The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[ILoveLife]

Catching up :) :hug:

Thanks so much for being your caring, honest self mums :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I think its good that you talked about it, even though you have talked about it before - you just had to tell someone about this pain to make it less scary. I would have to do that too. I wouldn't have been able to keep it all to myself.
It WAS a huge betrayal and you have every right to still feel hurt. Especially because this woman is such a bitch and she has been very cruel to you. Honestly, I don't know how I would survive this pain. Because I am already kind of not feeling worthy or "not enough", so this would only make my fears worse, and I think we are similar in this respect.
So try to be kind to this frightened, sad, little part of yours. You are more than enough, you are a blessing, a gift, an extraordinary soul. You are an enrichment for everyone in your life. Your partner knows that. He knows how lucky he is to have you. You are the love of his life. Nothing comes close to that.
I have a hard time thinking about the women my boyfriend has been with before he met me. I know one of them, she has BPD and made my boyfriends life very difficult, but I kind of always liked her. I finished high school with her. She is so pretty, and I feel like I am not as pretty as her, even though I cognitively know thats not true. My boyfriend finds me very attractive. And he told me that I am the love of his life, that he never felt the way he feels with me ever before. And still - if I think of these women, a sharp pain in my chest makes my heart ache.
What I want to say: This pain has nothing to do with logic. Its an existential fear, the fear of abandonment, the fear of not being enough, of being left alone. We feel this fear so early in our life. And trauma makes it so much bigger. It feels like it rips us apart.
But we're stronger than this. We are enough. We are unique. No one can ever replace you, mums. No one.
Love ya!!! Feel hugged❤

That is really, really lovely of you to say @Juso. :hug: :-)

We ended up having a bit of a fight over it because he pressed me for everything and I told him I was scared to say it but I did. He's done nothing wrong, it's because I might be moving out and that part, the part holding and giving me so much grief, trusts no one, has been betrayed by everyone. I told him "I know it's not rational but I'm afraid you'll have her in here". He reassured me and we hugged. I took another half a benzo though, and drank a small red wine.

I'm glad I told him everything. I'm exhausted now, but I got it all off my chest, I owned everything and I apologized to him, it's not like it was a reasonable fear. He brought up the guys I slept with, in those early days, when he "didn't want a relationship" and I was homeless and very bereft, but it still hurt him. I ended up acknowledging that he's never given me a hard time about that. I also expressed "The difference is, I never talk to any of those guys and she rings you up, all the time." He apologized for how much it hurt me, again.
I also said "part of me envies that you can talk to your co parent", whereas, mine, mine is so full of shit and has never, ever treated me with respect, so I don't bother.

I told him, "I know he can't hurt me anymore," my ex, "it's my own emotions that I'm frightened of", my own emotional reaction, not in terms of losing control and saying anything stupid, just in terms of getting super triggered and getting more unwell, as a result.

I told my oldest daughter, I would go to a family thing, that he was at, if any of my kids wanted me to. I would do that for them.
So that's where I'm at. I'm triggered by abusive women and my shithead of an ex, only because he's never treated me like a person and I don't trust him, at all. He's a very, pathologically dishonest, parasitic narcy control freak. Words like this are all I have. I will never get him charged or do anything maliciously, to hurt him, even though, he is, without a doubt, exceedingly malicious and callous and ruthless towards me, as much as he can get away with. Maybe he won't dare, be too out there, with his abuse now, but he's a clever, cunning, controlled, conniving abuser dude.
He is losing control of our children though, not my fault, just because he's never bothered to learn how to be kind, honest, supportive and trustworthy. It's simply a consequence of his own actions.

Meanwhile I'm with a beautiful, goodhearted, kind, honest sweetheart of a man, so there's that :-)

 

[Freida]

Just catching up....

I wish, just for one minute or so, that you could see you as I do. That you could see you as the incredibly brave, strong, loving woman who went through absolute hell and still came out as a person who could offer love and compassion to those around her. Who is the kind of person who would tell her children that their dad t(he person who beat her and abused her and was just a total evil asshole), was "on the spectrum" rather than "total evil heartless sociopath." Why? Because she wants to protect them from the truth so they can keep some type of relationship with them.

There's so much of it and it's upsetting (can.I get that award for understatement of the year?-or week? Or whatever?)

Yep -- here's your trophy! ??

Not as bad as some, but way worse than plenty.

yea...I'm not sure what you think could be worse

I don't think I'd have the guts to make a list like that. And - after all that terrible, terrible loss - you're still here. Amazing.

This ^^ . I am just starting the "what did I lose" part and I can't even get past the first couple things. All the things you lost, all the things that could have been different - and yet you are still here, offering hope to your kiddos, yourself and the rest of us. Wow.

 

[Swift]

Missing you @mumstheword .
Been checking back a fair bit. Let us know how you are.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug: :hug: :hug: (((Lil' Mum)))) :hug: :hug: :hug:
Just so you know, you are in my thoughts and prayers!?????

