How do you figure out who you are?

[TTC18]

I don't know if I really know myself - if that makes any sense. I've tried making lists of things I like and don't like - but it all blurs with what other people like and don't like. Or what reminds me of bad things happening. Sometimes I feel like there's not really anything there but a bundle of reactions and coping mechanisms and ways to keep other people happy - - - - and I worry that going to therapy will unravel all those strings and eventually nothing will be left. I want to try to figure out what is actually ME and what is coming from what other people think, what I think other people think, what other people want, what I think other people want, and so on and so forth. Any suggestions for how to do that?

 

[EveHarrington]

Start with things that you like to do....especially when nobody is around and nobody is watching.

It sounds like you have a big fawn reaction. I do too. :hug:

 

[TTC18]

... when nobody is around and nobody is watching.

Well, I've had at least 1 kid around for almost my entire adult life - single parenting means there's always someone around/watching, lol. Aside from that, for as far back as I can remember, if I'm not doing something with someone or for someone, I'm reading. I don't even like to watch TV by myself; I can't concentrate on it. Reading, however, yes. If it's a really good book, I can get lost in it. So basically, what I enjoy when no one is around and no one is watching, is being someone else.

Edited to add - thank you for responding, I hope my answer doesn't sound flippant

 

[grit]

Hey tryingtocope18,

Hope you are feeling well. This is very good insight and actually a lot of people get to this question after long therapy.

You are motivated by others and your self is hiding so deep that you do not have access to it. Yes therapy will show you the huge gap in between you (non existent or hiding) and others taking all your good parts and generosity.

the beauty of therapy (to a point) is you will realize this and start to really take all your good parts that you have been throwing away to others in order to see yourself. it is good stuff but with a lot of cries about what you lost and you will for the first time see others as they are not as you wanted them to see yourself.

Hope you find a great therapist.

 

[TTC18]

I probably won't find a good therapist, actually, so any suggestions for self-care and stuff I can do on my own would be great. (I'm not trying to be a pessimist here, I get my care through the veterans hospital and haven't had any luck with getting good medical care through the military or veteran clinics ever.) I've been trying to figure stuff out by myself for a while - but no matter how much stuff I remember, or figure out, etc, it's all just in my head. I mean - like I know in some cases what's wrong and why it's happened and where it comes from, and so on - but it's all knowing like I know the moon is there, and I know the universe is there, and I know what infinity is. It's just concepts - nothing I figure out seems real, nothing actually impacts me. No matter what I remember, I'm insulated from it - and I can't figure out how to get past that. Or even if I want to get past it. Maybe I should just work on shoring up my coping mechanisms until my youngest is an adult, and then I can have a nice peaceful nervous breakdown without it affecting anyone else.

Yes, I am motivated by others. What other people need, what other people what, what other people like, etc. This is one of the reasons I don't like being around people. I'm like Silly Putty. Like I imprint on whatever's around me, but I have no real form or shape myself - just a shapeless mass of blobby stuff. But I would rather be shapeless blobby stuff than a comic print from someone else's newspaper. So I avoid other people. Plus, I'm a little afraid of people in general. Like - lurking behind every smiling face is a psycho. Because a lot of smiling faces (in my experience) do have a psycho lurking behind. And I am totally unable to tell the difference without getting close enough to pull off the mask - which is also close enough to get grabbed by the psycho. I'm tired of trying to figure out who's a psycho and who's not, and tired of getting grabbed, so I just avoid everyone.

 

[Neverthesame]

Well, I've had at least 1 kid around for almost my entire adult life - single parenting means there's always someone around/watching

Right here you can start with attentive mother. ;)

 

[TTC18]

Thanks, Neverthesame. I do love love love love my kids.

 

[shimmerz]

will unravel all those strings and eventually nothing will be left.

Yep. That's what happens. Scary as shit. Can't even describe it in words.

On the upside, this has broken me out of old survival patterns which were absolutely not allowing any part of me to be me. Now I have given space for curiousity and a deep desire for freedom.

I want to try to figure out what is actually ME

I had to remind myself over and over again that everyday things were 'for me'. Brushing my teeth was for me. Having a shower was for me. Out for a coffee? You guessed it. For me. Neuroplasticity. Teach your mind what it doesn't already know. It will learn. It won't feel 'right' or maybe even good, but it is necessary.

If we don't care for ourselves on a very basic level (our bodies) then the only other thing we have to care about is everybody else. But that is their job.

 

[Teamwork]

I don't know if I really know myself - if that makes any sense. I've tried making lists of things I like and don't like - but it all blurs with what other people like and don't like. Or what reminds me of bad things happening. Sometimes I feel like there's not really anything there but a bundle of reactions and coping mechanisms and ways to keep other people happy - - - - and I worry that going to therapy will unravel all those strings and eventually nothing will be left. I want to try to figure out what is actually ME and what is coming from what other people think, what I think other people think, what other people want, what I think other people want, and so on and so forth. Any suggestions for how to do that?

I think the opposite of going to therapy happens, instead of unraveling and losing yourself , you unravel and find yourself with the support of a good t.

 

[TTC18]

I had to remind myself over and over again that everyday things were 'for me'. Brushing my teeth was for me. Having a shower was for me. Out for a coffee? You guessed it. For me.

Ah, so I should be trying harder to do those things. Because I brush my teeth/have a shower if I have an appointment or something. Not for myself.

 

[shimmerz]

Because I brush my teeth/have a shower if I have an appointment or something. Not for myself.

Yes. Exactly. And it rewires your brain to see the internal value of those things. Doing them for other external issues like an appt etc just gives your power to those things rather than yourself.

 

[TTC18]

I'll give it a shot - I used to do all the daily stuff, but have just been forgetting. For the last few years.
As an aside - have you ever looked back and said, 'Holy Crap how have I been doing this and no one noticed?' - I literally have gone a month without brushing my hair. And I have long hair. I'd just pull it up and wear a hat. And no one noticed. I used to wear makeup and dress nicely and then - I just didn't. I've worn my teeth down to nothing grinding them, and haven't been even doing the bare minimum to look decent, and .... no one has even noticed. I have always wanted to be invisible, but maybe this is what happens if you're invisible. You can flip out totally and no one notices.