Deb, my friend killed herself this morning.

[ms spock]

It has been a week today since Deb killed herself. I didn't sleep much and I kept waking up this morning and I thought of her once and then I watched YouTube for comedians and news. I find the comedians and news a way of distancing me from all that is going on.

 

[ms spock]

Look thanks for all your comments, they really helped. I was able to grumble and let it hang out

I went to the funeral and I did really well. I kept my stuff out of it.

And there were a few people there that didn't have any idea of what was going and I was able to offer a couple of people solace. Mostly I circulated without speaking to people on the whole.

And the main protagonists I was able to be generous and kind. I didn't talk to them much but I hugged them, said I was so sorry for their loss and was there for the memorial and part of the wake. One of the lesser participants brought his granddaughter and I played with her a lot, it was a great distraction.

Her sister came up and told me what it was like to find her body after the suicide, without any warning, and then someone came up and she kind of wandered off, and despite me trying to avoid her, she headed towards me, and you know we didn't talk because I played with the baby with her. T came to sit with us, and I just played with the baby. I got the grandpa a cup of hot tea. T said that today was good as it would mean people could move on particularly her husband, and though we were interrupted I validated that. Quite a few people sought my validation.

So the husband is still walking around saying I don't know how that happened, and I said to my partner maybe a more charitable way of looking at it, that he so overwrought that he didn't take what we both said to him. It is hard to reconcile that with my conversations with her about how selfish he was, and how unhappy she was about that, and I said not to go down the plughole go away on a retreat, and let hi, experience life without her, and she didn't do that. She would not even not go home to make his morning tea. I suggested that she needed to step outside of that. Anyway no discussion of that will help, and how they rationalise it or make peace with it, is up to them. L said in the end the demons overtook her, and it was not her anymore, I disagree with that bit didn't say so. I just kept hugging her and saying I was really sorry. I am really sorry, and it was not about me, and I said we would let her go so that she could talk to the other people. She told us it was the first time that she cried.

I was very angry when she cut me off as I knew it meant she was going to try and kill herself. I was very angry that the other people didn't keep in contact with me. But she was smart and she surrounded herself with not the most insightful people.

My psychiatrist took me to task this morning to not ruminate on the situation with my sister or Deb's suicide. She is right.

 

[ms spock]

It is unfair. I’m so sorry
.

Thanks it means a lot. It is unfair.

Sorry for your loss Living in the 70'sX

Thank you it helps to be heard.

I am very sorry for your loss

Thank you, I needed validation.

I am so sorry. It is so hard for the survivors.
Much love and hugs, Dharma.

Thanks Dharma! Hugs gratefully accepted.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss

Thank you so much for your kindness.

I am SO sorry that you have lost your friend in this way! ?

Thank you so much. I needed acknowledgement.

 

[ms spock]

Meant very, very kindly... You might consider that it’s nof your fault she committed suicide, and it’s not everyone else’s fault, either.

You are right.

It’s natural to be angry, and to want to blame someone.

Yes I was here. I did want to blame someone.

All of you tried, the best way each of you knew how, but at the end of the day it was always your friend Deb’s decision. Whom to listen to, whom to cut out, what courses to take in life and take into her heart. And finally? To act. Each of you tried. She was blessed to have all of you in her life, with your many different ways of trying to help her. It’s not your fault. Maybe calling professionals would have saved her life. Maybe it would have pushed her over the edge far sooner. We can’t know the answers to ”What if???”. We only have the answers to what actually happened. She was loved. She took her own life, anyway.

Yeah that is true.

That’s tragedy, and grief, and heartbreak. But it’s what happened. She was loved. By many. And she chose to die.

Yeah I feel angry about it.

Blaming yourself, blaming others... it’s natural, but it’s also a distraction, and misdirected.

That is true.

You didn’t kill her.
They didn’t kill her.
All of you tried to save her life.
She didn’t want to be saved.

