DID I have did and i'm really struggling...

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Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
Okay, so much for co-consciousness. "Yoda" my therapist told me today something this one little kid we've been working with said. I DO remember some things in our conversations, but I'm never sure I get all of it. I sure missed this one. Anyway, apparently this almost-6-year-old refers to "me" as "the lady." And says, "She's old." LOL! ("me" being the general conglomeration of a person that my therapist talks to as my self, Hope.)Yoda said he asked her who it is she sees when she looks in the mirror. She was confounded by this question apparently. She believes "Hope" is not a real person--just a made up idea, like a dream person, like the people she dreams up to help her. The idea that she is part of Hope and that Hope is actually a real person in a real body makes no sense at all to her. She is horrified by the body she sees in the mirror. Seems to know that she is living in this body, but is deeply distressed by this situation and wants Yoda to fix it.

He has told "us" that he has a little boy who lives inside of him, and he talks with him every day. The child part is fixated on this. I do remember her asking, "But why can't I see him?" and him saying "because he lives inside of me, just like you live inside of Hope." Today he showed me some of the drawings this child made. Totally creeped me out that this was my body and brain that did these things. They weren't horrible or traumatic, just pictures. But the one she drew of herself inside the now-body was pretty ugly and disturbing.

It is getting harder and harder to deny that I do actually have a bunch of these dissociated parts who are desperate to come out and talk about what their lives are like/were like. This is all leading up, apparently, to an attempt to restart EMDR to try to clear the trauma of my father putting his shotgun in my mouth starting around age 5.5 until 10.

It is very odd to me that the memories I have that come in flashbacks of various sorts, and the parts that seem stuck in them, are always of the first time something happened. Some larger part of me knows they happened over long periods of time, but the actual memories are only of the first time.

I wonder if this is true of anyone else's experience?
 

pixel

MyPTSD Pro
I wonder if this is true of anyone else's experience?
I don't remember any of my traumas, only befores or afters.
One of my parts who talks with my therapist has explained we would "fly away like Peter Pan", that is, when the abuse occurred we would have an out-of-body experience, so i guess that's why i don't remember anything.

But you know, it makes sense for you to only remember the first time. Coz when it's the first time you're not expecting something bad to happen, so you probably didn't dissociate, and memories got laid down without being too scrambled or encoded. But when it happens again, your brain is like, oh hell no! I'm outa here! :brb: and poof! your memory's gone. :bored:
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
fly away like Peter Pan
LOL. I've always referred to myself (or parts of myself, I guess), as a "lost boy." Funny the synchronicity. And though being a die-hard fan of JM Barrie and Peter Pan, I have to say I've never been able to watch or read those stories again without thinking of the understory possibilities of the traumas that happened to all those lost boys, and Peter himself!
 

pixel

MyPTSD Pro
I've never been able to watch or read those stories again without thinking of the understory possibilities of the traumas that happened to all those lost boys, and Peter himself!
omg yes!! i do the same :)

i heard the story was inspired by the childhood death of the author's brother, and how he would always remain the same age, in the author's memory, and never grow up. is that accurate?
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
Well, if the script of Finding Neverland is accurate, it was a family he met in London that inspired the story--particularly the Llewelyn boys. I don't know about his brother. If you've never seen the film or stage play, it is wonderful! I took my daughter to see it on Broadway last year, and earlier had bought the DVD to add to our Pan collection :).
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
I am feeling quite pleased with myself on a number of counts, and thought I would share.

First, I have two pieces in an art show. Second, I just finished 2 pieces for the next show. Nobody is currently destroying my work. YAY. (Though somebody is a bit obsessive about it. It took me a ridiculous amount of time and iterations to finish this last piece).

Next, last night I got really overwhelmed and was on the verge of harming myself. I didn't do it. I left the room that was overwhelming me, took a klonopin, and worked in my studio for a bit...and things shifted in a good way. I am glad. It has been a while since the self-harm stuff has bubbled up. It's all very minor but disturbing nonetheless, and I am very self-conscious of the light scarring I have.

Finally, I have worked off and on on a series of stories for a memoir, but was stuck regarding how to present them. I'm pretty sure I've resolved the problem, and I've been working on them again!!! I'm excited.

So yes, I'm manic still (not sleeping, wildly goal-directed activity, not eating much, etc.) but I'm doing okay. I just wish I could get some sleep! However, for the first time in more than five years, I'm feeling hopeful that my brain is coming back online more. I am so happy.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
I didn't do it. I left the room that was overwhelming me, took a klonopin, and worked in my studio for a bit...and things shifted in a good way. I
Any idea if you can recreate the feeling that came with this huge victory Hope? Whenever I am able to figure out a new and positive behaviour, I do what I can over the next however long to try and bring that feeling back on demand (when I am well). Is that an option here for you?

Congratulations my friend. That is a huge step forward! :singing::hug::singing:
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
@shimmerz...I remember one time you noticing something you do with your feet as an early sign of not-good-things-to-come. Well, I noticed I was chewing on my lips, rather painfully, and feeling the urge to run. SO, at least for that moment and whatever was causing the problem, I had enough warning to do something about it before I found myself hacking at my body. Yes, it was a victory of catching things before a full-switch happened, or before I got so overwhelmed there was no going back. Yay me.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
T-dioc used to stress this to me all the time. There is nothing emotionally (even if it is twisted up with weird belief systems etc) that our body doesn't express. I used to call it playing hide and seek. And yes, it was my right foot turning in. Which was easy to catch because my head always dropped too. My whole body stance changed.... which is why having an external person witness the changes and point them out is priceless.

it was a victory of catching things before a full-switch happened, or before I got so overwhelmed there was no going back. Yay me.
This is SO huge! Victory is so true! Yeah YOU!!!!!! :cool: <----- You.
 

Hope4Now

MyPTSD Pro
Today, my uncle's things are arriving by truck. He died on December 8th, and I am still deeply grieving his loss for he was more of a father to me than my father, though our relationship was complicated (he was too often patronizing to me, and I resented it). I am alone in the house for the day. I'm feeling very anxious about how I will feel when all his stuff gets absorbed into my house, lugged in by two movers. Am trying to focus on the fact that we will be receiving not only a large television (ours is about 20" not good for subtitles!) and a chair that I have coveted for myself for years though it was too expensive to purchase. Everything else...oh my. Thinking of drugging myself up to cope. I don't often do that, but maybe today would be a good choice.
 

pixel

MyPTSD Pro
Thinking of drugging myself up to cope. I don't often do that, but maybe today would be a good choice.
That's not a bad idea, patients take analgesics prior to their physiotherapy sessions, to help them get through painful exercises.
You might view it similarly. It's a way to assist you through a painful exercise, so that you can stay balanced throughout.
 
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