Rough Day Thread...

[Pippi427]

I completely see giving him space as a loving act. I have said this in these exact words to him. I love you enough to give you space and allow you to cope in the way you see fit as long as you aren't harming yourself or cheating on me. I'm positive his PTSD stress cup is 200% full right now with his new job and his divorce set to go on Monday...also they screwed up his Child Support and took it out of both his Army retirement AND his paycheck at his regular job so he's broke now until that's fixed. The last time he did this and did it this bad, he was gone 2 months. And I forgave him. He's a good man with a lot of problems.

I can accept his isolation and have done so. This time, I had a lot to process in my own life. My sports team (the one I play on and my main circle of support) fell apart due to a legal issue. I had a death in the family. I got overburdened at work being on call for 12 on/ 12 off for 3 weeks in a row. My roommate split and left me with bills to pay. I was forced into my own isolation by construction at my office for the past 4 weeks. The only part I shared with him was the death in my family and the sports team issue. I told him I was OK and moving forward. I *was doing OK until the other stuff happened.

When he came out of isolation last time it was also traumatic for me. I had just started to stabilize myself and accept life without him. BUT, he took full ownership of what he did and understood it broke my heart. He apologized and I forgave him. I checked on him daily when his life was full of nightmares and he was jobless for 6 months. I cared for him when he had a broken leg and after his surgeries. I helped him cook when he learned he had diabetes. I signed up for a 10k for aortic aneurysm on September 22nd when he learned he had one. (Still wondering if I should do that or not).

My psychiatrist has written me a NO WORK order for 3 days. I am epileptic, so if I don't rest I can have a seizure. My birthday is this weekend, so I had planned to have off work this weekend already. I am being forced to rest. I am mentally exhausted and feel used and disposed of at the moment. I don't know that I would ever tell him that, but that is how I feel.

Thank you for being here.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's OK if this isn't OK for you...

No matter how much you may love somebody, you have to put your own mental health first. It's not a loving act to sacrifice your own sanity.

 

[Pippi427]

I know he would not want me to suffer. He's actually said that many times. I don't want me to suffer. I did drag myself out for a run today. It was only 1 mile, but I did it very well. only 7 seconds off my fastest time.

I have a social media site I post to when I run. He's on the same site. And he was looking at my post. Very strange to block someone on email and phone, but still want to oogle at what they are doing. This is exactly what happened last time. ???

I'm not even going to think about reaching out to him until after his divorce is done, and even then I may not. I didn't cause this, but I do get to choose how I can move forward.

 

[Freida]

I didn't cause this, but I do get to choose how I canis so move forward.

This ^^^^^^ is so very important. I know I can be totally unrealiable when it comes to giving hubby support when he needs it if I'm isolated. I just don't "see" him. I'm drowning and that's all I can focus on. And it is so unfair. I do it to my sisters too -- one is in middle of boyfriend drama right now and I just can't be there for her. She sent me a text today to say CHECK IN WITH US! ..yea, captial letters, which made me realize how long it's been. But I just have nothing to offer and I know when she starts blathering on about this latest guy I'm gonna probably not be kind. So it's easier to isolate.

I often wonder how the supporters do it .....And I know not everyone can.

 

[Pippi427]

This ^^^^^^ is so very important. I know I can be totally unrealiable when it comes to giving hubby support when he needs it if I'm isolated. I just don't "see" him. I'm drowning and that's all I can focus on. And it is so unfair. I do it to my sisters too -- one is in middle of boyfriend drama right now and I just can't be there for her. She sent me a text today to say CHECK IN WITH US! ..yea, captial letters, which made me realize how long it's been. But I just have nothing to offer and I know when she starts blathering on about this latest guy I'm gonna probably not be kind. So it's easier to isolate.

I often wonder how the supporters do it .....And I know not everyone can.

Could you answer a question for me? One thing I don’t understand is how you can’t check in with your sister but you can be on a forum talking to people? What’s the difference in the interaction for you?

 

[Freida]

What’s the difference in the interaction for you?

LOL - I was wondering when you would ask that -- I think all supporters do eventually.

I'm not totally sure myself, but I think it might be because the people on this site understand the garbage in my head. They've been there, so it makes me feel less that I'm losing my mind and more about exchanging what works, what doesn't, and stories that can help my story feel more ...normal. They can relate to what I'm thinking - without explanation.

