What do you look for in a healthy relationship/partner?

[ILoveLife]

That's wonderful Eve. I'm happy for you.
:)

 

[Anana]

And I m very frustrated. In spite of awful experience I still I want healthy relationships but they are impossible of me unhealthy, and im sincereily happy for you, for your supporters who understand your "switches off" but i really have strong doubts I 'll meet anyone who will stand it.

Oh sorry for that off top, what do i look in relationships? Understanding and honesty

 

[EveHarrington]

And I m very frustrated. In spite of awful experience I still I want healthy relationships but they are i...

It’s a struggle for sure!

My longest relationship was in college, about a year and a half I think? Since then I haven’t had anything longer than about 6 months. I feel like a relationship failure! My current interest is just the opposite. Only a few relationships but they’ve all been long term. And yes, I’m in my 30’s now so you can see why I feel like a failure, can’t maintain a long term relationship.

But, things can get better. My current interest started as a friendship last December. I suggest just focusing on friendships for now. I know it sounds cliche but it’s true...

 

[Deleted member 47099]

This question has been bugging me for a while...

When I went into my last relationship, I knew deeply what I was looking for... I'm 40 now and have had enough (positive) relationships to learn from to know what is important to me.

The thing is, my ex had ALL of that and more (it seemed) - and I checked thoroughly and wisely but still got it wrong!! :confused: :O_o: :cautious: And the relationship went weird and then bad like a nuclear meltdown...

Truly the SINGLE MOST CONFUSING exerience of my life.

Now I'm completely questioning myself and what I look for in a relationship!! :p

The breakup was 2 years ago and has *finally* stopped hurting, but right now I don't have a clue "what I'm looking for".

Emotional maturity?
No game playing?
Courage?
No BS?

I have nooooo idea :roflmao:

Ophelia, get thee to a nunnery!! :laugh:

 

[EveHarrington]

No game playing!

I don’t do jealousy! This is an interesting one as my new interest talked about not doing the jealousy thing awhile ago, when we were still getting to know each other as friends. He hates that his ex’s were jealous. I hated that my ex was jealous in manipulative ways. “Tell me the story behind that ring you wear.” OMG *rolls eyes* I bought the ring over ten years ago for myself! No, it’s not a present from an ex.

So last night my current guy was struck by jealousy when a new guy friend called me. (Yes, it was just a friendship, and my guy heard the entire conversation...nothing inappropriate was said in the least.) He was thrown for a loop because that’s the first time he’s felt jealous when it comes to a partner. I felt confused, too, as I had done nothing wrong. He’s still working through his feelings. I’m ok with it, I think (not mad).

 

[Deleted member 47099]

He was thrown for a loop because that’s the first time he’s felt jealous when it comes to a partner. I felt confused, too, as I had done nothing wrong. He’s still working through his feelings. I’m ok with it, I think (not mad).

Hah! I bet you were both confused :)
I think if you've both experienced negative jealousy in the past, then yeah, you'll both have alarm bells going off about it.
As someone who's never been subjected to negative jealousy before, I would like to say that there is such a thing as "mild, healthy jealousy".
I understand that if jealousy is triggering for either/ both of you, this may be a difficult concept...?
But the mild-and-healthy variety would just be an expression of "Hey, I want you to be mine" on an emotional level.
If you have a healthy relationship to your own and your partner's jealousy, then you can tell yourself "Ach, stop it!" when it turns up...
It's kinda like having a mild-normal-healthy wish to eat tons of chocolate but telling yourself not to, cos it would be stoopid to eat chocolate all the time.
So, I think it's possible to *feel* mild-and-healthy jealousy and then to consciously tell yourself that it's silly and to stop it...
I mean, my dog does this! :laugh:
If I pay "too much" attention to another dog, he steps in an reminds me in a silly-stoopid way that HE IS MY DOG and that I shall not have any emotional affairs with OTHER DOGS thank you very much :laugh::roflmao:
Crossing my fingers for you that you and your guy have got a case of "mild-and-healthy" jealousy and will find a way of feeling comfortable with it!

 

[EveHarrington]

Hah! I bet you were both confused :)
I think if you've both experienced negative jealousy in the past, th...

Lol, I hope this is just the mild and healthy type! When I’m with someone I have eyes for only him.

My guys ex was jealous of me from the beginning of our friendship and it really pissed him off because we really were just friends. (They broke up months before I had even met him for the first time.) They were doing the “let’s be friends” thing after the breakup, which never works! The jealousy sealed the end of all contact between them, even though her jealous behavior continues to this day. (Small town, people talk...)

So maybe this helps to explain why his jealous feelings threw him for a loop and put him in a bad place.

 

[Candleflames]

Interesting thread that is very well put and informative. I like the many perspectives and I'd like to chime in. First you should know that I am polyamorous (poly=many and amorous=loving) and I have two romantic partners. I'm married to my husband of 22 years and my girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years. There's ups and downs and sometimes its hard and while we sometimes disagree we rarely ever fight. I also date.

So my personal requisites are
1. Transparency - Open and honest communication about everything, especially emotions, needs, and boundaries.
2. A basic understanding of relationship theories.
3. Some kind of connection or chemistry
4. Flexibility to negotiate everything else
5. An absence of arbitrary rules of control

My partners and I do a lot of talking. We talk about everything until there is nothing left to do but sit and enjoy the silence. It's a lovely experience to talk through difficult emotions, like jealousy and envy, then come to an understanding that everyone is happy with and lay together in silence just feeling.

In the polyamorous community we distinguished between jealousy and envy. Both are painful to experience and everyone is capable of them. The difference is that jealousy stems from a feeling of possessiveness (that's mine) and envy stems from some need not articulated (I want something equivalent). Talking it through to figure out the root is beneficial.

I'm glad you are seeking other perspectives. It sounds like you've made a lot of progress in you journey through ptsd. Best of luck with this new chapter in your life!