DID I have did and i'm really struggling...

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Congruency

Policy Enforcement
I have only had marginal success with it (even the trauma-sensitive yoga),
The one I'm doing is called thoracic opening or something like that. It focuses on the upper body more than the lower body. I've got tightness in my upper body for certain. And this version, made for sitting in a chair, seems to be opening up my breathing, chest, and heart.

And it sounds like you're continuing to have a lot of struggles. Is it better? Does it get better? I was diagnosed with the DID almost two years ago. My T and psychiatrist say they're seeing progress, and feel that they've landed on the right combo of diagnoses that seem to exacerbate the DID issues. But I get so despairing and hopless sometimes because they say it could be many years before deep healing happens. How do you feel about your process?
I integrated a whole slew of alters back in 2005/6.

Then for five to six years there wasn't a peep out any alters. I assumed during that time that they were no more alters. Wrong. When my mother died in 2010, a flooding of memories occurred along with the emergence of more alters.

It took fourteen years with the same T for me to see the integration of many alters, parts, and fragments. I had poly-fragmentation DID so there were a lot of pieces to put together. Also I spent four years with that T working through abuse by another T. So ten years working on the DID/memories. For me it was like this working through memories:

If you’re going through hell keep going. ~Winston Churchill~

No matter what came up I kept going through it. It wasn't easy. And it's the same way now. I slog through whatever comes up. It works and has worked for fourteen years my old T. I didn't focus so much on the alters, parts, and fragments who were emerging after awhile as I did what happened to create them. I used to keep a meticulous account of all of them until it got ridiculous in number. Then I decided to stop counting and worrying about who's who and focus on the hellish memories emerging and getting through them. I was putting together a gigantic jigsaw puzzle called my childhood. That became the most important part of my healing and still is.
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
@Congruency, thank you for responding to my question. You have enormous courage and persistence; it is inspiring that you have kept at healing for all these years. And horrifying that you had abuse from a therapist added to the already overwhelming mix.
I was putting together a gigantic jigsaw puzzle called my childhood. That became the most important part of my healing and still is.
Yes, this feels like what I am trying to do too. Bit like my mind shattered (and my heart) and I didn't even really know it. Now I'm trying to fit the shards together without cutting myself, in a pattern that makes some sort of sense. Then, perhaps, I can glue them all together, or at least some of them.
The one I'm doing is called thoracic opening or something like that.
I will definitely have to look into this.
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
I think the manic stuff has finally calmed down. I slept last night. Not well, but longish (8 hours!!!)--managed to stay in bed even though the nightmares sent my nervous system into wild mode. I have decided to wait a bit before another trial of mood stabilizer. I need to think more about it because I know if there's not some overall agreement in my system, it won't work anyway or it will do weird and unpleasant things to me.

Today, more of what psychiatrist (whom I've nicknamed "Wags") said yesterday is filtering through the system. I don't want to take meds. at all. She's okay with this but feels they would really help me. I asked, "If I do what you're suggesting, and it works, will I be able to do the trauma work?" Part of my problem is that all the PTSD symptoms zooming through from parts keep my system mostly revved up. And she said I would. That the ADHD meds will help stabilize my wild brain that alternates from super-hyper-focus to complete disorganization (that part is already happening on the Strattera; I have gotten more clarity and managed some co-consciousness, which is what made me start this thread in the first place).

She said that now we need to find a mood stabilizer that will help balance the manic and depressed energies that so often occur at the same time and leave me unable to do any trauma processing at all without falling over one edge or the other. And THEN I can go at the trauma processing in with more consistency with my therapist (who I call "Yoda"). For the past four years, I have been able to do some processing, but only in those periods of time between "episodes" and too often doing that just sets off extremes of the other issues because I get so exhausted (especially with the chronic fatigue syndrome and the fibromyalgia) that my body just can't manage it all. Argh.

Today I have to drive a long way to see the integrative medicine doctor who is treating my epstein-barr issue and will start me on meds for the mold toxicity. I am holding out some cautious hope that this treatment will be the key to resolving my pain and fatigue, for I've read that CIRS can mimic so many of the issues with which I have been diagnosed. So fingers crossed. I don't know how long the detox takes, or how hard it is going to be on my body.

