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- #49
Okay, so much for co-consciousness. "Yoda" my therapist told me today something this one little kid we've been working with said. I DO remember some things in our conversations, but I'm never sure I get all of it. I sure missed this one. Anyway, apparently this almost-6-year-old refers to "me" as "the lady." And says, "She's old." LOL! ("me" being the general conglomeration of a person that my therapist talks to as my self, Hope.)Yoda said he asked her who it is she sees when she looks in the mirror. She was confounded by this question apparently. She believes "Hope" is not a real person--just a made up idea, like a dream person, like the people she dreams up to help her. The idea that she is part of Hope and that Hope is actually a real person in a real body makes no sense at all to her. She is horrified by the body she sees in the mirror. Seems to know that she is living in this body, but is deeply distressed by this situation and wants Yoda to fix it.
He has told "us" that he has a little boy who lives inside of him, and he talks with him every day. The child part is fixated on this. I do remember her asking, "But why can't I see him?" and him saying "because he lives inside of me, just like you live inside of Hope." Today he showed me some of the drawings this child made. Totally creeped me out that this was my body and brain that did these things. They weren't horrible or traumatic, just pictures. But the one she drew of herself inside the now-body was pretty ugly and disturbing.
It is getting harder and harder to deny that I do actually have a bunch of these dissociated parts who are desperate to come out and talk about what their lives are like/were like. This is all leading up, apparently, to an attempt to restart EMDR to try to clear the trauma of my father putting his shotgun in my mouth starting around age 5.5 until 10.
It is very odd to me that the memories I have that come in flashbacks of various sorts, and the parts that seem stuck in them, are always of the first time something happened. Some larger part of me knows they happened over long periods of time, but the actual memories are only of the first time.
I wonder if this is true of anyone else's experience?
He has told "us" that he has a little boy who lives inside of him, and he talks with him every day. The child part is fixated on this. I do remember her asking, "But why can't I see him?" and him saying "because he lives inside of me, just like you live inside of Hope." Today he showed me some of the drawings this child made. Totally creeped me out that this was my body and brain that did these things. They weren't horrible or traumatic, just pictures. But the one she drew of herself inside the now-body was pretty ugly and disturbing.
It is getting harder and harder to deny that I do actually have a bunch of these dissociated parts who are desperate to come out and talk about what their lives are like/were like. This is all leading up, apparently, to an attempt to restart EMDR to try to clear the trauma of my father putting his shotgun in my mouth starting around age 5.5 until 10.
It is very odd to me that the memories I have that come in flashbacks of various sorts, and the parts that seem stuck in them, are always of the first time something happened. Some larger part of me knows they happened over long periods of time, but the actual memories are only of the first time.
I wonder if this is true of anyone else's experience?