Plus its anonymous here. For a sufferer that is HUGE. If you read thru the diaries one of the biggest fears a lot of us have is being outed in the real world. PTSD comes with a huge amount of shame. It shouldn't, but it does and talking us out of that is pretty much impossible. The people here understand that. And since they don't know me IRL, so they can be honest with me and I can be honest with them. I couldn't do that with real people. It's hard enough to talk to my T. There is no way I could do it with my supporters

So why does that make it hard to do just a check in? Because until you have a pattern set there is a threat you will want more. My sisters will throw something at me and let it go -- because we've been doing this for a while. But the automatic default that I've found is that "yea, I'm alive" isn't enough. There will be a follow up text or a phone call or whatever. They just want to talk for a minute. A minute I can't do.

I'm not sure if you have seen this - but its a thread I started a while back and there are lots of sufferers who have weighed in. It might help...

What are they thinking

I really am sad you are going thru this. PTSD is just so damn unfair to everyone.

 

[Pippi427]

LOL - I was wondering when you would ask that -- I think all supporters do eventually.

I'm not totally sure myself, but I think it might be because the people on this site understand the garbage in my head. They've been there, so it makes me feel less that I'm losing my mind and more about exchanging what works, what doesn't, and stories that can help my story feel more ...normal. They can relate to what I'm thinking - without explanation.

Plus its anonymous here. For a sufferer that is HUGE. If you read thru the diaries one of the biggest fears a lot of us have is being outed in the real world. PTSD comes with a huge amount of shame. It shouldn't, but it does and talking us out of that is pretty much impossible. The people here understand that. And since they don't know me IRL, so they can be honest with me and I can be honest with them. I couldn't do that with real people. It's hard enough to talk to my T. There is no way I could do it with my supporters

So why does that make it hard to do just a check in? Because until you have a pattern set there is a threat you will want more. My sisters will throw something at me and let it go -- because we've been doing this for a while. But the automatic default that I've found is that "yea, I'm alive" isn't enough. There will be a follow up text or a phone call or whatever. They just want to talk for a minute. A minute I can't do.

I'm not sure if you have seen this - but its a thread I started a while back and there are lots of sufferers who have weighed in. It might help...

What are they thinking

I really am sad you are going thru this. PTSD is just so damn unfair to everyone.

Ok, yes... The wanting more to the conversation I get this. This helps explain a lot.

 

[EveHarrington]

My bet is he has it in his head I will forgive him. I have always forgiven his spells of isolation. I've allowed it as an option in our relationship. It's just done got a little extra this time

I know this was said a few days ago but I thought I’d comment.

I’m not so much an isolator as a fighter, but the sentiment is much the same.

I always have it in my head that I’ll be forgiven, because that’s just how things have been. I push (instead of falling off the face of the planet), and he has always forgiven me, even though it hurts him (the depths of which I do not know as he hides this pain from me).

I don’t even know where I was going with this, other than perhaps to say that I’ve noticed my own patterns of dysfunction (push like hell, expect forgiveness and be taken back), and it’s hard to break out of this established pattern once it’s formed.

I’m not making excuses, rather I suppose I’m sharing how I experience something similar, if just to say you’re not alone in what you’re thinking/feeling.

 

[Pippi427]

Well I'm not holding my breath for even a Happy Birthday text. I'm still in disbelief. We made Birthday plans and he completely ghosted this month.

 

[Pippi427]

Right, No birthday interaction. I wonder if my instincts are right about the rest? He's having a freak-out spell and probably won't resume contact without coaxing after a few weeks.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm so sorry.

Can I say happy birthday?

I know this is very difficult for you.

Have you taken the time to figure out if you can "do" a relationship with these isolation periods?

The sad thing is that there are so many awesome people who happen to have ptsd, but aren't yet ready for a relationship.

I know it's taken me almost a decade of active healing in order to be ready for a relationship. (I'm not going to lie, finding the right person who can handle my freak out episodes has helped, too....but again, I've never been an isolator and I know that's a different type of animal to deal with.)

 

[Pippi427]

Thank you for your birthday wishes. I had a nice stream of friends yesterday visiting. It was not fun explaining his absence. I was incredibly thankful when my BFF showed up (who has met him). She’s an Army wife dealing with this demon, too. I don’t have to explain this stress to her.

I’m rethinking my and his readiness for a relationship...but I still feel I deserve some kind of explanation or at the least an apology. I’m hurt and angry today.

Tomorrow is supposed to be “divorce day” ?