I truly and deeply appreciate all the feedback from you folks who have slogged through this thread. It really helps me. I probably ought to shift the thread over to a diary, but I already have one of those. But somehow I feel like I am starting down a completely new path in my healing.
 

pixel

MyPTSD Pro
Now I'm trying to fit the shards together without cutting myself, in a pattern that makes some sort of sense. Then, perhaps, I can glue them all together, or at least some of them.
Here's a thought...

The whole world tells us that we need to integrate, come together, be one, unite, etc etc etc.
How does that make us feel? Well, for me personally, frustrated as hell.
I imagine it would be like telling them, that they must split themselves apart and forfeit a single identity.
How would they do that? They can't! And we have just seen in @Congruency's experience (thank you for sharing) of integration which has been a decade-long battle.

The title of this thread is about having DID and struggling.
Professionals could prevent struggling and make life easier, if they would stop suggesting we integrate, and let us get on with treatment.
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
I imagine it would be like telling them, that they must split themselves apart and forfeit a single identity.
LOL!
I can't quite get a grasp on whether my helping peeps want me to aim at integration, or whether they just need some sort of blob of single selfness to pull the therapeutic attempts together so that it isn't totally random with them never knowing what I am remembering or not, or how I will respond to things they suggest? Also, I know my therapist thinks (and after doing my map, I'm starting to agree) that some of my seemingly very separate parts are actually kind of sub-parts of a more developed part. In structural dissociation theory, it would be like some of my parts are the "emotional parts" (EPs) of one of my "apparently normal personality parts" (ANPs).

Yoda asked one of my then present parts a question. I (well, she) said, "How should I know?" This is not the first time this has happened. Then he launches into one of his public service announcements, declaring, "I'd like all parts to listen to what I am going to say now..." Eventually, this approach has started to work more as more of my parts start to come online and are lurking about during therapy, and as I am gaining more co-consciousness thanks to the Strattera for the ADHD which is helping me hugely even though it's also making me manic.
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
Is your body manic, your mind, or both?
It seems to alternate a bit. My mind is always manic. Even on the strattera which at least helps me focus my mental energy a bit. But the body joins into the mania too, regularly.

When its just my manic mind, things aren't too horrible unless I'm doing the hideous rapid switching or having flashbacks, or unable to finish anything I start and leave tumultuous messes in my wake (usually cooking, art, or cleaning projects, but yesterday left my car with the door open and the engine running :eek:). When my body joins in, it feels great for a while, but then because of the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, the body crashes and feels horrible while the mind just zooms on. THAT is the worst. Makes me feel like I want to rip my skin off to escape it.

The body/mind inconsistency reminds me of a terrible thing I did when I was 8. We were having a three-legged race supervised by the phys. ed. teacher. We were told to get to the finish line--don't give up. My partner fell, and for some reason, I kept going until I fell too, but had dragged her several feet before I fell. I got into huge trouble for being a terrible person because I did not stop when my partner fell. It WAS terrible and I have never forgotten how horrible I felt for what I did. I still feel horrible about it, as if it highlighted some dark and evil part of myself. (Though I think, looking back, I just kept on because those were my orders, and I was pretty dissociated from everything around me because of having to be tied up to another person, but that's another story). It was the teacher's screaming at me that brought me to my senses of what was happening and what I had done.

So it seems my mind is a bit like my 8 year old self, forging ahead with no regard for the body. The "mania" is good sometimes though--apparently this is true for a lot of people who have bipolar illness--it is good until suddenly it is really bad. I am very lucky that my version of mania doesn't even look like what most docs would consider mania. Perhaps because of my physical limitations. Anyway, for me it is mostly about not sleeping or resting, and undertaking far too many projects simultaneously. But it is making me productive in a way I haven't been for a while. It would be nice if I could manage to keep myself in that in-between zone where things feel good, but that doesn't happen. I cycle quickly into mixed episodes where I feel ebullient and suicidal simultaneously, or I rapid cycle from manic activity to total shutdown.

Some of this energy is coming from parts...I am aware of that. Some things are surfacing into consciousness that some parts do not want to surface, so there is all this energy pouring out to distract it. But some of it is more or different from that--a seemingly organic eruption that comes from nothing I can discover. When I look back over my life, I actually do see the patterns which is why I finally decided I needed to bow to Wags's diagnosis of bipolar. I fit the profile of the illness's onset and manifestation, even if I managed to stay functional within it. Because, of course, when you're traumatized, being "normal" trumps everything else (like, yes I can entertain a houseful of guests and take care of my baby even though I just broke my elbow an hour ago...).
 
Just wanted to say thanks. This thread is really helpful. And this
Because, of course, when you're traumatized, being "normal" trumps everything else (like, yes I can entertain a houseful of guests and take care of my baby even though I just broke my elbow an hour ago...).
made me laugh.
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
So it seems I have problems with anti-psychotics. Well, yeah, there is the problem that I don't want to take them. But the real problem is they don't help me. I remember one time in the hospital overhearing some women talking about how great seroquel was. One said, "Yeah, they gave me 12.5 mg and I was out like a light." Hmmm. I'd been taking 800 mg a day and driving my daughter back and forth to school, cooking, doing stuff, and STILL not sleeping more than around six hours (except I felt like I was doing all this in my sleep). There have been others. No help and side effects to boot. Was put back onto risperidone and klonopin to see if that could get me to sleep and bring this manic stuff down to a more manageable level. No dice. 4 mg. risperidone plus 2 mg. klonopin barely make a dent other than to make me feel woozy, congested, and full of acid reflux. YUCK!

So the new plan is to phase out the risperidone and phase in Depkote to see if this will work. I am not thrilled at all. But Depkote is an anti-convulsant and I seem to do better with those (fewer side effects). There wasn't too much choice involved, really. My psychiatrist is convinced I will land in the hospital soon if I don't manage to come down a bit and get a lot of sleep. I know she is probably right, and I truly do not want another round at a hospital--they are not helpful places for people like me (at least the 3 I have been to). I am feeling my body crashing out from under me. I cannot believe I have been going this much for this long. So wish me luck on getting sleep tonight. Things are always better when I can sleep.
 

Sideways

Moderator
One said, "Yeah, they gave me 12.5 mg and I was out like a light."
Hehe, yeah. I remember a friend in hospital was given her first 12.5mg of seroquel, half of the smallest available tablet. She thought she’d have a smoke before going to bed? And fell asleep halfway through her cigarette because of the sedative effect.

Meanwhile I was taking 1.2g of the stuff every day! Frustrating doesn’t begin to describe it!

Stick with your doc. There’s a lot of different types of options available when it comes to medications:)
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
And...the first night results are in. Yay Depkote, Risperidone, Klonopin, Melatonin, Magnesium, and...Mucinex. I slept for 8 hours! We shall see how today goes with a morning cocktail of supplements including more supplements, Lamictal, Strattera, and more supplements!
Looking forward to tapering off and disappearing the Risperidone.

@Sideways I'm sorry you had the same issue, but so glad to know it is not just me. Nobody can seem to believe that what would knock down an elephant has seemed to have such little effect on me. I use a fitbit sleep tracker to prove myself! (My psychiatrist and therapist believe me anyway, I ought to add).
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
So, the first night on the meds was good for sleep but didn't do much for the manic stuff otherwise. Now meds shifted to 1/2 the risperidone as a taper and 2x the depkote. I have not had a chance to see how this works because I came down with the flu. OMG. I suppose that is a good way to eliminate mania--neither brain nor body functioning at all. I'm mostly recovered but not quite. It has totally wiped me out, yet here I am at 5:30 AM unable to sleep even though I'm exhausted. Argh. Glad my husband has recovered well. I am resigned to the fact that it will likely take me longer given my other health issues. Sigh. But optimism reigns.
 
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