still love him and have much empathy and compassion this time around. Before when this would happen I had alot of anger. I've educated myself since then a great deal on combat PTSD and I now understand this has nothing to do with me. He has mental trauma much like your girlfriend. They have to help themselves first. It's very hard for me to just walk away. I am certain he has damaged other relationship's with friends and family and that makes me worry about a support system for him. I know I cannot fix him. That doesn't take away my feelings. He has the ability to compartmentalize and shut out people and emotions. I do not. I think for many of us we can't just flip off the light switch and shut the door so to speak. So like many of us supporters we go through a grieving process. Much like a death. And then sometimes they will pop up and even with boundaries, history repeats itself. I think grieving and coming to a point of acceptance and understanding that we can only tell them the door will always be open. No pressures no questions asked. Which is what I've done with mine. Giving them a safe space to reunite where they don't feel they need to explain themselves. Or apologize for something beyond their control. In other words supporting them positively in hopes they will get help. Without the positive and the friendship I'm certain that negatively impacts them even more. On top of their own added guilt and self deprecation. So yes very hard to move on until we as supporters can process and grieve. That takes time for us. It won't be overnight. I wish it was easier.