You are SO SPECIAL... If only you could see yourself through OUR eyes!??????

Keep up the GREAT work!!!?

 

[mumstheword]

Hi guys, peeps and friends :-) Thank you, once again @Sietz, @Freida, @Swift, @somerandomguy and @AngelkeeperJ, for your kindness and support.:-) I'm very grateful.
I've been kinda depressed; and processing plenty, as is my practice, now that recovery is my only viable option. Not s/i depression, just exhaustion level depression. Probably more grief than depression, but it's heavy and very taxing. I'm really ok though.
I needed a break from here, it was hurting too much, carrying the knowledge of what my beautiful friends here, suffer. It hurts me, the way you've all been treated and I didn't feel worthy of any of you, giving me such kindness and acceptance.
I felt like a fraud, a whinger, an imposter, and that I had misrepresented myself. I was wallowing in feelings of shame and unworthiness, nothing that is unusual when dealing with this craparse condition.
I've come such a long way, with this neuroplasticity rewiring thing, though. And I am enjoying the benefits and the fruits of that. My relationship continues to provide comfort, companionship, support and joy. My children don't despise me, regardless of how their father has tried to induce that.
I'm going to start equine therapy! I'm excited about that.:-)
My house is different, functional, beautiful, a sanctuary, at last. That is a big change. It's giving me even more space to process all this horrid shit.Uggghhhh feelings :-/. But they are not all bad. I don't practice dissociation anywhere near as much as I used to, so I'm left with having to feel feelings a lot more.
Last night it got pretty bad again, so I took a half a valium.

I've had good walks with 20-year-old. He is so happy now! Smiling and laughing and talking a lot, sharing his idols that he follows (mainly this make-up artist guy, from LA, who is very in-touch-with-his-feminine-side slash androgynous).

He's happy not to pigeonhole himself as "gay" as I told him he doesn't have to answer to anyone about that and he doesn't have to put himself in a box, but he has a boy he's been building an online relationship with and he wants to go visit him. He lives on the Gold Coast.

He says he might want kids someday.

He is loving his Salon Assistant Tafe course. He is quite the fashionista these days and has great style. Bought himself some dark red docs the other day.

All in all, a very happy and comfortable with himself, young, "non-binary" man.

That's a bit of a highlight for me.

I had lunch with my big daughter, and her friend, that was lovely. We were estranged for the better part of 7 years and now she treats me with loving, understanding respect and feels supported by me! Big shift. She used to tell me to "Grow up!" all the time. Once she wanted to punch me for dancing at the pub she was having a work party at (the only pub in our tiny town) . She was angry at me for dancing. I was very downtrodden back then. She is quite assertive and definitely a very strong willed and resiliant young woman. I have always adored her and was heartbroken when she used to take everything out on me and join in with her Dad in victimizing me and scapegoating me.
She's very gracious and sweet to me, now though.:-)

I'm still scared and awkward around most people, most of the time, though, so I stay home, or stick close to my guy, or go to my T, but not much else, out in the world.

I have started going to a monthly cafe catch up, with a group of women, I used to sing with, though. Gearing up to tap in to my choir again. Not yet, but soon. And my NIA class, I love and miss my teacher! I think a guy from that class might have taken his life on Tuesday though. She texted me that he died and I have a feeling he was very depressed and killed himself. We used to do the Tuesday evening class together, it's recently been cancelled though. I haven't been going because I have to rely on my guy for transport and it's in the town I want to live in, not the town I do, live in.

If that's the case, then I have known 8 people who have killed themselves.

I didn't know him well, we just danced together, he was fairly quiet and had a very dejected vibe.
I'm glad now, that I hadn't been going lately, because it would be harder and sadder for me, right now. Sometimes it was only the two of us, in the class, which is why she had to cancel. If he did kill himself, it might be something to do with class being cancelled, because he picked Tuesday. I'll find out more, I guess. All we know is that he died on Tuesday.
I'm starting to get desensitized to suicide, which is kind of tragic, in itself.

My friend Pete, doing it, was a big kick in the guts. I'm still grieving that loss, but that was only in April and I knew him quite well. I spent a significant bit of quality time with him, over the last couple of years and supported his partner with relationship counsel and close friendship.

My first friend I lost to suicide, hit the hardest though. I fell down the deep, deep hole. It was only my pregnancy, with my youngest, that rescued me from that depression.

He still maintains that he believes he has the brain of a sociopath, but, because of me, "has a moral code". I said that's purely speculative, we'd need a brain scan to tell. I'm keen on finding out where we could get one done.
Last night he kept repeating "I'm a monster". I got upset with him and told him he needs to address some core beliefs about himself, because that's not helpful. I think we may need to go down the councelling path though. I'm seriously not well enough to deal with a child who struggles with desires for sadism and "emptiness" and "no sense of empathy" and who tells me he "mimics emotions and fakes how he's supposed to act and feel" without considerable support. And his Dad and my family are certainly not reliable. He's a very deadpan child, good looking, has manipulative tendencies, as children tend to do, but I'm getting better and better at boundaries and I'm instilling the values of honesty and integrity, as best I can.

