Ok so working with a colleague today I have decided to detach from..well I have many times and I have gone back for more nonsense. Someone with lots of issues and problems going on but done not appear to be taking any positive action and me being an empath..more than my own good sometimes been trying to play the rescuer..thats the responsibility I have to take in the relationship and I realise now as well this is being controlling in some way. I cant deal with all the jekyl and hyde ups and downs anymore. I know change is a process and is about getting in to a habit though..its like we can actually get addicted to some people know matter how bad they have been for you. will feel strange at first though ..being in empathy it somehow feels like I am going against my nature . just only want to know this person now as far as getting the job done is concerned . must not get sucked back in any more.
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Detach , detach , detach
- Post starter IamFree
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I am not sure if you are asking a question or just sharing but my immediate feeling of your post was, your attachment to being empath. attachment of anything that is not working for you and actually bringing you pain is not worth it. Being an empath is not good if it is keeping in pain just like overeating is not good if it is giving you runs to the emergency every few months/years etc. Same can go for sex addict, sex is good but obsessively not so much. Compulsivity of the situation just jumped at me.
So are you willing to find assistance in balancing out your attachment to being empath?
So are you willing to find assistance in balancing out your attachment to being empath?
Justmehere
Sponsor
I respectfully disagree with the perspective that attachment to empathy or going against one’s empathetc nature is the source of the problem.
One of the hardest things for many people to do is to really care about someone but not get sucked too far into the chaos and pain. You don’t need to become less empathetic. I mean, that’s always one route to go....
There is another way to look st it. Sometimes the most empathetic thing someone can do is to set and keep boundaries and detach from someone.
Ever flown on an airplane? During the safety drill everyone is told that if oxygen mask pop down, one should put on their own oxygen mask first before helping someone else with theirs. While this might seem like simply good self care, it’s acfually empathetic towards others too. If someone ignores their own oxygen mask and tries to help someone else put on their mask there is a really good chance that:
1.) They will help the other person put on their mask, and then pass out themselves, leaving someone who struggled to even get on their own mask stuck in be position of trying to help a now passed out person put one on.
2.) They won’t get on the other person’s mask in time, especially since they are fighting for oxygen themselves, and then there will be two victims. Not just one.
Instead, the very most empathetic thing to do for everyone on the plane is to grab one’s own oxygen mask first and have the resources to help those they are most suited to help.
Another example of how detachment can be empathetic: butterflies. If someone helps a butterfly out of a cooon too early, the butterfly will never be able to fly. They will just die. Possibly get eaten quickly. Not flutter around helping pollinate flowers and spread beauty. The struggle the caterpillar has against the walls of the cocoon as they become a butterfly is what helps their wings become strong to grow and fly. It’s crucial. So the most empathetic thing to do for a butterfly still in its cocoon is to let it struggle.
Another example: I was walking my dog the other day, and a woman came up and asked me the right dosage of Tylenol for her dog. Uh. I’m not a vet. I have no idea. I didn’t have the skill or training to help. Out of empathy for her and her dog, I said I couldn’t say. I can’t help. If I had helped, I could have done harm. She was quite annoyed but I wasn’t going to risk harm to avoid her annoyance. By telling her no, she has more reason to contact someone properly able and equipped to help. My input would have been a delay or detour from that help, at best. I didn’t divorce myself of my care and concern to stay detached, I acted out of that care and concern.
You don’t have to stop caring to detach and take space. Sometimes that’s the best way to care for someone.
Sometimes I tell myself, “this isn’t someone I’m equipped to help, and by stepping back, I free them up to find those more suited to help, and I free myself up to help someone else I am
more suited to help.”
Dead Link Removedmight be a helpful resource in building up this skill. I don’t mean to imply this is a matter of codependency or not, but resources on codependency tend to go over how to care about someone from a detached distance and how that can be the kindest thing to do for someone.
One of the hardest things for many people to do is to really care about someone but not get sucked too far into the chaos and pain. You don’t need to become less empathetic. I mean, that’s always one route to go....
There is another way to look st it. Sometimes the most empathetic thing someone can do is to set and keep boundaries and detach from someone.
Ever flown on an airplane? During the safety drill everyone is told that if oxygen mask pop down, one should put on their own oxygen mask first before helping someone else with theirs. While this might seem like simply good self care, it’s acfually empathetic towards others too. If someone ignores their own oxygen mask and tries to help someone else put on their mask there is a really good chance that:
1.) They will help the other person put on their mask, and then pass out themselves, leaving someone who struggled to even get on their own mask stuck in be position of trying to help a now passed out person put one on.
2.) They won’t get on the other person’s mask in time, especially since they are fighting for oxygen themselves, and then there will be two victims. Not just one.
Instead, the very most empathetic thing to do for everyone on the plane is to grab one’s own oxygen mask first and have the resources to help those they are most suited to help.
Another example of how detachment can be empathetic: butterflies. If someone helps a butterfly out of a cooon too early, the butterfly will never be able to fly. They will just die. Possibly get eaten quickly. Not flutter around helping pollinate flowers and spread beauty. The struggle the caterpillar has against the walls of the cocoon as they become a butterfly is what helps their wings become strong to grow and fly. It’s crucial. So the most empathetic thing to do for a butterfly still in its cocoon is to let it struggle.
Another example: I was walking my dog the other day, and a woman came up and asked me the right dosage of Tylenol for her dog. Uh. I’m not a vet. I have no idea. I didn’t have the skill or training to help. Out of empathy for her and her dog, I said I couldn’t say. I can’t help. If I had helped, I could have done harm. She was quite annoyed but I wasn’t going to risk harm to avoid her annoyance. By telling her no, she has more reason to contact someone properly able and equipped to help. My input would have been a delay or detour from that help, at best. I didn’t divorce myself of my care and concern to stay detached, I acted out of that care and concern.
You don’t have to stop caring to detach and take space. Sometimes that’s the best way to care for someone.
Sometimes I tell myself, “this isn’t someone I’m equipped to help, and by stepping back, I free them up to find those more suited to help, and I free myself up to help someone else I am
more suited to help.”
Dead Link Removedmight be a helpful resource in building up this skill. I don’t mean to imply this is a matter of codependency or not, but resources on codependency tend to go over how to care about someone from a detached distance and how that can be the kindest thing to do for someone.
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PreciousChild
Platinum Member
The workplace is my #1 trigger place outside of romantic relationships. I'm reading Copdependent No More and appreciate @Justmehere 's comments. Thanks for those amazing analogies. But I do agree with @grit that empathy shouldn't extend to something that's not working. I just read the part where Beatte wrote 'detach with love or anger, but detach!' (paraphrasing). I do think that detaching can be very difficult for some people.
- Post starter
- #6
Thanks yes I am aware of all the co-dependency stuff and its been very helpful on my journey. Indeed in my anger I forgot to mention I also have lots of issues and problems to ...so I have turned it into a joke ...what do you call two people with lots of problems and issues...lots and lots of problems and issues. Indeed trying to throw people a life jacket when your trying to stay afloat your self is a losing game.
not feeling as hateful now which I am glad of . I would prefer to practice detachment with compassion as its just injurious to me when I am in all that hate and anger
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