Should I tell my mother more so she'll take me seriously?

[lovak]

So, I'm a woman, married, 25 years old. I've had pscyhiatric problems my entire life, including moodswings, depression, anxiety, self harm, eating disorder, and to add to the bunch: PTSD from recurring sexual abuse as a teen.
Now, I've been on and off therapy from 6 till 20, and been off therapy since. I had a relapse a couple of months ago. My mother now said to me that she thinks it's only a workthing. She thinks I have a burnout.

I've been looking for help, but two psychologists already denied me therapy because 'I'm too complicated for their practice', or 'too much of a risk to myself'. So I've been referred to specialized psychiatric treatment which, honestly, I think I really need. Flashbacks, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, wanting to selfharm, insomnia, not eating, eating A LOT. And sometimes good moments. I only show the good moments to my parents but I do talk about the 'bad moments'.

My mother knows about a lot of my problems, I was also admitted to hospital for 10 months when I was seventeen. I told her I have PTSD, but not why. I broke down a month ago, I couldn't do anything but cry in pain, LITERAL pain. My husband called my mother. She meant it well, but she said that I was always emotional and sensitive. And that everyone has something happen in their life. That I'm just so sensitive. Can't I just leave it in the past?
I closed up like a seashell. If only she knew... That's exactly what I told my husband after she left. If she knew what happened, she wouldnt say I have PTSD because Im so sensitive. I actually think she doesn't believe I have PTSD.
My husband knows a bit more about what happened, not even the worst parts. He asked why I couldnt tell my mother, maybe she'd understand better.

But I'm really afraid to open up to her. To be so vulnerable. She could hurt me so easily then. Maybe she'll understand that I can't just get over it. Maybe she will believe me when I say I'm not just overworked. I get it, I've been a workaholic and mentally collapsed after a really busy period at work. But what she can't see is that by focusing on work so much, by trying to control every aspect of my life. By not allowing myself to do anything but work, I was just avoiding avoiding avoiding.

I have this feeling that I have to convince my own mother that I am mentally ill. I have to convince her that I am allowed to feel the way I feel sometimes, when I haven't even convinced myself entirely.

I don't know if it's a good idea to tell her more, and how to do that. I'm thinking about writing a letter. But I'm so afraid. Opening up means I can get hurt.

We have a good relationship, the past few years. My parents are very rational thinkers though. If there's a problem there's a simple solution. (Like; Get over it. Just do it. I've heard this so many times in my life). This time there much more understanding already. But I don't really know if they even believe in mental health issues. They acknowledge it, but can't accept it somehow.

What do you guys think? Should I open up more?

(Im sorry for the lack of structure, my head's a bit of a mess)

 

[shimmerz]

I told her I have PTSD, but not why.

Here's the thing. I am a mother. If my child was hurting the way that you obviously were all of your young life and you told me you had PTSD (even when I didn't know what PTSD was, which was most of my life), then I would have sat you down and asked you what I could do for you to help make your life easier on you.

In my humble opinion, if she hasn't done that by now I would absolutely not gut myself in front of her.

On the other hand, you could have her work for the privilege of your letting her know. Ask her to read up on PTSD and follow up with that. Did she learn anything? Ask her questions etc. If she is still as ignorant while you are in such deep pain, then I would never entertain the thought again. Not ever.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that you should open up ONLY if you can handle the worst case scenario/how she will react to your disclosure.

(Somehow I don’t think you can handle the worst case scenario right now given the severity of your symptoms.)

As an aside, I think that specialized treatment could really help you. I urge you to be open to many avenues of therapy/care. :hug:

 

[lovak]

@shimmerz I dont know if she's been reading,, I don't think so because she's convinced I have a burnout. I've been thinking about sending her some articles to read so I dont have to tell her my personal experiences. But I believe that might not be enough. She tries to be supportive, but not acknowledging the actual problem and her persistence on making me believe its a 'workthing', is really not helping.
I have regular chatsessions with a therapist from the suicide hotline to see how I can create a better support system, but right now the focus is on my husband, who believes me but has a hard time dealing with it (understandably)

@EveHarrington You're right, I can't handle the worst case scenerio right now. Im waiting to get treatment, but the waiting list is unbearably long. Its still going to take four more months to just get an intake. Then I'll be put on another waiting list for treatment. Free healthcare has it's downsides....