True

My deepest condolences. The world is a lesser place without her, which I know is true without ever having met her, because you loved her.

Thanks she had a lot to offer the world, and it is such a waste, when the world and a lot of people need advocacy.

Thank you for your validation.

 

[ms spock]

And I feel angry that I gave her so much support when I know how hard people here work hard and she didn't make anything of that.

 

[ms spock]

Unfortunately, you can't rescue everyone especially if they are resisting being rescued in meaningful ways. Please be gentle with yourself during this time and reach out for support.

I have and it did help, responses from everyone here really did help. Challenging responses and soothing responses all assisted.

I'm so sorry about your friend.

Thank you, it means a lot.

I’m so sorry.

Thank you so much.

So painful and traumatic, losing a friend like that. I lost one earlier this year.

I am so sorry to read this.

So sorry, that after everything you've been through and are still dealing with, that you have this, on top of everything.

Take super gentle care of yourself, won't you @Living in the 70's?

Thank you for noticing my load at this time.

I'm so very sorry. Please take gentle care of yourself during this time. VB

Ty VB I am not managing to be gentle with myself.

I am so sorry. That is so hard and it is always easy to blame ourselves...it was her choice and her decision. Please take sweet care of yourself, grieve however feels right for you.

I don't want it to be her choice and her decision. Ty

Im so sorry *gentle hugs*. Please be gentle with yourself, you did all you could and more. Take some time to be compassionate with yourself & take care hun.

I forgot about self compassion. Ty. Ty for the hugs.

I'm so sorry :hug::hug::hug:

Ty for the hugs, and your commiserations.

So very sorry for your loss. Condolences to you and yours! XO

Thank you so much, it means a lot.

So sorry :hug:

:hug: Ty blackemerald1

So sorry,
:hug::hug::hug:

Thanks for the hugs.

I have a close friend on major suicide watch at the moment.

He's seeking treatment, but seeking less of it than he should be.

That is so hard.

I'm scared to check my emails each day, in case I "get the news".

I can imagine

You did a LOT. Heaps. A lot. Most importantly, you did not look the other way. And you did not put it in the too-hard basket.
You reached out, again and again.

Thank you for your acknowledgement. This is true.

 

[ms spock]

You did everything you could. It wasn’t your fault at all

Ty

It sounds, to me, like you did everything you could. I wish we could force people to make the choices we want them to make and I'm sad that we can't.

No we cannot.

You were the best friend you could be.

I was

You did more than most people would.

That is true.

Don't go down that road.

I have to make a decision and stick to it, because I am going there.

I'm really and truly sorry about your friend! Take care of your sweet self!

Ty

So sorry. Please take good care of yourself over the coming weeks

Ty I am not doing well with the self care.

I'm so sorry,

Thank you so much.

Don't forget some serious self care right now
:hug:

Thanks for the hugs. Self care is hard right now.

You really did do your best, though. You can’t control the behavior of others and if they listen. But you did everything you could. Which means that it’s fine to be angry about this, also.

Thank you it helps

I'm so very sorry...

Thank you so much and for your other comments as well. They were very useful!

It sounds like things are very overwhelming right now. Please keep talking & be gentle with yourself.

It is overwhelming. Ty

 

[ms spock]

I know you are beating yourself up about this - but there is a possibility that they didn't want professional help.

They didn't. They really thought that they could do it themselves. They didn't want the shame of mental illness.

My brother gets suicidal/homicidal about every 5 years and he is very open about it. He usually calls me when it gets bad and I take him up to the hospital - and this has been going on for 30 years. What amazes me every time is how the people around him refuse to see how bad he is -- even when he warns them it is coming (He runs on a very predictable cylce). His last wife was furious that he called me instead of asking her to take him up. When she and I talked about it later she admitted she thought I was overreacting and truly believed she could handle it. This was after he and I told her over and over, when he gets like this he has to get admitted.

This really helped me understand why people don't take action. It opened me up to see another way. Ty this really helped.

