Afraid to get a dog

[frogthroat]

Last session my T suggested that I get a pet to relieve some of my stress and loneliness. My landlord wouldn't have a problem with this and I could budget in the cost of care for a small dog. I like dogs. I had a Chihuahua as a teen and I took care of her and I loved her.
I found out recently that my dad is a legitimate psychopath which makes sense. When I was 14 he killed our two dogs in a really gruesome way. It was horrible and they didn't deserve to die the way they did. I'm afraid if I get a dog I'll hurt it. I'm also terrified of loving something again. I'm not really sure what to do.
For some reason this is a huge upset to me. Maybe it's because I've been alone so long. The thought of caring for a living being other than myself is blowing my mind. I also feel like I could fail the animal somehow and that I would be depriving it of a better home. I'm not sure if I'm really capable of loving anything because I'm pretty robotic other than when I'm occasionally overwhelmed with strong emotion or burnt out to the point where I can cry. I'm also quite lazy because I'm exhausted all the time. Should I be a dog owner? I'm afraid I won't take care of it properly.

 

[Freida]

Just the fact that you are worrying if you will take care of it properly means you are nothing like your dad. A sociopath would be planning what to do with it before they even got it.

The nice thing about a dog is that even when you don't think you can love something the dog doesn't care. They love you -- and they make you accept their love. I sometimes get irritated with my SD - but he just comes right back and says "Pet me!"
A dog is a good way to reconnect with another living thing without the drama of human relationships. So yea, I think everyone should have a dog -- or three:):)

 

[Sideways]

There seems to be different types of issues going on for you here.

The first is your fear that you might hurt the dog, or not be capable of loving the dog. They seem to be fears based on your dad and how he behaved? If it were me, I’d throw some CBT at those fears: do you have any evidence to support these fears? Have you ever hurt an animal before? Have you ever really wanted to hurt an animal before? Probably not, because you’re not your dad. A dog may be a great way of learning that you’re not your dad.

Then you have the concern that you may not look after it properly. That seems to be a much more reality-based fear: you feel exhausted all the time, so would you have the energy to walk a dog, feed it each day, clean up after it, and meet it’s grooming needw (like regular baths)?

The truth is that some people don’t have the capacity to care for an animal. Other people thrive and find energy they didn’t have before. You’re in the best position to know which group you’re going to fall into. A dog is a big responsibility. But it can also be life-changing.

If you decide to go ahead? Choose a dog type that is going to suit your lifestyle and symptoms. If energy is an issue? Go for a smaller breed that will require less exercise and takes less time to bath and groom and clean up after:)

 

[frogthroat]

The truth is that some people don’t have the capacity to care for an animal

I hardly have the capacity to take care of myself and recently I have chosen a sort of reckless wait to die type of lifestyle. I don't care about anything anymore so I don't think a dog would probably be in good hands with me. I'm easily irritated by everyone and everything. Even having to go to the store or talk on the phone agitates me and is exhausting. Being alive is exhausting for me. I sleep alot - probably half of the time. I'm not really sure if I want to keep trying or not anymore. That's neither here nor there but it would affect the life of an animal.
While I've never hurt an animal I do have violent obsessive thoughts and I do have a problem with rage which is something I mostly take out on myself because I have no ability to retaliate. I've also raped and sexually tortured two boys as I was incited to do so by my male abuser as a preteen/young teen. So yes I'm violent and I'm a sex offender. I'm probably dangerous which is why I stay away from people and animals. It's lonely but it's for the best.
If I can't find meaning or reasons to live for more than short bursts of time then I'm sure a dog would be a temporary band-aid. I would probably get bored of the dog and even agitated by it's constant presence. I'm just not capable of feeling in a healthy way at least at this time. The dog would suffer because I'm completely numb.
I guess my first clue that it wasn't a good idea should've been my absolute panic at the thought and the moral dilemma that ensued.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I’ve had dogs my whole life. They are part of my family. I have depression, anxiety and my dog is my salvation. She is small, 12 pounds. She does just fine to take one or two walks a day. Short walks around the neighborhood and after 5:00 on the beach. She goes to work with me. She comforts my clients. She senses my anxiety and snuggles me to comfort me.

I get my ass up and out of bed because I love my dog and believe she deserves my love and attention. Having a dog is something I’ve had my whole life.

Just because someone who knows how awesome they are does not make you competent to own a dog. You are the human. You have to have brains and compassion and treat the dog as you would want to be treated. Nothing in your narrative reveals to me that you would be a responsible dog owner. It sounds like you’re too hung up with your own problems that you would neglect the dog.

A dog can be a transformative soul. Many Vets with PTSD thrive thanks to getting a service dog. But believe me, they screen those people to be sure they’re not placing one of God’s most honorable beings into the hands of a violent self absorbed person.

Perhaps this subject can be a healing lesson. You can volunteer at a shelter where you can experience people loving and caring for animals. In time, you would have a clearer view of what you want. Puppies are baby’s. Literally. They need an owner that accepts that. Not someone who’s going to hit him when he does a perfectly normal puppy thing.

