Dom Violence I'm really struggling - lonely & sad without abusive ex. how long is the grieving going to take?

[Teasel]

Thanks :-) planned a good deal though always thinking on it and what needs doing next :-)
It helps reading from those like you who've done it already :singing::tup:

 

[Slushie]

That's great to hear, aww thank you :) I still have serious ups and downs, plus I have had some serious toothache since Thursday, it looks like I might be getting an extraction pretty soon :inpain:

 

[Teasel]

Ouch! Well wishes :)

 

[Slushie]

Thanks @berlinda, two teeth definitely need extracted but I have to wait.. How long I don't know.. So I got temporary fillings today, then I went to IKEA for a few things I needed and am now sipping pear cider through a straw :whistling:

 

[Teasel]

am now sipping pear cider through a straw :whistling:

Lol enjoy :D
Reminds me I must go dentist too!

 

[Slushie]

I feel really sad, keep crying randomly again, feels like it was all my fault and I feel there was no one for me in this world except for my ex. I ruined it :(

 

[Ronin]

@Slushie, if they were there for you in the ways they were... they did not do a very good job at it. Hardly something you ruined. Two to tango, remember? If your ex was so stellar, they would work they part at holding you and the relationship up, and b, if you are truly that good at wrecking beauty things... would not let you wreck THAT one. :)

So it really was not you.

 

[Teasel]

Aww @Slushie I'm gonna remind you of things yuu prolly already goddam know - encouraging you to feel bad because o the way they treat you is something only arsewipes do.

A healthy telationship never makes you feel like YOU are wrong - a healthy relationship tries genuinely to sort out
conflicts to the satisfaction of both parties.

Growing up with any kind of history of abuse can make you v vulnerable to further abusive relationships / being furthere victimised.

if I was within 50 miles of you I'd drive thee and give you a big fat hug.

I absolutely relate to the pain of feeling like you have no-one. It's a lot to deal with. I'm trying to believe peeps who say it's not because I'm horrible. Whatcha reckon?
SI tying with you :hug:

 

[TruthSeeker]

I left my abusive ex 15 months ago and I have hit a wall it seems, I feel incredibly lonely and sad wit...

Disbelief/ denial, Anger, depression, and acceptance-
I had to totally disconnect myself and not speak to him except for business to stop the waves of intense anger or depression. No texting, no phone or emails about past history anymore. It has been 13 months separated and he still hasn’t finished the divorce from his end. My husband was a fix it guy and quite handy, but I don’t ask for his help- I’ll do w/o before I’ll invite him over. Ending it from my end in my head and setting clear divorce boundaries and sticking to them, a separate email address checked once a week, a separate phone- hooked to computer ( Magic Jack) cheaper- for all people I designated not as close friends- but now more like an acquaintance-treating him differently was the only way I managed to move forward. I wish you good luck and it will get better...,when you get tired of hoping things were different and focus on moving forward in your new life. In the meantime, I’ll send you positive energy!
Good luck!

 

[Whirlwind]

feels like it was all my fault and I feel there was no one for me in this world except for my ex. I ruined it :(

Slushie...I am sorry it feels this way but I truly believe it can and will change. I learned something along the way...some of my deep hopeless feelings and sense of loss. They call them "emotional flashbacks" and they can make things seem really dark.

What was ruined in my marriage and life was the fantasy of what we should have had...what I thought he was. It took me a long time to stop blaming myself for the "marriage failure" but how was it my fault? He even admits it wasn't me! He just thinks I had it "so good" I should have tolerated the abuse because the rest was so good. And he "can't help it" for an excuse.

My husband was Mr. Wonderful, to everyone. So losing the pretend him...is a massive loss but it WASN'T the real him. The real him stands over me while I am crying my guts out and imitates me in a falsetto sneering at me in disgust. The REAL him tells me he is sick of my "health problems". I had a severe unexpected issue and needed surgery) and decided to divorce me as I was headed for surgery because "better things to do than deal with me".

Please consider writing down the REAL moments with your ex. When you feel bad...read them and remember the reality.

I saw mine recently as we have something outstanding. His manipulative gaslighting and sudden shift in behavior from charming to scary was startling and I know better. He wants something and the drama begins again. The whole situation was so upsetting it has taken me weeks to recover and I'm still not 100%. My point is...the good that I remember is bits embedded in a tapestry of abuse. Even the good moments....were they really that good? I was sick with stress and afraid all of the time. That was the reality.

There is a LOT in the world for you! Wonderful special moments places and people.....and we all have to stay strong and push ourselves to get out in the world amongst others and we'll find it. I am sure of it.

Take care, Whirlwind

 

[TruthSeeker]

@berlinda ....those nasty stages of grief....denial, depression, anger....and eventually acceptance....and they left out "moodiness"-I think that is a phase (the first three stages) is what I've found with my recent divorce.....but in my case....until I was ready to turn in a new direction, and divorce the things associated with him, the reminders, the photos, things that he gave me...and decide to make my home reflect "me" and stop communicating with him, .....I was an emotional mess and I pined for things to be different....but I decided one day that he didn't want to be divorced, and he had been controlling and abusive for 25 years....and now that I'm gone...if I allow-I won't even be there and he'll be controlling. I had to recognize my freedom, embrace it, and find a new me (still working hard on that...but it is taking shape!) I lost weight, take art lessons, do my T of course and I am making headway....I have more time to do the homework, and I'm traveling...to people who want me in their home and want me to spend time. It feels good....and my environment is predictable....nobody is criticizing me, being vulgar, screwing up a holiday with attitude......life is looking a little better each day....so I have faith that your's will too! It's time to hink about you for a change...and good luck!

@Whirlwind -your husband and mine could have been twins! Same Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hide-the kids and grandkids, as well as neighbor and doctor saw the good generous front or part of my husband the narcissist and I only got one flavor-the really crappy hurtful stingy abusive part of him. My life is looking up but it has been almost a year and a half since the separation.....and a year since I moved out.

 

[Slushie]

You guys are awesome :happy: And you are right! And I cried reading your posts. You're all right, thanks all of you for the support and advice, I'm taking it all on board. I will get through this, I believe I will.

And that is a great idea about writing down the REAL things. So I will do it, I'm drained and confused and worried but I know it will help