Deb, my friend killed herself this morning.

[Freida]

I really lost it last night.

As you should have. You lost your friend. Of course you are sad/angry/frustrated/lonely and what not.
And it's ok.... :hug:

 

[Teasel]

Understandable @Living in the 70s :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I hope you were able to get out some of that pain

 

[ms spock]

I really understand this as I have been grieving from a friend that committed suicide three weeks ago and all that people could say about was that it was disgusting. I saw her two days before she did it and for weeks I blamed myself because she was so damn good at putting on a public mask and faking it to where I couldnt tell.

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. There is absolutley nothing you can do in that situation.

My friend wasn't pretending. She was talking about feeling so anxious. She was talking about being suicidal. She at one point seemed open to assistance.

When people want to do it, they will find a way. I finally had to accept that and you’re gonna have to as well.

You are right. You are right, if they want to do it, they will find a way.

All I can say as far as help is I try to live for her at points. When youre in a forest and and hear beautiful birds or see a butterfly, LIVE for them. It will bring you some peace.[/QUOTE]

This morning on FB there was a post about a vet who worked on a vet crisis line who killed herself a couple days ago. People are going insane because no one saw it coming. She worked on the CRISIS LINE. She was someone who helped other vets who wanted to kill themselves. Everyone said the same thing -- she was happy, didn't seem to have any problems, loved helping. Right up until she lost the battle with her demons.

I am so sorry about this vet. That would do your head in.

My friend was not like that, everyone knew that she had a problem, though some thought it was physical.

I think looking back is always confusing because you want to find the thing you missed, the way you could have helped, how you could have stopped them. But sometimes their battles are just to much and just too deep ---- and they don't want you to know. They don't want you to see their pain -- and they totally miss how much pain it will cause them afterwards. It's horrible and sad for those left behind. But it's the reality of many suicides. And that is heartbreaking. @Renestel is exactly right - live to honor their memory.

***nods***

Sounds like she may have had survivors guilt. You know.. I'm not trying to p*ss on any suicide thread because the whole thing is just beyond comprehension, but so many people are doing this today. My brother did years ago and it was big news. My step mother started the hotline and now its grown to the whole state. So much of this needs to stop. 45,000 people per year in U.S. die from suicide now.
As far as hotlines.. That's a tough job and its volunteer ( here)

It does need to stop.

(Sorry OP for your loss.. )

Thanks

 

[ms spock]

When I say I lost it I did binge eating and binge TV watching, which was not the best. I hardly slept at all. I didn't want to feel the feelings. That is a huge problem with me.

 

[littleoc]

Show yourself a little compassion. Your body thinks that’s self care, which you’re very much in need of right now. So it makes sense you’d relapse a little. Don’t be hard on yourself. You can have gotten better and still need to struggle during a particularly hard time.

((hugs))

 

[ms spock]

You have a point @littleoc

 

[ms spock]

That was very helpful @littleoc, I got off my back.

I am angry about Deb's suicide. As you all know I picked that was what she was going to do some months out from the suicide. I was angry when she said she was going into "retreat" as I knew that was bullshit.

I said to my partner that the next time that we would all be together would be at her funeral from suicide, that prediction came true this week.

I am having trouble accepting Deb's decision, and the whole situation, and I have to accept that the people didn't have capacity to manage the situation, and that she did not choose to pursue a path of wellness or life. There are so many people who work so hard here, and have very few resources, she had many resources but she still chose not to work on the issues in her life.

I binged on food last night, so I did not feel like eating this morning so I had two cups of peppermint tea. I have not been going well with my eating this week. I haven't put on a lot of weight though, which is good. I am still tracking my food in my Weight Watcher's app so I am keeping a track honestly of what I am eating. So I can see why I used to be obese because all the food that I used to eat.

 

[ms spock]

When people want to do it, they will find a way. I finally had to accept that and you’re gonna have to as well.

You are correct. I will have to as well.

I really understand this as I have been grieving from a friend that committed suicide three weeks ago and all that people could say about was that it was disgusting. I saw her two days before she did it and for weeks I blamed myself because she was so damn good at putting on a public mask and faking it to where I couldn't tell.

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

With all due respect you couldn't see it, she hid it, there was nothing you could do, this was so easy to see, I could see it months out, but you are right I will have to accept it.

All I can say as far as help is I try to live for her at points. When you're in a forest and and hear beautiful birds or see a butterfly, LIVE for them. It will bring you some peace.

Thanks that is a solid suggestion.

This morning on FB there was a post about a vet who worked on a vet crisis line who killed herself a couple days ago. People are going insane because no one saw it coming. She worked on the CRISIS LINE. She was someone who helped other vets who wanted to kill themselves. Everyone said the same thing -- she was happy, didn't seem to have any problems, loved helping. Right up until she lost the battle with her demons.

Someone on the Suicide Call Back Line said that to me yesterday - that people often can seem quite well before they do it.

I think looking back is always confusing because you want to find the thing you missed, the way you could have helped, how you could have stopped them. But sometimes their battles are just to much and just too deep ---- and they don't want you to know. They don't want you to see their pain -- and they totally miss how much pain it will cause them afterwards. It's horrible and sad for those left behind. But it's the reality of many suicides. And that is heartbreaking. @Renestel is exactly right - live to honor their memory.

I could see it though. I was able to name it. I did warn people.

Sounds like she may have had survivors guilt. You know.. I'm not trying to p*ss on any suicide thread because the whole thing is just beyond comprehension, but so many people are doing this today. My brother did years ago and it was big news. My step mother started the hotline and now its grown to the whole state. So much of this needs to stop. 45,000 people per year in U.S. die from suicide now.
As far as hotlines.. That's a tough job and its volunteer ( here)

Kudos to your Mother!

(Sorry OP for your loss.. )

Thanks so much. It does help that people are saying things to me, and writing to me.

 

[Freida]

I could see it though. I was able to name it. I did warn people.

no no -- I meant the people you tried to warn. THEY didn't want to see it. It's easier for them to think you are over reacting than to think someone is going to harm themselves..

 

[ms spock]

Oh okay I get what you are saying now @Freida.

Look your experience really assisted me to stop being as angry as I was.

 

[Freida]

I'm glad it helped... :hug: