I have discovered I actually do have a SELF (this great abounding loving and compassionate and open energetic something or other),
How did you get to the place where you could organize "bookings?"
@shimmerz, if you don't mind my asking, where did you even start? did you begin by focusing on a body part everyone felt comfortable being in?things really started to turn around for me in managing my parts was when I walked around absolutely focused on my 'body'.
I just don't know. I have something that feels like SELF, but I don't think it is a "core self" in the way the literature defines it. I suppose if a child had a chance to live untraumatized for a period of time, some kind of core self might have begun to grow--sort of like a sprouting tree. But my problems started in utero and just expanded from there. I've been reading a bit about "hosts." Seems the "host" is the personality state that is most often "out" but it isn't necessarily the core self.I don't think we get a core self, or a host, if that's what a host is...?
I've had a difficult time getting in touch with my body and being DID. What's helping now is yoga. Never thought I would try it. I feel grounded and that I'm living in my body while doing it. I believe that will eventually translate for all of my alters and into everyday life. There's definitely a disconnect with my body.The body is the thing. Got to work on getting parts to accept that my body is their body too, not just some foreign thing that exists outside of time and space and reality.
I crash like that too. And then the next day or later I'm wired. It's my alters switching back and forth. I can't shut them out or off. I feel like I'm lit up. Like my brain can't be shut down. I eventually go to sleep yet only for about 5 to 7 hours. I need a lot more hours than that because of PTSD. Then the next day I'm fine again. Those times like that usually center around having a memory and/or nightmares.Started with total crash outs on Monday and Tuesday, like, "Oh, I'll lie down to rest for a little...then the next thing I know it is 7 hours later.... Then, TOTALLY manic on Wednesday and still and no idea why and no ability to control it.
It took me a long time to find the ME that is "ME." I had a ton of alters, parts, and fragments with many integrating so far. I was diagnosed with poly-fragmented MPD. No DID back in 1989.I have something that feels like SELF
Sorry for the delay in answering this question @pixel.if you don't mind my asking, where did you even start? did you begin by focusing on a body part everyone felt comfortable being in?
That is great that yoga is helping you! I have only had marginal success with it (even the trauma-sensitive yoga), but I do a little on my own, mostly "restorative" poses. I don't know if it helps me be in my body more, or too much. --that seems to be more a function of whomever is in charge at any given moment.What's helping now is yoga. Never thought I would try it. I feel grounded and that I'm living in my body while doing it. I believe that will eventually translate for all of my alters and into everyday life.
Oh, my, I understand this experience. In Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (which I have), they call it "tired but wired." I have that in extremes. Horrible--like my body gets so exhausted, I collapse, but my brain won't let me enter into real sleep. I'm in a bad way this week as far as that goes. But...I'm getting a lot accomplished at least. I'm starting to crash today I think.Like my brain can't be shut down.
It is so helpful to hear this description with all its complexity and quantum-ness (mirrors). My therapist once called my system "byzantine." He apologized later because he thought he was being critical, but I think he is actually right.I know the true configuration was more like a huge dome shape with concentric circles in it, and secret rooms and gardens, and a hall of mirrors to trick anyone trying to gain entry into my system without my permission.
Good question, @shimmerz. Maybe a transition time. Not sure. Many transitions in my life right now, as well as the shifting of seasons (today is Imbolc). And, of course, the change in meds. I seem to have a pattern of going into really extreme states sometime between February and April--all of the hospitalizations have happened in that window--some on meds, some not on meds. It is hard to know exactly what is causing what.And is there anything similar insofar as what was happening in your late teens and now?