 

[blackemerald1]

I have this feeling that I have to convince my own mother that I am mentally ill. I have to convince her that I am allowed to feel the way I feel sometimes, when I haven't even convinced myself entirely.

I think you will find it easier when you begin to accept that you have a mental illness. Once that is achieved (and you receive appropriate treatment) I don't think the need to tell anyone including your parents, will be so intense.

I agree with @shimmerz and @EveHarrington - don't divulge anything further to your mother or family not yet. Get some wellness under your belt and then make the decision.

It is a little bit ironic isn't it that you seek validation for an illness that is just as real as any physical illness and it is not given because they think you might of worked too hard??

 

[Justmehere]

And that everyone has something happen in their life. That I'm just so sensitive. Can't I just leave it in the past?

My mother used to say this. Years later, I realized that’s what she was trying to do with her own trauma.

It’s easy to think that if only someone knew, then surely they would be supportive. The reality is that sometime knowing doesn’t actually lead to support. Sometimes even more defense mechanisms pop up and even greater denial to try to keep the pain at bay.

If she is already dismissive with PTSD, I’m not sure she has the capacity or willingness to face that her daughter was harmed as a child. If she was ready and willing, then she probably would already be asking how to help.

Right now, seek validation elsewhere. Maybe once you have other validation and are out of a crisis, it will be easier to know how to approach it all with her or if it’s rven wise to do so.

She tries to be supportive, but not acknowledging the actual problem and her persistence on making me believe its a 'workthing', is really not helping.

This can be better solved for the time being by setting up boundaries. You can say certain topics are off limits for now, and maybe think of some more neutral ways she can support you without invaliding you, and without depending on her validation either.

Part of building a support system is finding the folks that can hack all of it, and also figuring out support from folks that maybe can’t validate the trauma, but can help do other things, like help engage in a healthy distraction on a tough day.

 

[mamachick]

I agree with others responses of at least waiting a bit if you can't handle the worst case scenario. Once its out, there is no taking it back. My sister who was a bit of mother figure always told me to get over it as well. Of course she had some similar experience I suppose, and as a result of keeping things bottled, she has Addisons Disease.

I think giving her material to read might be a good idea. I have given my husband stuff and discovered that he never read it, which tells me that I don't need to share either. Staying emotionally safe is your first priority.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't think so because she's convinced I have a burnout.

Families are many times in denial. Mine still is 11 years later. So frustrating....

My therapists suggests to me that people tend to believe things that seem to minimize our experiences because they only know what they have lived. They have no frame of reference, so they use words they can relate to. Which make us perhaps feel totally invalidated.

Your mother will have some processing to do for certain. In the meanwhile she will sound like she isn't listening to you (which she isn't), but that is her stuck on her stuff. Just keep repeating and don't budge. Or just refuse to talk to her about it.

You need to heal. Your priority (generally) will be focusing on you and your means of healing.

 

[Sideways]

To me, what you’re proposing is, fundamentally, trying to persuade your mum that you’re justified in being this unwell. But the issue (to me) doesn’t seem to be about whether your suffering is justified, it’s about the unhelpful things she says to try and motivate you, or empathise (which may be what she’s trying to do).

You’ve mentioned that you have depression, anxiety and an eating disorder on your plate in addition to ptsd. Any one of those illnesses? Could cause a person to be suffering to the same degree that you currently are, with or without trauma as the root cause. A lot of people suffering with any one of those illnesses have profound disability just because. Regardless of the root cause, if the lack of understanding of the illness itself is lacking? Then the supporter (in this case your mum) is going to end up saying hurtful and unhelpful things like ‘its just burnout’. Depression? Isn’t ‘just burnout’. Nor is your anxiety. Or your eating disorder. Or your ptsd.

So, if you tell your mum about the cause of your ptsd? Maybe you will persuade her that your illness is justified (maybe). But it won’t necessarily do anything in terms of her understanding of your illness, or the kind of support that you need going into the future.

It may help your mum empathise with your situation more if she has a poor understanding of how serious mental illness can be. Being confronted with a really distressing reality can sometimes achieve that. But it’s not likely to get much more than empathy - sharing the cause of your ptsd won’t help her understand the illness itself, or what she can do to help (or stop doing!).

Maybe a happy middle ground? Would be to simply point out to your mum: “I didn’t get ptsd from work, I didn’t get ptsd from burnout.”

 

[Friday]

In my humble opinion, if she hasn't done that by now I would absolutely not gut myself in front of her.