The problem is, I trust people so little and he's the same. He says he's good at intimidating people, but I think he wants companionship and to be able to respect people and be stimulated by them. He says I'm the best company he has.

I just hope I can stick around long enough to make sure he doesn't become anything like his father. A good mother who is around and capable and responsible can make the world of difference. It's very rewarding to nurture someone who might otherwise be a very bad guy, who might end up becoming an amazing neuroscience researcher instead and contribute to the world of scientific understanding instead of hurting people.

The responsibility is daunting, but I'm up for this challenge. I love my child so much, I can't bare the thought of him going awry. I have to be strong, smart and proactive.
He does have a conscience, I know he does. Maybe he's a "high functioning sociopath" that means he'll act normally but have the brain wiring of a sociopath.

 

[somerandomguy]

Wow Mums. You're an inspiration to me - you're doing so well. I'm glad you took some time away, but I'm doubly glad you're back. If this place ever becomes unhelpful to you instead of helpful, I hope you WILL leave. Until that happens, I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're getting over your feelings of shame and unworthiness.

 

[mumstheword]

This morning I

Wow Mums. You're an inspiration to me - you're doing so well. I'm glad you took some time away, but I'm doubly glad you're back. If this place ever becomes unhelpful to you instead of helpful, I hope you WILL leave. Until that happens, I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're getting over your feelings of shame and unworthiness.

Thank SRG :-) That's what I thought too, if it doesn't feel good, I avoid doing it, if it's not sonething I HAVE to do.

I started missing you all though, and lovely messages to respond to.
I think having had some different types of abuse, the narcassistic and borderline behaviour type abuse, made me feel like I shouldn't be here. It's not that I haven't had physical violence perpetuated on me, but nothing like what you or any or all of you here have had to deal with.
It's the cult-like brainwashing and psychological threats, abandonment and neglect that has me more f*cked up. I mean my stepfather threatening to kill me with a hack saw really layed some of the foundations for the ptsd, but it is the developmental trauma from having really mentally ill parents that I struggle with.
It is the rapes, but it's also being stuck with a really bad guy, who didn't need or want to hit me, he just had to threaten taking my children away from me, isolate me, malnourish me, drug me, sleep deprive me, keep me pregnant and ill and uncared for and overwork me and keep me feeling crazy and worthless. He only laid hands on me twice, but he made sure I was overdrugged and psychosis-inducingly sleep deprived and demoralized for over 20 years. It's a different kind of battering. So I felt like I shouldn't be here, with people who've been physically brutalized way more than me. I felt I didn't deserve to be included.

 

[mumstheword]

So yeah. I'm getting that this depression is partially situational. No outlet here, no job opportunities. Keeping super busy kept me kinda "well" for so many years. But I wasn't "well". I was badly codependent. I was chronically undercared for and physically ill. But I was "amazing", "high functioning" "talented" "a super carer" really, really overresponsible for everyone, but myself.
I want to find the balance. Get some healthy work. Not a toxic or triggery work environment, not an exploitative one, one that is in keeping with my values. I've offered my daughter, the one who is setting up a business, my support and services. That would be rewarding and awesome, to work with her and help her out. I don't even care if it's purely volunteer, there's something supremely rewarding in supporting one's children to actualize their dreams.

 

[Swift]

You absolutely belong here...
And - physical brutality and psychological brutality are.... Equal, I guess, or equivalent. Point being - one isn't "worse" or "better" or more valid than the other.
Although personally I'd rather be beaten up than have my mind messed with in the worst, most intimate ways.

Like - I think this is one of the things where our language is limited. All our metaphors for violence are physically based, and a lot of our metaphors for emotional pain (stabbed in the back, punched in the gut) etc are physical violence based.
Metaphor.... We assume it dilutes, but it doesn't.

You endured 20 years of narcissistic hell. You endured 20 years of systemic, deliberate brutalisation. I don't care if it was with fists or with mind games - it's pretty f*cking bad. And that's to say nothing of the 16 years before that.

So... I dunno. I think people assume that the mental is less valid than the physical - but I don't believe that.

Some of the worst bits of abuse are insidious and invisible.

It's the cult-like brainwashing and psychological threats, abandonment and neglect that has me more f*cked up.

I get this.

 

[mumstheword]

Im watching/listening to scandi shamanic and viking music. I really want to go out and do my shamanic music thing! I wanna do it publicly. I need to dig deep and find the courage to do it! Not just in my shower and when I'm by myself, in front of people!

 

[mumstheword]

I haven't had any space to do music for years now! It's really affecting me, not in a good way! No wonder I'm craving my own space!