Relationship Just a question for supporters/suffers

[A13]

so my partner and I were together for a number of years. An evening I was sleeping and my phone was downstairs he checked my phone. An old guy from work sent me a random text saying something about me being perfect.. I hadn’t replied or anything. I assumed he was drinking alcohol and sent a stupid text.
My partner seen this anyway and wakened me at 3.30 am ... he basically wakened me saying right who is this guy out of work you are having an affair with. . After hours of screaming and shouting he attempted to take my phone off me once more to get this mans telephone number. This ended up in an altercation that I fell on the kitchen floor and he continued to wrestle my phone off me. Being a ft taller and about 7st heavier he got the phone off me! To cut a long story short that was a boundrie crosses. I got up and immediately said pack a bag and get the hell out of my house.
He did so and we split. He had been separated about a month. A little bit of communication regards him getting things from the house that he didn’t tKe that first day.
Then he contacted me and said he needed to talk to be. He had seen his T (he hasn’t been engaging with him for about 6 months)
He informed me that his T will see both of us to try and explain in a safe place. To allow him to apologise. Basically we met, he explained his T gave his input etc. He wanted to give it another go. I have a few little worries; he seems to be going to great lengths. He’s trying really hard, he’s communicating 100 times better than before. Seeing the T twice a week... but what happens if this is justbto win me back, and once he gets me again he just completely goes back to his old self.
He is absolutely consumed by jealousy. He’s a very jealous person is there a type of help you can get to manage jealousy?
Does it sound like he’s really changed. Or given the next opportunity will he ride through my phone until he finds something innocent he doesn’t like.
The heartache of the last month has been horrendous and I don’t want this to happen again.
Can anyone advise me how to go about this?
Do I set firm boundaries or does it sound like there is too much water under the bridge!

Help...

 

[Never_falter2]

How was your relationship before that happened?

 

[A13]

Before was fine. He would often not communicate very well about his feelings etc which I found difficult as I didn’t know where he was at. But sexually we were very compatible, we were very loving and affectionate... like everyone we had disagreements and occasionally bickered.

 

[shimmerz]

but what happens if this is justbto win me back, and once he gets me again he just completely goes back to his old self.

^^^^ This doesn't match

we were very loving and affectionate... like everyone we had disagreements and occasionally bickered.

^^^^ This

So was this scenario you painted in this posting a one time thing or were there problems like this all along. How do you know he is very jealous? Because of this one time it happened or were there other incidents that you just didn't hold your ground on?

 

[somerandomguy]

After hours of screaming and shouting

I fell on the kitchen floor and he continued to wrestle my phone off me.

Abuse. This is abusive.

I agree with @shimmerz. A one-time thing might be very different from a pattern of this kind of abuse. From what you wrote, though, it doesn't seem like this was a one-time thing ....

 

[A13]

No things like this over the last few years had come up maybe 4 times. Eg talking to a man in the gym, he’d see that and assume that we were flirting when actually it was just general chit chat. Then he’d blow It out of proportion and actually appear to believe it’s true.

Or at a birthday party I through for him last year he accused me of being in the toilet with my brothers friend while he was in the next room when actually I went to the toilet and it was in use so I waited outside. Irrational things.

When I described loving and affectionate etc I mean that’s how we are when all the accusations or criticism isn’t taking place.
I mean him slipping back to his jealous self and continuing to wrongly accuse me.
I possibly haven’t worded that correctly!?

I know he’s jealous because this last 2 weeks he has opened up and really told me how he felt and how he realises now that I wasn’t doing anything wrong as I’m not in control of what I receive. He explained that other men texting or me talking to other men makes him insanely jealous. I explained that I can’t live my life avoiding talking to a cashier in our local shop just because he’s a man.
He says he feels jealous because he feels so shit about himself that he’s afraid something better will catch my eye and then he feels like quick end this before she does.. as a form of protection.
Then when everything settles and he perhaps hashes it out with his T he sees a more rational side to it. And regrets his actions???

 

[somerandomguy]

Without a change in his behaviors, his realizations that you aren't doing anything wrong are useless.

 

[Mach123]

I feel bad for both of you. I married a very beautiful woman and I was consumed with jealousy. Add in the cPTSD and CSA and it was really toxic! Even I didn't like it. I remember when we were getting together and I was thinking 'If I marry her I'll have to be consumed with that ugly feeling again." I was! Everyone I ever loved I had the same feeling. I wanted it to be only me. I've looked into it and we are talking about it in therapy. My therapist thinks of it as a symptom which I'm happy about. All the things I really didn't like about me are symptoms now so not my fault. : ) If he's jealous like that it's episodic. His behavior sounds episodic meaning it comes over him and he can't help it. (That should sound familiar to everyone here.) I would say the chances are he is still going to be like that. We are older now so it's a little easier for me. She's still beautiful! I'm not saying that!

 

[shimmerz]

And regrets his actions???

I think the question regarding authenticity of this regret will be at the root of all of this. What I would be holding onto like a pitbull if I were to go into that T's office to speak about it is 'are we speaking about this because of the pain of my partner's losses because of his actions or does he.she really GET what they did?'

I would also be concerned about their T's intentions. Given the violent nature of the episode, I am absolutely opposed if T is looking for a reunion of sorts for this relationship. Clearly you were in danger that evening and the potential is there for that to be a standard protocol. If I was invited to said meeting I would be direct and ask T what personally what the agenda and hoped for outcome was.

 

[OrangeJulius]

What does your gut tell you?

Me and my guy had some issues with breaking up and getting back together. Before we got back together I made my position very clear and told him he had to be sure that he was agreeable to all my "demands" including that we are not to invade each other's digital privacy without being invited.

Now, my honey has made it a point to never lash out at me. I can tell when he wants to. But he begged for me back and owned up to everything he did wrong and after hearing all my "demands" of what needed to change, he has respected them. Over 6-9 months he proved himself reliable and true to his word and we ended up getting back together.

I can't speak to anything other than saying to trust yourself to know what feels right for you. Is the risk of the worst case scenario worth taking for the best case scenario? I had A LOT of push back from friends and family for taking him back after he cheated on me. But I am glad I didn't listen to them. And be super clear and forward with everything. Don't tiptoe around anything. HE wants YOU back. Going to the session with his T doesn't mean you take him back. So bring your hard questions for him while you have a 3rd party to help guide the conversation.

Good luck!

 

[EveHarrington]

Wow.

PTSD aside...

Jealousy kills relationships.

I know so many relationships that have been killed by jealousy it isn’t even funny.

My guy and I don’t “do” jealousy beyond what is normal/natural/occasional/non problem causing. After all, jealous feelings can naturally arise in any relationship. What matters is what you do with them.

His ex was insanely jealous and that’s what drove him away. I’ve had ex’s get jealous of the jewelry I wear, before they find out I buy it all for myself, FFS, and it wasn’t purchased by a past lover.

My dad has an insanely jealous wife who is insanely jealous of me and pretty much anyone who would want any of my dad’s time. Regardless of the fact that my dad used to beat the chit out of me, I still wanted a relationship with him. Her fcking jealousy killed it all, what I suppose I should look at as a blessing in disguise. Yeah, it is fcking insane when you are so damn jealous that you can’t even let your partner see his damn kids!

The phone is sacred.

I repeat...

THE PHONE IS SACRED!

You don’t ever go into someone’s phone without permission and if your relationship isn’t strong enough to give each other phone privacy, ABORT, ABORT, ABORT! Seriously. It’s illegal to open someone else’s mail. Same damn thing. It’s rude to eavesdrop. Phone spying is virtual eavesdropping to the nth level. Plus everyone deserves to be able to surf in “private” ahem, myptsd login anyone?

But when the jealousy is so bad that you’re getting physically assaulted? Oh hail no. Kick that guy to the curb and never look back. Pathological level jealousy isn’t something that’s easily fixed. I honestly believe that it’s a serious character flaw when it’s anything beyond the minimal/fleeting type. Then again, I’ve never been the jealous type, save sibling rivalry.

Just tell him that someone else caught your eye. He may not be more handsome, smarter, or have a bigger bank account, but the one thing he could offer you was a drama free no jealousy, secure relationship.

And then walk away.

 

[blackemerald1]

No. I'd not put up with this behaviour.

You have found three occasions in a fairly short relationship (?) where his behaviour has not been appropriate.

Basically - he's got a bad temper. Tell him to get therapy for that along with his ptsd.

If you are cheating or untrustworthy - his choice is to leave the relationship.