so high school restarts in 10 days

[jaay]

back to high school in 10 days, with no idea how i'm gonna cope. my friends don't understand PTSD, my family laugh it off/ignore it, my school have no idea. I go non verbal all the time, look over my shoulder for my abuser (he doesn't go to my school, but used to) all the time, am constantly on edge and irritable so i don't get my friends jokes, cant relax and laugh with them. there are too many people in the school- too many to accidentally bump against and be loud and overload my senses, too many brown haired boys with glasses that look like a past abuser and trigger me. high schools have too many people, damnit. too loud and people-y. the fire alarm goes off pretty regularly, which doesn't help. And i'm in my final year, gonna be taking my gcses this year, which means exams. exam halls are a trigger for me- the squeaks and noises of so many people kills me, and a couple years back i was in a school with an abuser who borderline stalked me, and i have rlly vivid memories of being in an exam hall with him like two desks over, and knowing there was nowhere to run. i could feel his eyes on me and exam halls can trigger me into flashbacks which i have to let run their course silently and discreetly because i don't want people to know what's happening. any tips on how to not jump off the 5 floor staircase, please? would be much appreciated

 

[shimmerz]

any tips on how to not jump off the 5 floor staircase, please? would be much appreciated

Visualize your abuser flinging themselves off the 5th floor staircase? Visualization for me is a great help when I am thinking of hurting myself (read killing myself).

While I lived in California I chronically fought the urge to fling myself off into a valley - and there were lots of them. It was super disturbing.

So my way of getting around that was to convert that into my abuser. Or plan for a fire in their house (I wouldn't do it of course), or the helicopter slamming into wires.

I know it sounds awful, but I swear to you, it took the focus off of me when it came to harm done. That was worth its weight in gold.

 

[jaay]

Visualize your abuser flinging themselves off the 5th floor staircase? Visualization for me is a great help when I am thinking of hurting myself (read killing myself).

While I lived in California I chronically fought the urge to fling myself off into a valley - and there were lots of them. It was super disturbing.

So my way of getting around that was to convert that into my abuser. Or plan for a fire in their house (I wouldn't do it of course), or the helicopter slamming into wires.

I know it sounds awful, but I swear to you, it took the focus off of me when it came to harm done. That was worth its weight in gold.

I try doing that a lot, but lately it just isn't working. The abuser himself lives six doors down from me, and there's a woods really close to our street, so its's kinda just become a battle to not hurt him/ him and me. Like, as much as he's hurt me, I don't wanna do anything that bad. The staircase thing sounds really handy though- I don't go to his school, so there's no danger of physical violence there. Thank you so much, I'll try that when we restart in 9 days.

 

[shimmerz]

My thoughts are with you.

 

[jaay]

My thoughts are with you.

Thank you, dude :))