Now, I've been on and off therapy from 6 till 20, and been off therapy since.

You don’t think getting your child into therapy & supporting them through twelve or more years of it counts as trying to help?

Even if it was a completely free program, the logistics of getting a miserable child anywhere is an exhausting battle or wits/nerve every parent is familiar with. When you’re dealing with depression & anxiety? Those are meltdown level disorders similar to dealing with an autistic child. Even in adults they provoke unreasonable responses & reactions. In children, where this is their reality? Oy. Poor kids! It’s no wonder they balk, refuse, flail, lash out, melt down. But it doesn’t make it any easier on their parents, who are trying day in and day out to get them through the day.

If Lovak had said anything at any point to indicate her parents were abusive, neglectful, or uncaring? My answer would be different. But wha nit reads like to me, is that she comes from a family that loves her, that she has a good relationship with as an adult, because they did put forth an effort her entire childhood.

But loving your child, as a child or as an adult, and doing everything you can to get them help? Doesn’t mean you’re going to say the “right” thing, every time. Hell. Oftentimes there simply isn’t going to be a “right” thing, as we all know from the meltdown side of things. I don’t think that means that a wedge should be driven between, or even insinuated, between someone and their supporters.

Expecting perfection from a parent? Simply isn’t realistic. Even from the best of parents, whom you gel with on a personality level & are the best of friends with as an adult, there will be friction & misunderstandings with. Much less normal parents who have very different personalities & you get on with just fine, and are a tremendous source of love & support, but who will never be friends... they still don’t need to be made out as enemies. No need to throw the baby out with the bath water.

Clearly, neither one of us know her mom. I would just really hate to be a part of cutting someone off from / biasing them against a mom who loves them, with a long history of being there & trying, by encouraging unrealistic standards.

And that everyone has something happen in their life.

I have never yet met a person who’s said this who didn’t have their own tragedy and trauma history. Because if “everyone” has something happen in their life? That means they do, too.

So do you know what your mom’s thing was?

If it was similar to your own, it’s unlikely that sharing your trauma history will make for more understanding. Not saying don’t do it, but it’s a good thing to know in advance that people can experience the same series of events and respond very differently.

My mother now said to me that she thinks it's only a workthing. She thinks I have a burnout.

Have you read the PTSD Stress Cup? Work stress & burnout are very much exactly the kind of thing which can kick PTSD intro being symptomatic.

Your mom may not have PTSD, but she could be very right in the source of what has caused you to relapse into symptoms. Especially if she’s watched you grow up & react/respond in predictable ways, she may have been seein the signs of this coming, for awhile. Or she may be clueless & completely wrong, it’s not work that’s tripped you over the edge from managed into unmanageable.

Either way... Tracking down the sources? Does help one figure out ways to either lower stress, deal with it differently, or both.

 

[shimmerz]

Friday, I am going to assume, that you are asking me this as you quoted me.

You don’t think getting your child into therapy & supporting them through twelve or more years of it counts as trying to help?

Sure. Just not what the posting was about as far as I could see.

I was actually speaking to this:

She meant it well, but she said that I was always emotional and sensitive.

and this

My mother knows about a lot of my problems, I was also admitted to hospital for 10 months when I was seventeen. I told her I have PTSD,

It actually isn't really helpful when family members are in denial when the sufferer is actually saying that they have a diagnosis.

"Hey Mom, I have cancer"
"Don't be ridiculous - I am sure that lump is just a bee sting."

Sorry, 10 months of being hospitalized, with a diagnosis and the diagnosis is ignored? Not at all helpful. Certainly not helpful when it is stated that

My mother now said to me that she thinks it's only a workthing. She thinks I have a burnout.

However, the mother has been told that she has PTSD and is totally ignoring that diagnosis.

My post, in my opinion, still stands as valid.

 

[EveHarrington]

You were a minor when hospitalized for 10 months for sexual abuse.

My guess is that your mom already knows about your abuse because of the fact that you were hospitalized as a MINOR and the sexual abuse is what got you the PTSD diagnosis. (As a parent my guess is that she had a right to know, at least here I know that’s the case.....sexual abuse would not be kept from the parents, no matter how bad the tantrums you’d throw to keep this info from them.)

I’ll bet anything that she was sexually abused, too, and this is classic projection, in that denying your abuse allows her to deny her own past. Err, uhm, or is that transference?