I used to get so very angry with them, but eventually I figured out that they react like this because it is just inconceivable to them that things are this bad. They simply don't understand it and get angry when anyone tries to make them see it. I'm guessing that may have been why you were left out of the phone calls -- because what you were telling them didn't match what they believed. You were going to tell them what they didn't want to hear so you must have been wrong.

I was telling them what they didn't want to hear, and yes I was so wrong for saying what they didn't want to hear. They are constructing their version of events. Where they are saying nothing could have been done. There was no point in trying. That she was overtaken by demons. That they have no idea of what happened. So when they said stuff like that at the funeral today I just didn't challenge it, I was supportive and said sorry for their loss, and I turned up, and I was kind to people, and said I was so sorry for their loss, but that is it, my husband and I have decided that we will fade them out of our lives. We won't be seeing them socially anymore anyway, as they withdrew from us when Deb when into "retreat". So it will be easy to very rarely see them anymore. I didn't like Deb's husband much, her sister is unfortunate in her disposition, and whilst I like the others they are all engaging in a revisionist history which is not relevant to me, or to my partner.

Does that excuse their behavior? Oh hell no. Does it help me understand their behavior? Yep - and sometimes that makes it even worse. And I have to remind myself -- sometimes all you can do is know that you did everything you could based on the circumstances.

It does help I did everything that I could do given the circumstances. She didn't want to change to get well because doing so meant a huge change to her relationship or the end of her relationship and she couldn't manage to even sit with those feelings and fears.

 

[ms spock]

Are you sure about going to the funeral? I'm worried it will be hard for you to see those people if you feel that they let her down.....

It was hard but it finishes it all off.

The funeral would have made her roll her eyes and she would have hated the country music, she was so over country music, she was totally over it, she would have hated the quote because of how anxious she was, and she would have been livid that one particular sister spoke at her funeral. She would have hated that. She detested that sister. The photo of her would not have been one her favourites. It was so much not what she would have wanted, but she wasn't there, and it was for the living, and it met their needs, and that is good. I had issues as the service went on, and I wrote some of them down in a text.

Her neighbour brought his granddaughter, and I hadn't met her before, and I played with her a lot so that was good.

We didn't stay long at the wake, but we did go, and ate a little bit of food, I gave P a big hug, and we chatted to a couple people.

I went to L and said her speech was really beautiful and reflected Deb beautifully, and when she said that she wished that she and her organisation could have lifted Deb's burden this last year. That she captured something that was important. We had a frank discussion about Deb's state of mind recently, and she said she wish that she had known.

It was mostly surface stuff though, just saying hello and giving a few people hugs. And comforting a couple of people who had no idea of how Deb was, for whom it really was a terrible shock.

And my partner was wanting to leave as soon as possible, he didn't really want to go to the wake, because he was protective of me, but I felt kind of okay about it. Playing with the baby made it all much easier.

What you wrote about really assisted me in managing how to think about the situation. I really am grateful for this.

 

[Freida]

I am so happy it helped. I know how hard this was for you. Hopefully now you can begin to heal. :hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((@Living in the 70s ))) :hug:. :hug::hug:
You were a good friend to Deb. You gave her the gift of seeing her, hearing her, and REALLY knowing her, which it sounds like no one else did?

Your compassion gave her the only comfort she would/could accept. I know that this is the most heart and soul wrenching way to lose a friend and there are no words that can make it ok.

You were really strong and brave to go to the funeral where you knew that there would be stupid people who would not be representing who she was. You were right but it didn't rock your boat, and it has strengthened your resolve to distance yourselves from toxic people.

Thank you for sharing your journey, which I hope includes self-compassion, and and comfort. Whatever is nourishing to you heart and soul. I have learned a lot about that through your writings.

It will take time to process this loss, but you will do it with the same tenacity you are persuing health.

Blessing and prayers for you and your hubby

 

[ms spock]

I really lost it last night.