Really struggling, feeling hopeless

[MlleD]

I’m new here. All the things I’ve done to help ground myself are not working. I have been living with PTSD since I was a toddler and have been identified as an individual with complex PTSD by a professional. I have been feeling completely shook from the bottom each day from my PTSD. I am 44 now. I have NEVER felt so hopeless and alone. I feel completely misunderstood. I am counting the hours until the day is over. I am finding it very difficult to cope. I go to my therapist each week. I am under a doctor’s care with meds. I feel like I am spinning out of control and my nerves are completely fried.

I am trying to identify why things are so bad right now. My therapist told me that I am processing a lot of stuff. It is really hard when I cannot even remember what I am traumatized from because I blocked much of it out. I have had such an incredible amount of loss in the past few years that it is just layers, upon layers on top of the childhood trauma. I feel like I cannot find my way out of a paper bag. I drive around aimlessly. I freeze up and my arms and hands go numb. Sometimes I just sit in my car and sob because I am too afraid to get out. I feel unworthy of everything. I often wish I would die because the suffering is unbearable. I feel like I am going backwards and making no progress.

I am such a mess. I feel so isolated.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @MlleD , I relate to all of it. :( Try to stay in a safe place and do even the smallest things that are soothing (music, or silence, or something to drink, or eat; calming places, scenery, sleep, a bath).

Welcome to you. :hug:

 

[TTC18]

So sorry you're dealing with this. Isolated isn't the same as alone though. I had the term 'isolate' applied to myself recently. As in I isolate myself. But I know there are people out there who care about me. I don't know what your real life situation is, but there are people here who care. So many really compassionate and caring people on this site.

There's a country song that says, 'if you're going through hell, keep on going' - the point being that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line - and the last thing you want to do if you're in a sucky place is to stop there. Just keep plugging along and you'll get through.
Sending support.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Sorry you are in this place, I think many here have scribed their names in the walls of that particular cell of isolation and hopelessness. Please keep trying to distract yourself, cold shower, ice in your hand until it hurts a bit, I love the calm music or funny movie idea.

You have friends that understand here. ☮

 

[Changing4Best]

Do you do anything creative? I paint and crochet, that helps me a lot. I have to stay in the present to focus on what I am doing. It does not have to be perfect, far from it! It just has to help me get my mind off my troubles.

 

[MlleD]

Do you do anything creative? I paint and crochet, that helps me a lot. I have to stay in the present to focus on what I am doing. It does not have to be perfect, far from it! It just has to help me get my mind off my troubles.

That is a great suggestion. I am feeling really frozen. I cannot seem to gravitate towards anything. I’ve been trying to journal and write but it hasn’t been really helpful. Maybe I’ll think some more about other things I could do.

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and extend a hand to me, a stranger, at a time where I feel so unteathered. I am grateful for these words of support. It is huge to hear that others can relate because I feel like I am surrounded daily by people that are misjudging and misunderstanding me. It has been really tough the past couple months dealing with friends or extended family that are assuming things. Their ignorance has been painful. My abandonment issues have been front and center. I am so raw. I cannot deal with anything. My God, I feel so abandoned. I tried to end my life in January and really thought I was doing better but it turns out that I’m not. I am not suicidal but I am in a downward spiral trying to grab hold of something. I’m reading the book by Pete Walker called “Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving. It is helping. Going to my therapist once a week just isn’t enough during these dark days.

 

[Muted]

Going to my therapist once a week just isn’t enough during these dark days.

Can you go more often?

 

[Teasel]

Hi @MlleD welcome, I'm so glad you are reading Pete Walker as I was going to suggest his website to you.

I relate to all you're going through and found his website invaluable and this site too.
Well wishes :-)

 

[Changing4Best]

I bought some Empowering Questions cards. They are (I think) by Sanna Wikstrom. They ask some questions that keep your mind going away from the past and into the present. I like to write the answers, which helps me doubly.

I am so sorry that this moved you to attempting suicide. It happened to me a long time ago too, before I was in treatment. I am so grateful for all the help I get now, especially Trauma Therapy.

 

[Angelwings]

I feel unworthy of everything. I often wish I would die because the suffering is unbearable. I feel like I am going backwards and making no progress.

I often feel the same way. I feel like as soon as I make progress I go backwards again, so what's the point of trying? The only reason I continue to fight is that I have a son who needs me. It is very hard to get through this part of therapy, but the good news is that it is over, you are in control now, and this pain will subside. We have to go through it to get over it, right?

 

[Changing4Best]

I can attest to the fact that we get through it and things get a lot better eventually. Keep at your program, all of it, your homework, your therapy sessions, any medications you have been prescribed, etc. If there is an option to contact your Therapist between sessions, and you feel the need, go ahead and do so. Sometimes they can suggest things to get you through till the next session.

 

[LanaD]

I’m new here. All the things I’ve done to help ground myself are not working. I have been living with PTSD since I was a toddler and have been identified as an individual with complex PTSD by a professional. I have been feeling completely shook from the bottom each day from my PTSD. I am 44 now. I have NEVER felt so hopeless and alone. I feel completely misunderstood. I am counting the hours until the day is over. I am finding it very difficult to cope. I go to my therapist each week. I am under a doctor’s care with meds. I feel like I am spinning out of control and my nerves are completely fried.

I am trying to identify why things are so bad right now. My therapist told me that I am processing a lot of stuff. It is really hard when I cannot even remember what I am traumatized from because I blocked much of it out. I have had such an incredible amount of loss in the past few years that it is just layers, upon layers on top of the childhood trauma. I feel like I cannot find my way out of a paper bag. I drive around aimlessly. I freeze up and my arms and hands go numb. Sometimes I just sit in my car and sob because I am too afraid to get out. I feel unworthy of everything. I often wish I would die because the suffering is unbearable. I feel like I am going backwards and making no progress.

I am such a mess. I feel so isolated.

I'd agree with your therapist. Your mind's probably at its limit and is trying to process everything, resulting in a system overload. When I was in treatment for depression my wonderful therapist made me face so many horrible things I did not want to face because, well, they were horrible! But that's exactly what helped me. I wonder if you just need to brace yourself and go through this stuff one layer at a time. It won't be easy but I don't think there is another way.