You ready or willing to take on the responsibility? I think not.

 

[frogthroat]

It sounds like you’re too hung up with your own problems that you would neglect the dog.

But believe me, they screen those people to be sure they’re not placing one of God’s most honorable beings into the hands of a violent self absorbed person.

Thanks. I forgot what always made me cringe about pet ownership and it's the fact that so many people talk about their pets like they're actual human beings. If only humanity would treat their children and the less capable with the same amount of reverence the world would probably be in a better state socially at least.
After what I've been through I would never want to own another being. At least wild undomesticated animals get to have the dignity of being free, wild animals still. I always thought it was really weird to see people cooing over their pets and being upset of the death of an animal in a movie when they watch the news unflinchingly. Whenever I see a spoiled animal in a sweater I think of an abused starving child somewhere that will never be treated that well their whole life. What a crazy world we live in. Guess I'm an asshole for feeling that way.

 

[hithere]

you should get a dog. your worries are actually normal and making a big change like responsibility can deter anyone. However, seriously, a dog will change your life. Give it a good 8 weeks after you get the dog before you decide to return though as there is a little bit of adjustment and some people give up right away. however you will be glad you have a dog. It will relieve so much stress for you and believe it or not love is great feeling, even though love is the thing that kicks you in the stomach and knocks your teeth out when it's not returned. However, a dog will love you back. So-go for it!

 

[Sideways]

@frogthroat - this isn’t something that you should use to beat yourself up with. Loving pets? Doesn’t make someone a better or more worthy human.

For some people? Having a pet becomes their reason to get out of bed each morning. But like any recovery tool? Pets don’t work for everyone.

If it were true that getting a dog = loving a dog and taking excellent care of it? Then there wouldn’t be so many neglected dogs in the world.

Is there a possibility of trying it out? Offering to look after a dog from a shelter for a couple of weeks, see how it goes?

Your last post was thick with depressive thoughts, so maybe this is an idea that you might come back to in time, when you’ve stabilised a bit. Even if it doesn’t fit for you now? Doesn’t mean it never will. Either way, take care of you. And not wanting a dog? Doesn’t make you a bad person ;)

 

[blackemerald1]

I would never want to own another being.

@frogthroat - what you want and what you need may be entirely different. I think a suitable dog may be really good for you. You might change your mind about the responsibilities of owning a dog if you spent some time with some dogs. Try a voluntary shelter for dogs and keep going back. You may be in for a life changing moment.

If not, nothing lost and no dog damaged.

pset of the death of an animal in a movie when they watch the news unflinchingly. Whenever I see a spoiled animal in a sweater I think of an abused starving child somewhere that will never be treated that well their whole life.

You are mixing up different situations and attributing blame to people who cannot change anything. The world is very crazy but you just have to look after your little part. If everyone did that it may not be so crazy?

Your last post was thick with depressive thoughts, so maybe this is an idea that you might come back to in time, when you’ve stabilised a bit.

^^Agree with this.

And the very fact you asked about this is really showing room for hope and a way forward away from your history.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Comparing dogs and People is a false equivalency. When you have had a healthy experience with dogs, then you can make a well informed decision. You have some things to work out regarding love and caring. Too many wonderful dogs, cats and other pets end up in shelters because their owners didn’t want them, or they come from puppy mills that abused them. Some people just don’t have empathy for them.

 

[frogthroat]

Comparing dogs and People is a false equivalency.

I think that's a pretty hypocritical statement considering you just stated that they're some of "God's most honorable creatures." On what scale? What about farm animals like pigs, chickens, and cows?
I get that some people get really emotional when it comes to animals - well at least for certain animals. It's cool to eat that hamburger while snuggling a cat or dog but if it were the other way around people would be outraged. This has everything to do with anthropomorphism. It has nothing to do with reality.
Animals are animals. People are people. Each individual decides according to their subjective reality who or what they consider important and worthy of love and affection. I'm sure there were people that worked at Willowbrook that came home and fixed their dog a steak.
I'm not the morality police and I'm not going to pretend to be. Either you admit one group of lifeforms or group of people is more important than another one or you don't participate. That's totally up to an individual to decide. No animal, no human is deserving of abuse but the sentimentality attributated to a particular group of beings and not the other is absurd. Plus, what gives anyone the right to own another creature? If we really found them to be "honorable" we would leave them and earth be.

 

[Muttly]

I'm not going to engage in the more philosophical debate about pets out, although I have thoughts. I don't think that's the core part of this post. From reading through everything, I see a couple components happening. You have fears, some of which are reality based and some are probably more distorted. You have concerns about your capacity. And then you have your opinions about pets. Given all that, maybe having a dog isn't the right thing for you. None of us can say that for sure, not even your therapists.

I've seen you list a lot of reasons that you shouldn't have a dog. What would be the benefits (if any) of having a dog?